Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 10:26     Subject: Re:17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
And do you return this “common courtesy”? Do you text him whenever your plans change or when you stop by a friend’s house? Do you give him a list of the people you are with?

I’d guess not, and you’d feel a little infantile having to do so. That’s the same way he feels and his hormones are screaming at him to create some distance between you. At this point, scarily, he’s going to start making more decisions about the kind of person he wants to be. If you’ve given him a good moral foundation and the ability to think for himself, he ought to be OK. He’ll make some mistakes, but we all do.

It’s natural for a mother to worry about her children, but it may be time to back off a little. You’re going to be worrying a lot more in the coming years, I don’t think that ever really stops.

I suspect if you back off, you’ll find that he actually starts to volunteer more information. Even if not, I suspect he’ll be grateful.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 09:43     Subject: Re:17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Hey - I just lived this! Just text him: "Hey, are you home? There's a package coming if you can sign for it." or "I'm making tacos for dinner, will you be joining us?" If he's an otherwise good kid, don't make this a huge issue. It's part of the natural separation process and choosing to fight about it will ruin your last year with him.


This is how I dealt with it with 17 yo DS. Occasionally, I would ask him to do something if he happened to be at home. I didn't as a general rule need to know if he, for example, decided to stay at school or go to a friend's house instead of coming home for a while before an evening rehearsal.


BUT....what if he doesn't answer any of your texts/calls?? That is my secondary issue...


This is the only issue where you don’t sound insane. If my teen doesn’t respond to my texts, that’s the last day he gets to keep his phone. Period.

If he wanted it back he would need to clean the house to a spotless degree AND wait at least a week.



I’m not sure about that. I remember when MIL did this with DH and BIL. She’d text a ton of where are you, when will you be home, what are you doing, etc. texts. Eventually they tuned out all communications from her because it was all the same. She could say it was an emergency and the emergency would turn out to be her asking if they wanted potatoes or broccoli for dinner. It definitely affected how both of her sons communicate with their partners and how we all communicate with MIL.

Also, I’d just like to point out that just because DD is responsive, it doesn’t mean she’s happy about it. I was more like your DD in this scenario and my sister was like your DS. We both hated the controlling behavior from our parents. We just handled it differently as teens. Our parents never let up and we’re both estranged from them now. Our parents were so bad that they called the police for a well check on us at different times during adulthood (20s and 30s) because we didn’t return calls quickly enough. In my case, I actually texted my mom to say I was okay but busy and would call later in the week. She called the police anyway (we don’t live near her) because “the bad guy” could fake text her and the only way she could be sure I was safe was for me to call. Also, even though I was responsive during my teens like your DD is now, doesn’t mean I was honest. I was hooking up with a teacher while I was texting my mom that I was at study group.


MIL was the same way with her kids. When DH was a married adult she called his job once because he didn’t return her all and she was worried about him. Same stories. Frequent frantic hysterical calls expecting check in that later evolved to calls saying call me back, it’s an emergency. The emergency would be asking if we wanted a new blanket for Christmas that she saw at the store or something. He eventually tuned it all out and years later calls her once per week for a quick call to say hello. It’s a very strained relationship. Our children are not close with her.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 02:19     Subject: Re:17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Hey - I just lived this! Just text him: "Hey, are you home? There's a package coming if you can sign for it." or "I'm making tacos for dinner, will you be joining us?" If he's an otherwise good kid, don't make this a huge issue. It's part of the natural separation process and choosing to fight about it will ruin your last year with him.


This is how I dealt with it with 17 yo DS. Occasionally, I would ask him to do something if he happened to be at home. I didn't as a general rule need to know if he, for example, decided to stay at school or go to a friend's house instead of coming home for a while before an evening rehearsal.


BUT....what if he doesn't answer any of your texts/calls?? That is my secondary issue...


This is the only issue where you don’t sound insane. If my teen doesn’t respond to my texts, that’s the last day he gets to keep his phone. Period.

If he wanted it back he would need to clean the house to a spotless degree AND wait at least a week.



I’m not sure about that. I remember when MIL did this with DH and BIL. She’d text a ton of where are you, when will you be home, what are you doing, etc. texts. Eventually they tuned out all communications from her because it was all the same. She could say it was an emergency and the emergency would turn out to be her asking if they wanted potatoes or broccoli for dinner. It definitely affected how both of her sons communicate with their partners and how we all communicate with MIL.

Also, I’d just like to point out that just because DD is responsive, it doesn’t mean she’s happy about it. I was more like your DD in this scenario and my sister was like your DS. We both hated the controlling behavior from our parents. We just handled it differently as teens. Our parents never let up and we’re both estranged from them now. Our parents were so bad that they called the police for a well check on us at different times during adulthood (20s and 30s) because we didn’t return calls quickly enough. In my case, I actually texted my mom to say I was okay but busy and would call later in the week. She called the police anyway (we don’t live near her) because “the bad guy” could fake text her and the only way she could be sure I was safe was for me to call. Also, even though I was responsive during my teens like your DD is now, doesn’t mean I was honest. I was hooking up with a teacher while I was texting my mom that I was at study group.


Wow you hooked up w/ a teacher?! Did I read that right?
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 02:18     Subject: Re:17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Anonymous wrote:
Hey - I just lived this! Just text him: "Hey, are you home? There's a package coming if you can sign for it." or "I'm making tacos for dinner, will you be joining us?" If he's an otherwise good kid, don't make this a huge issue. It's part of the natural separation process and choosing to fight about it will ruin your last year with him.


This is how I dealt with it with 17 yo DS. Occasionally, I would ask him to do something if he happened to be at home. I didn't as a general rule need to know if he, for example, decided to stay at school or go to a friend's house instead of coming home for a while before an evening rehearsal.


BUT....what if he doesn't answer any of your texts/calls?? That is my secondary issue...


Don’t text him! Ha
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 02:00     Subject: Re:17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Hey - I just lived this! Just text him: "Hey, are you home? There's a package coming if you can sign for it." or "I'm making tacos for dinner, will you be joining us?" If he's an otherwise good kid, don't make this a huge issue. It's part of the natural separation process and choosing to fight about it will ruin your last year with him.


This is how I dealt with it with 17 yo DS. Occasionally, I would ask him to do something if he happened to be at home. I didn't as a general rule need to know if he, for example, decided to stay at school or go to a friend's house instead of coming home for a while before an evening rehearsal.


BUT....what if he doesn't answer any of your texts/calls?? That is my secondary issue...


This is the only issue where you don’t sound insane. If my teen doesn’t respond to my texts, that’s the last day he gets to keep his phone. Period.

If he wanted it back he would need to clean the house to a spotless degree AND wait at least a week.



I’m not sure about that. I remember when MIL did this with DH and BIL. She’d text a ton of where are you, when will you be home, what are you doing, etc. texts. Eventually they tuned out all communications from her because it was all the same. She could say it was an emergency and the emergency would turn out to be her asking if they wanted potatoes or broccoli for dinner. It definitely affected how both of her sons communicate with their partners and how we all communicate with MIL.

Also, I’d just like to point out that just because DD is responsive, it doesn’t mean she’s happy about it. I was more like your DD in this scenario and my sister was like your DS. We both hated the controlling behavior from our parents. We just handled it differently as teens. Our parents never let up and we’re both estranged from them now. Our parents were so bad that they called the police for a well check on us at different times during adulthood (20s and 30s) because we didn’t return calls quickly enough. In my case, I actually texted my mom to say I was okay but busy and would call later in the week. She called the police anyway (we don’t live near her) because “the bad guy” could fake text her and the only way she could be sure I was safe was for me to call. Also, even though I was responsive during my teens like your DD is now, doesn’t mean I was honest. I was hooking up with a teacher while I was texting my mom that I was at study group.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2019 22:41     Subject: 17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
I beg you not to keep this up when he leaves next year. My mother kept this up daily into my 40's with multiple contacts daily needing to know where I was and what I was up to. He may be trying to establish boundaries now. Take the hint and back off a bit. Ask for an ETA and let him be if he is a good kid like you say.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2019 22:37     Subject: Re:17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Anonymous wrote:
Hey - I just lived this! Just text him: "Hey, are you home? There's a package coming if you can sign for it." or "I'm making tacos for dinner, will you be joining us?" If he's an otherwise good kid, don't make this a huge issue. It's part of the natural separation process and choosing to fight about it will ruin your last year with him.


This is how I dealt with it with 17 yo DS. Occasionally, I would ask him to do something if he happened to be at home. I didn't as a general rule need to know if he, for example, decided to stay at school or go to a friend's house instead of coming home for a while before an evening rehearsal.


BUT....what if he doesn't answer any of your texts/calls?? That is my secondary issue...


Use the find my iPhone feature and ding his phone. He will call you back. If he’s being a jerk and never responding to anything. Don’t do this if you are a nagging mom and he’s ignoring.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2019 22:36     Subject: Re:17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable. I expect anyone who lives in the household to have common courtesy and let people know if and when they'll be home. Sure, they won't be doing that next year. But they are still living at home and it's rude not to.


This exactly.

Anonymous
Post 09/20/2019 22:33     Subject: Re:17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Anonymous wrote:OP Here - I was just trying to be funny with the chick and coop phrase. He is a good kid and I already do give him lots of freedom and I'm not always hounding him about his whereabouts.

It's just hard when you have 1 kid who always texts/calls when they go somewhere and then 1 kid who doesn't.

Take today for example...called home because wanted to make sure he did something I'd asked him to do after school only to find out he wasn't home AND he hasn't answered any of my texts or calls.



Was it something really important and time sensitive? Take a younger sibling to the doctor and you wanted to hear how it went? Otherwise why were you calling to check? It sounds suffocating. I’d give him things to do and assume they are done if they are basic errands or stuff around the house. Natural consequences later if you find out they aren’t but he’s too old to report that he did house hold chores or things like that. I agree that he should be able to come and go. You can still tell him he needs to be home at certain times for certain reasons but regularly checking in to let you know he leaves is unreasonable.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2019 22:30     Subject: 17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound kind of insane OP. A 17 year old should be able to come and go at reasonable hours without checking in with you and being at your beck and call.

When you were 17, your parents didn't have an electronic tether on you at all times, right?

My 10 and 12 year olds have more freedom to roam than you want to give your near-adults. That's just sad.


agree 100%


plus 1
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2019 22:29     Subject: 17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
I went to college at age 17 but before going to college
I was working numerous jobs. I did show up for dinner
here and there when I was not working.

My mother just assumed I was living my life.

At 18 he can legally sign up for the military on his own.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2019 22:12     Subject: 17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Anonymous wrote:Does he tend to get in trouble, or is he a good kid?

Not sure why this matters. I was a “good kid” who didn’t get into trouble but was up to some serious shenanigans that were sometimes dangerous as a teen.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2019 21:36     Subject: 17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Right or wrong in the abstract, he feels stifled and helicoptered and is making space any way he can.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2019 19:27     Subject: 17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
Anonymous wrote:You sound kind of insane OP. A 17 year old should be able to come and go at reasonable hours without checking in with you and being at your beck and call.

When you were 17, your parents didn't have an electronic tether on you at all times, right?

My 10 and 12 year olds have more freedom to roam than you want to give your near-adults. That's just sad.


agree 100%
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2019 19:21     Subject: Re:17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School
OP, it is actually your other teen I'd be worried about -- the one who constantly updates you his or her whereabouts.

I think you are being unreasonable. If you are at work and your spouse is home, taking a day off for whatever, does he or she need to text you when leaving the house? That would be insane.

Teens should have general guidelines -- expected to go to school and stay all day, expected to get to their jobs on time, expected to do their household chores; expected to use whatever cars they have access to within your rules (like asking to use it if it is a family car or your car; filling up with gas if below a 1/4 tank etc -- whatever rules you set up).

I agree it is common courtesy to let people who are in the house know if you are leaving the house. But texting someone that you are leaving the house when that person isn't in the house is too much IMO.

If you want someone home to sign for a package, you should tell them to stay home to sign for the package.

Kids need mental freedom. They need to be free from these constant check-ins. It isn't emotionally healthy for them to have someone they have to keep checking in with all the time.

Don't let your anxiety about their whereabouts ruin their mental health and well being. Don't use these check ins to manage your own anxieties about them.