Kid needs to get a job and pay her own way.

I can understand the poster’s feelings. It is galling when a child (who thinks they are adults—in the fun ways, not the responsibility ways) is ungrateful and disrespectful.

I would say though that she deserves a clear warning and time to turn her treatment of the family around. And if you have never followed through on setting clear boundaries before, you need to find a way to tell her that this time will be different.

Good luck

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you're actually thinking about cutting your daughter off, at least wait till end of spring semester and message her now that you'd like to go into therapy with her or work with therapists separately with the goal of working through your issues, and that you need to have progress by the end of the year if she wants you to keep paying for stuff. Be loving and kind, be willing to look at your own mistakes and issues, and show her that peace is the better path and will ensure her college degree. Let go and work towards a relationship. It's more important than the money. If you're leasing vehicles for your daughter you can afford her college degree, but if you insist on an ultimatum, at least give her the year at school.

I love this post.

+1

NP. I am not confident that OP is able, right now, to hear what the very measured and thoughtful post above is saying. But I hope that OP can return to this thread when calmer and reconsider the scorched-earth approach and embrace this PP's approach instead. That will require OP to be able to step back objectively from the clearly powerful anger she or he is feeling in the posts above. We don't know the specific reasons for that anger (citing "lying and cocksure" and lack of gratitude aren't specific) but whatever happened--it surely goes beyond one ugly summer at home, doesn't it, OP? If DD always was an ingrate, that could use some dealing with in therapy as PP says. And if not, and this past summer's attitude was new and a change in DD's personality--that's a huge red flag that something else major was and is going on, besides mere "cocksureness." Why burn down the relationship, and the life-changing impact of a college degree, without first trying to see what might lie behind the problem behavior?

This is why rich teens are so entitled. Parents are too gelded to ever deliver on consequences, so defiant kids push and push the boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:OP if you're actually thinking about cutting your daughter off, at least wait till end of spring semester and message her now that you'd like to go into therapy with her or work with therapists separately with the goal of working through your issues, and that you need to have progress by the end of the year if she wants you to keep paying for stuff. Be loving and kind, be willing to look at your own mistakes and issues, and show her that peace is the better path and will ensure her college degree. Let go and work towards a relationship. It's more important than the money. If you're leasing vehicles for your daughter you can afford her college degree, but if you insist on an ultimatum, at least give her the year at school.

I love this post.

Anonymous wrote:Yup. The whole tone of this tells me everything I need to know. Team DD!

Yep. OP, you are acting like a child. Get over it and act like a parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op if you can afford it I’d pay and hope child comes around later. Just because she’s being a jerk doesn’t mean you have to be. Don’t let her cause a permanent rift.

At what point is enough enough? Kids can walk all over parents and you MUST finance the fours years of tailgating, period?

Of course not but it's on the parent to be clear about the rules and consequences and communicate them to the child. Not to ask on message boards about how it works if you don't pay the bill. OP's approach is passive aggressive and likely to backfire. If I were cutting my child off I'd tell him why, and tell him what I'd expect him to do in order for me to pay again, if that were an option.

OP if you're actually thinking about cutting your daughter off, at least wait till end of spring semester and message her now that you'd like to go into therapy with her or work with therapists separately with the goal of working through your issues, and that you need to have progress by the end of the year if she wants you to keep paying for stuff. Be loving and kind, be willing to look at your own mistakes and issues, and show her that peace is the better path and will ensure her college degree. Let go and work towards a relationship. It's more important than the money. If you're leasing vehicles for your daughter you can afford her college degree, but if you insist on an ultimatum, at least give her the year at school.

My guess is OP is a narcissist. There's no recovering from that. Good for her daughter for trying to set some boundaries. Just sad OP thinks she can buy respect.

Yup. The whole tone of this tells me everything I need to know. Team DD!

OP I think it might be be a good idea to contact the school to let them know you are no longer supporting your DD so that she can file for financial aid on her own. And let her know as well of course, so she can take the appropriate steps. I don't know what is required to prove that you have cut off support but it seems like the least you can do is whatever is required to put her in a position to qualify for financial aid so that she can try to complete college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a control freak. This is why the DD is putting up boundaries and distance between them. Sure, op is free to not pay and I think the kid will be fine and survive, just not get that degree on schedule. There is no amount of money worth selling your soul. If OP needs a performance out of her DD, she is better off throwing in a lot of love along with that money. Obviously, using money as a weapon isn’t working out.

Agree with this completely. Cutting off your kid because she was "rude and mean" is beyond childish but it sounds like OP is okay with never having a relationship with her kid again so I'm guessing these issues are deeply rooted. My DD wasn't always the most pleasant teen but I am so grateful I didn't react like the OP.

Lying and cocksure financially dependent college student cuts off communication with parents, left for college without so much as a bye (in the new leased car the parents pay for), and expects a large pot of gold to fall from the sky (because it always did the other semesters). And the parents are in the wrong? Interesting.

You are free to do what you want, as is your DD, but the consequences are likely to be no more relationship with your DD. It sounds like you are okay with that, I assume you have other kids who you prefer to your DD.

Anonymous wrote:Op if you can afford it I’d pay and hope child comes around later. Just because she’s being a jerk doesn’t mean you have to be. Don’t let her cause a permanent rift.

At what point is enough enough? Kids can walk all over parents and you MUST finance the fours years of tailgating, period?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a control freak. This is why the DD is putting up boundaries and distance between them. Sure, op is free to not pay and I think the kid will be fine and survive, just not get that degree on schedule. There is no amount of money worth selling your soul. If OP needs a performance out of her DD, she is better off throwing in a lot of love along with that money. Obviously, using money as a weapon isn’t working out.

Agree with this completely. Cutting off your kid because she was "rude and mean" is beyond childish but it sounds like OP is okay with never having a relationship with her kid again so I'm guessing these issues are deeply rooted. My DD wasn't always the most pleasant teen but I am so grateful I didn't react like the OP.

Lying and cocksure financially dependent college student cuts off communication with parents, left for college without so much as a bye (in the new leased car the parents pay for), and expects a large pot of gold to fall from the sky (because it always did the other semesters). And the parents are in the wrong? Interesting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I advise undergrads at a state university. Students are unable to register for class if tuition is not paid and there is no arrangement with the financial aid or bursar's office.

This is impossible. They typically register 6 months before the semester starts. Tuition is usually due a week or so before the term starts. Some scholarships and financial aid money doesn’t even get to the school until after add/drop date.
When our tuition payment went to the wrong account, it took the large state U months to track down that my kids tuition had not been paid (according to the school’s account).

She probably meant they wouldn't be able to register for the following semester. So if you didn't pay fall 2019 tuition, you would be blocked from registering for spring 2020 classes when you went to do so in October/November/December/whenever the registration period is.