Of course this will be an issue, and anyone who says otherwise is rationalizing. If you have children 15 years later than your parents did, then your children will be 15 years younger than you were when their parents hit 75, 80, 85, or whatever age is a milestone for needing help. Yes, it’s true people are living longer than they used to (some people), but no: active, high-quality life has not increased by that many years compared to a generation ago.

We’re in our mid 40s and dealing with an ill parent in their mid-70s and it’s really hard. If this were 15 years ago, we would have had a newborn and less money and time and it would have been even harder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a society, we need to rethink our family units of the future. It makes no sense to have the elderly in retirement centers and the kds in daycare. We need multi-generational households again, that all live together and yet are independent.

We cannot have our young people wiped out by student loans and debts. Pay has to be equal for both men and women and paid maternity and paternity leave should be the norm. Flexible work schedules and remote work needs to be the norm.

This country is too backwards in all of these things.

What country isn't "backwards" when it comes to these things?

Most of Europe especially Scandinavia.

Age 58 here, Mom has late stage alzheimers. Dad died last year of alcoholism. I'm flat out exhausted and we employ round the clock
caregivers for Mom and she is still in her home for now.

No way could I have done what I've been doing the last 12 months in my 20's.

I have no idea how people do it who have 2, 3, or 4 aging parents at the same time.

Since Dad died I easily average 20 hours a week on Mom's affairs and up to 50-60 hours per week when there are problems.

I'm really bone tired.

I’m right in the middle of the sandwich and I’m extremely worried about this. I’m 45, with a 5 year old child, and a 75 year old mom with health issues (79 year old dad is acting as the main caregiver). My mom had to deal with the same issues when she was in her 30s and 40s, while I was young (my grandmother was 30 when my mom was born), due to her dad’s dementia which started in his 60s. I’m adding an additional ten year gap compared to the prior generations so I”m really worried about what my child will have to deal with as I age.

This has actually motivated me to try one of those dna kits to see if I am predisposed to any diseases, and I’m inclined to start following a Mediterranean diet linked to reduced risk of dementia. I would love to exercise regularly and make other health related changes but the demands of work paired with the sandwich situation take up all my time. And I”m inclined to start a separate savings/investment account, independent of my 401k, designated for these types of future health issues. One saving grace is that my parents are not (yet) in need of financial help, and i don’t ever want my daughter to have to bear a financial burden for my care.

Agree with pps about sandwich generation being the hardest. My parents were in their mid 30s when they had me. I didn't have my kids until late 30s/early 40s. When my dad's health rapidly declined, I had my first newborn. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer and going through chemo, I had my 2nd new born. I was already not sleeping with the babies, the stress of worrying and caring about my ailing parents made me completely insomniac and I became skeletal. I shutter to think how I survived those years.

I volunteer at a hospice and think about this a lot. I see a lot of elderly people who are living with multiple complex issues that might have died 10 or 20 years younger in previous times, not to mention the dementia, confusion, etc.

Generations are wide in my family. Minimum of 30 years between them for 4 generations. So for us, there’s no looming crisis. It’s how it has always been. Disaster and poor health can strike at any time, so we just try to be prepared as much as anyone can be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the best we can hope for is to go quickly. Old age is overrated. Medicine intervention prolongs suffering of the elderly.

You can hope but you can't control it, at all. This is like my FIL going on and on how he will go his way, and he is 76. My dad was doing great and then they determined that his arteries were blocked like 99% and he was not overweight, nor had heart issue before. I think it is all that margarine that was touted as health food for decades and similar things... After his surgery, he never recovered, Parkinson's caused by a stroke developed, few falls due to it, accelerated dementia. My dad passed away last year, after sever dementia and mobility issues. I am sure he didn't want this, but FIL is still on and on, and he is the same age as my dad when it all went to hell. And he eats like crap, all the time pies, and pastries, only store bought or restaurant food and he lives alone and like to pretend that nothing will happen. I can't even imagine if DH and I were 20ish, how would could handle any of what happened with my dad and what is likely to happen with FIL. Now, we at least have more money and can travel to visit FIL. Elderly parents might become and insane burden on their 20 year old kids.

As someone who has lost a parent young (went into a nursing home when I was in my 20's), I can say that I learned a lot from that experience even though I was not the primary caregiver/the one making decisions. I was there every step of the way for the decision maker, though, because they needed support, too. It was hard.

I do not think that the average 20 something is going to be able to handle this sort of thing alone. It's overwhelming. These parents need to either put a plan in place for themselves BEFORE an emergency happens or they will simply have to deal with the consequences of not doing so. And, actually, parents with older adult children can not assume that a 30, 40, 50, 60 or 70 something can just put their own lives on hold and rush in to take over for them. Maybe they are dealing with small (or not so small) children, an ill spouse or health issues of their own. Life happens to everybody. Some of it's good, some of it not so much.

Anonymous wrote:I think the best we can hope for is to go quickly. Old age is overrated. Medicine intervention prolongs suffering of the elderly.

You can hope but you can't control it, at all. This is like my FIL going on and on how he will go his way, and he is 76. My dad was doing great and then they determined that his arteries were blocked like 99% and he was not overweight, nor had heart issue before. I think it is all that margarine that was touted as health food for decades and similar things... After his surgery, he never recovered, Parkinson's caused by a stroke developed, few falls due to it, accelerated dementia. My dad passed away last year, after sever dementia and mobility issues. I am sure he didn't want this, but FIL is still on and on, and he is the same age as my dad when it all went to hell. And he eats like crap, all the time pies, and pastries, only store bought or restaurant food and he lives alone and like to pretend that nothing will happen. I can't even imagine if DH and I were 20ish, how would could handle any of what happened with my dad and what is likely to happen with FIL. Now, we at least have more money and can travel to visit FIL. Elderly parents might become and insane burden on their 20 year old kids.

Regardless of what what many will say, oh it's fine, no big deal, the fact is that our diet in the last 30 years is contributing to dementia in more people. Blocked arteries and all that due to nasty sugar and trans fats. Even in skinny older people this is a real health issue. And you can't really blame the older parents, they did follow the guidelines and thought they were eating healthily. Currently there is an explosion of dementia and early onset of dementia.
"We face a looming global epidemic of Alzheimer's disease as the world's population ages," Brookmeyer says in a news release. "By 2050, one in 85 people worldwide will have Alzheimer's disease."
So, OP, your observation is probably very valid. Young marriages can' barely survive regular MILs and ILS, let alone elderly parents with dementia.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is so sad to me, after going through my parents decline and now my inlaws is how all consuming it is. It is highly emotional, it can be contentious...with them and siblings, for example, also financially draining, and if you are working, the job could be in jeopardy because there are endless emergencies. It is full time managing medical care, insurance, nurses, in home and out patient visits, medications, the fear of doing something wrong, the fear of not doing enough, lack if sleep, etc.

And then they die. Naturally there is a feeling of relief to some extent, and for some, even an inheritance...like a weird prize of some sort. Then there is the second guessing, maybe some guilt. You won't be bothered at 3 am anymore, or have to argue with your stupid brother or the actual sick parent who is being really difficult, but now wish you could go back and do something or everything differently.
And it is all because people get sick and die at some point in their lives...which is supposed to happen. It shouldn't be a mind f#($ to try and take care of a parent. Everyone deserves to be cared for and loved when they need it, but I know what the reality is. Our lives are not designed for it now. I know it will be the same way when it is my turn. I will be a burden- no matter what I try to do to preempt it.

I get this....sadly.

Thank you for sharing this. It really resonated with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a correlation between the gene that allows long fertility (older natural pregnancy) and the gene linked to longevity.

My mom has me in her mid 40s as a “whoops” baby. She’s in her 90s and basically fine health-wise. Her mom had her in her 30’s as a first baby, and she had no dementia at all until well past 100. So genetics plays a role.

Your reference to "the gene" is nonsense. Nobody has identified such gene(s). The rest is far from settled although there are indications that having a few children is better for women's longevity than none or many children.

Grandma had 7, last at 42. Is alive at 97. Go figure. My Mom, her daughter, died at 72 quick cancer. It’s a crapshoot.

Here's one of the studies, although there are several more that can be easily found online. My family members were involved in one of the earliest big studies regarding super-longevity and that correlation was one of their notable findings, so I have followed the research that grew out of it a bit. They haven't identified a specific gene, but there's a strong correlation found in multiple studies and the hypothesis is that there is a gene or combination of genes that basically slows the aging process resulting in longer fertility as well as delayed dementia and longer life. I agree with PP that cancer is a total wildcard, though. The relative that was involved in the study had a mother who died at 80 due to breast cancer (before it was really treated) -- without the breast cancer, maybe she would have lived to be 100, like her mother and her daughters.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4270889/

NP. I'm familiar with this research. I think it is important to point out that, historically, women who were getting and staying pregnant in their 40s were doing so without any artificial reproductive technology. They got pregnant on their own, and they stayed pregnant on their own. So yeah, for those women, this probably was true.

Today, it is a very different story. Science allows many of us to have children far later than we otherwise would have. In other words, you're going to have a lot of older parents walking around who don't have whatever mystery gene there might be that will help with their longevity.

Anonymous wrote:As a society, we need to rethink our family units of the future. It makes no sense to have the elderly in retirement centers and the kds in daycare. We need multi-generational households again, that all live together and yet are independent.

We cannot have our young people wiped out by student loans and debts. Pay has to be equal for both men and women and paid maternity and paternity leave should be the norm. Flexible work schedules and remote work needs to be the norm.

This country is too backwards in all of these things.

What country isn't "backwards" when it comes to these things?

I think some people are flippant with saying I was 22 when I dealt with mom or dad dying so it can happen any time and we deal. Most likely if you were young someone else dealt with the caregiver. That is a world of difference from a 22 year old who has to do the lion's share of the work.

I agree with the person who said we should all hope to go quickly. Unless you have dealt with the hell of frequent emergencies disrupting your life and the insane pull of raising kids and having needy parents and unappreciative siblings trying to command the show by phone, you just cannot fathom what hell our kids might face at an age when they haven't develop the emotional strength and enough experience with adversity to have the emotional and physical resources to cope. Parents can become full out verbally abusive with dementia and Alzheimers which just adds the poison frosting to the poison cake.

I think the best we can hope for is to go quickly. Old age is overrated. Medicine intervention prolongs suffering of the elderly.