I am a SAHM who left a great job and career to raise my kids. I am also highly educated (and so is my high earning DH), so it made sense that my kids would be raised by a parent who is highly educated and not someone else.

The toddler years were hard because the kids are mobile and can get injured easily if left on their own. It was like having eyes on them 24/7. In such a scenario, DH and I had very low expectation of what could be done when a person is watching toddlers.

We were in a position to outsource some of the stuff - yardwork, cleaning the house. But the rest was tackled together as a team and mostly on the weekends.

I remember that I would go to the grocery store when my DH came back from work. I looked forward to getting a break from my baby for a couple hours a day.

OP, I think your resentment is coming from your DH being unemployed, rather than a division of labor. If he is at home with the baby, those are working hours. He is not putting less hours at work than you.

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty sure if we referred to a SAHM as unemployed all h*ll would break lose here.

Your husband is a full time parent.

70 hours a week of commuting, work, parenting and household tasks isn't much. That is 10 hours a day.

Your husband sounds depressed and you don't appreciate what he does or brings to the home. You sound so resentful that he wants a break after you get home. Again if genders were reversed and a man was complaining that not only did his wife expect a break but he also was still having to cut the lawn and take out the garbage because his SAHM wife wasn't getting it done..

Sounds like you are living a pretty typical life ina home where one parent is the breadwinner and te other is a sahp. Millions of men could write your post!

Employment is defined as "the state of having paid work". A SAHM is a mother. She is unemployed. Being a SAHM is simply a lifestyle choice.

If you actually read anything the OP posted you would see that even though her husband is unemployed he is not doing anything in the household. A SAHM typically takes care of the household duties. If the husband wants to be a SAHP then he should be taking care of household duties.

OP your husband is maybe depressed however this is grossly unfair that you have to work full time and take care of the entire household as well. I would be sitting down and having one hell of a conversation with your husband. It's time he picked up the slack or goes to see a doctor for a check up.

You are right to feel angry and frustrated.

2 hours a day for him is too much. Where is your two hours? One hour is fine. He needs to do all the household chores until he gets a job.

You did not marry a partner, he is a user and you are enabling him. Give him a timeline to find a job and if not met start divorce process. Start individual therapy so you get clarity over your circumstances

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s appalling how many posters are bashing OP. If he is the stay at home parent (looking for a job) he is responsible for the house upkeep that includes trash and other items! OP as he bread winner would still be responsible for childcare with him on the weekends and household stuff (maybe paying bills depends on what they decide). Her DH is not pulling his weight though and I would be very pissed off. I work but I’ve stayed at home too so I’m saying this as someone who has done both. OP - maybe you need to make his and her lists in writing and put up somewhere so he can see what he must do.

+1 two hours of personal time a day is crazy

After the birth of our first child, I need up taking up most of the slack regarding the new chores relating to the child. One day I got upset and I wrote a list of what I was doing on one side of the piece of paper and and list of what he was doing (mostly the same stuff her did prior to children). I asked him to add to the lit anything that I forgot. Then, we discussed what would an equitable division. He ended up taking over the laundry and a few other things. However, he is more of a neatnic in our family and had to learn to let a few things slide in that regard. If you are the neatnic in your family, you may breed to let things slide too.

Once your DH gets back to work, consider getting an every other week house cleaner. That was one of our greatest investments.

Look at cooking meals on the weekend that your DH can pull from the fridge and heat up to prepare for dinner when you get home. When you cook, cook double and triple recipes for freezing- same amount of time for you double/triple number of dinners. If you cook just twice over the weekend, you can get 4 more dinners out of the way for upcoming week. Once you build up options, it won’t be so repetitive. Learn to love easy to make meals ( salad in a bag with a frozen fish burger fried on top), serve with fruit, cheese and fresh bread.

I don’t think it is too much for him to ask fro two hours a day without childcare to do things he needs to do to stay sane (job search and exercise). I would suggest that you add some time to your day away for exercise too. Or you can take your child out in the buggy and walking around the neighborhood for 30-45 minutes, while your DH has his 2 hours- that would be a win-win win- you and your child get alone time together, you get some exercise and your DH gets relief from being home all day with a one year old.

Laundry is something that your DH should be able to do at home. It doesn’t take long to do the swaps (in/out of washer/dryer) and you can do what I did with young children at home (including one that loved to upset a newly folded load of laundry). I learned to fold 3-4 things and put them away. Then fold 3-4 more things and put them away. Over the course of the day, Landry would be folded and put away.

I would investigate if your DH has some depression issue- not uncommon with such a life change of adding a child and unemployment in the same timeframe.

I think calls for finding a counselor for both of you to learn how to communicate better and find your new norm are well founded.

I think it’s appalling how many posters are bashing OP. If he is the stay at home parent (looking for a job) he is responsible for the house upkeep that includes trash and other items! OP as he bread winner would still be responsible for childcare with him on the weekends and household stuff (maybe paying bills depends on what they decide). Her DH is not pulling his weight though and I would be very pissed off. I work but I’ve stayed at home too so I’m saying this as someone who has done both. OP - maybe you need to make his and her lists in writing and put up somewhere so he can see what he must do.

Anonymous wrote:
I used to work PT. On my days off with a one year old it is reasonable to: grocery shop, laundry, light house cleaning, dog care, taking the car to get a tire patched and dry cleaning errands.
Mowing actually isn't possible b.c it's not safe to have the kid around and you won't be able to hear them if they wake up from nap even with a monitor. I used to do quiet yardwork like manually pulling weeds so I could hear him.

This. Not sure why the DH is incapable of doing anything else. If I was the OP I’d be pissed as well.

THere were some days when our kids were that young that we counted it as a successful day if the only that happened was that we survived it.

Who gets up at night when the baby wakes up? How does the baby sleep? How much sleep are you getting and how much sleep is DH getting?

I used to work PT. On my days off with a one year old it is reasonable to: grocery shop, laundry, light house cleaning, dog care, taking the car to get a tire patched and dry cleaning errands.
Mowing actually isn't possible b.c it's not safe to have the kid around and you won't be able to hear them if they wake up from nap even with a monitor. I used to do quiet yardwork like manually pulling weeds so I could hear him.

People act like all you do with a kid is stare at them all day or otherwise they are being neglected. He needs to step up with the household stuff and the errands.

That said he is likely depressed. Caring for a child doesn't meant you can't drop off laundry or mow the yard. Can you get counseling via EAP through your employer?

I work. my wife stays at home. If she was like your DH and not getting the domestic stuff done, I would be pissed she wasn't pulling her weight. There can be tough days with a one year old but not every day.

Also, the SAHD role almost never works and this is why. Even when done well, women look at him as unemployed.

He is responsible for childcare while you work/commute. You are responsible for childcare while he is job hunting. You split the rest of the childcare tasks and house work 50/50, or your outsource. You are both entitled to equal amounts of free time.

I get why you are incredibly frustrated. That’s a lot on your shoulders. But it also doesn’t sound like you appreciate what he DOES do. He cares for your one year old all day, who I imagine is happy and healthy; there is value in that, and in the money you’re saving in childcare. At the very least, when your kid is sick you don’t have to scramble to figure out what to do; there is value in knowing your child is in good hands while you are at work. You feel derision toward him, and communication about your respective needs has dissolved into fighting.

That being said, perhaps you also feel that he’s not valuing or appreciating all that YOU do. There is no sense of working as a team to keep your family afloat. Maybe if you both dropped your weapons and sat down to hash all of this out...he gets those two hours for himself — you need the equivalent. Try to problem-solve this together. I realize this is hard when you’re furious and exhausted. A counselor might help, even for just a few sessions.

It sounds like you don’t trust thar he’s doing what he needs to do to find a new job. What is that about?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um we're pretty equal. He does most of the cooking and I do most of the laundry.

But when DH was out of work, he did everything for the house/kids.

What on earth is your husband doing all day?

He takes care of our toddler. We got into huge fights over the summer because I wasn't giving him any time away from the baby. So now we have 2 hours scheduled each day where I take care of the kid while he... does what he needs to do. Like yesterday he got a hair cut. And he's working on finding a job. But he hasn't had any interviews in months.

I'm so pissed because our lawn desperately needs to be mowed, edged, and weeded. Our dry cleaning sat in his car for weeks before I finally got fed up and dropped it off myself. When I did so I noticed the low air pressure alert was still on in his car. The car that he uses to drive our kid around. So I took it in, sat for an hour or so in the waiting room of a tire place while they patched it.

Weeks ago he said he would sell his XBox. It's still sitting on our dining table. "I'll be in charge of the trash and recycling" he said. It only gets taken out if it's overflowing and I ask him to do it. Our sink has damage and needs to be replaced. I was the one to call a plumber.
Today we got a notice from the county that our dog registration/ rabies certification had expired and we were looking at a $500 fine if we didn't renew right away. Guess who had to take care of it tonight when I got home around 10pm?


I would like to delegate, but this stuff HAS to get done, and I just can't trust that it will get done if I ask him to do it.

It sounds overwhelming, but for God’s sake, why do you have a dog on top of everything else? That seems like lunacy.

We had a dog for years before having a baby. We’re not getting rid of our dog!

Ok. Make yourself crazy. Perhaps you really want it all.

Dogs are family! You expect them to just dump their dog? You’re horrible.

OP, your husband could be doing much more. Babies nap a lots. Surely he can find time to mow. Also, no reason at all he can’t pay bills, laundry, etc. All that can be done with a kid at home. Grocery shopping and whatnot can also be done. Doesn’t mean it’s fun, but it’s doable. He needs to step up.