Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"PP here, and there was a problem with both the content and the amount. Way beyond Playboy pictures. And a large volume. "

What does this mean, specifically? Non consensual porn?

Because it does sound like you created a cycle of forbidding and hoarding.

Unless it was violent rape fantasy porn(and even then...the key word is FANTASY) what kind of message did you send your kid by telling him he needs therapy and sanctions for viewing sexual content?

You have the aura of sounding like you are doing right, but I don't think so...

I’m not going into the content. But almost no parent would be okay with it.

And if I have the aura of doing the right thing, it’s because I am really struggling right now to do the right thing. And I don’t know what that is. It’s a hard situation. Maybe I should have left it alone. But it didn’t feel like it was headed anywhere good.

And the kid wasn’t forced into therapy. That wouldn’t work for a teen. And therapy isn’t a punishment and should never be thought of as a punishment. It’s someone outside the family who helps solve problems the parents can’t solve alone. My kid was told we we thought this was a bad situation for everyone and we wanted to get some professional help. And agreed to it. He had worked with a therapist for a year in ES on something completely unrelated. Parents also meet with the kid and the therapist once a month and consider feedback about what we can do.

Parenting teens is just hard sometimes. In the end, we’ll never know for sure if we are doing the right thing.

Okay., The first really does matter. I am not going to ask you to go into it, but there is almost no porn, (child porn aside because this is proven to indicate predilection) that should lead you to think your child needs therapy. Even the really gross stuff, like stepmother/stepson and bestiality and bondage. These are fantasies/ cathartic releases. People are born with fetishes and weird proclivities. It doesn't mean they want to really f#ck their mom or the family dog. Again, child porn aside.

Of course therapy is not a punishment. But the messaging is there regardless: I have weird fantasies I want to indulge safely, mom and dad won't let me and go way overboard keeping me from it, and now think I need therapy to "fix myself."

Hopefully, your therapist is hoping your son see all this clearly and let him know that his fantasies do not mean he is broken.

Secondly, it sounds like you have lots of other issues to handle other than the porn, and while you are posting here about porn and sound lovely and well-intentioned, your issues seem tangential to porn itself.

Even if you made the porn a totem for all of your son's problems.

Now, on the off chance your son WAS watching child pornography, you should listen to this. There is support out that there keeps people from becoming offenders and ruining lives with fantasies.
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/522/tarred-and-feathered

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"PP here, and there was a problem with both the content and the amount. Way beyond Playboy pictures. And a large volume. "

What does this mean, specifically? Non consensual porn?

Because it does sound like you created a cycle of forbidding and hoarding.

Unless it was violent rape fantasy porn(and even then...the key word is FANTASY) what kind of message did you send your kid by telling him he needs therapy and sanctions for viewing sexual content?

You have the aura of sounding like you are doing right, but I don't think so...

I’m not going into the content. But almost no parent would be okay with it.

And if I have the aura of doing the right thing, it’s because I am really struggling right now to do the right thing. And I don’t know what that is. It’s a hard situation. Maybe I should have left it alone. But it didn’t feel like it was headed anywhere good.

And the kid wasn’t forced into therapy. That wouldn’t work for a teen. And therapy isn’t a punishment and should never be thought of as a punishment. It’s someone outside the family who helps solve problems the parents can’t solve alone. My kid was told we we thought this was a bad situation for everyone and we wanted to get some professional help. And agreed to it. He had worked with a therapist for a year in ES on something completely unrelated. Parents also meet with the kid and the therapist once a month and consider feedback about what we can do.

Parenting teens is just hard sometimes. In the end, we’ll never know for sure if we are doing the right thing.

Okay., The first really does matter. I am not going to ask you to go into it, but there is almost no porn, (child porn aside because this is proven to indicate predilection) that should lead you to think your child needs therapy. Even the really gross stuff, like stepmother/stepson and bestiality and bondage. These are fantasies/ cathartic releases. People are born with fetishes and weird proclivities. It doesn't mean they want to really f#ck their mom or the family dog. Again, child porn aside.

Of course therapy is not a punishment. But the messaging is there regardless: I have weird fantasies I want to indulge safely, mom and dad won't let me and go way overboard keeping me from it, and now think I need therapy to "fix myself."

Hopefully, your therapist is hoping your son see all this clearly and let him know that his fantasies do not mean he is broken.

Secondly, it sounds like you have lots of other issues to handle other than the porn, and while you are posting here about porn and sound lovely and well-intentioned, your issues seem tangential to porn itself.

Even if you made the porn a totem for all of your son's problems.

Now, on the off chance your son WAS watching child pornography, you should listen to this. There is support out that there keeps people from becoming offenders and ruining lives with fantasies.
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/522/tarred-and-feathered

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"PP here, and there was a problem with both the content and the amount. Way beyond Playboy pictures. And a large volume. "

What does this mean, specifically? Non consensual porn?

Because it does sound like you created a cycle of forbidding and hoarding.

Unless it was violent rape fantasy porn(and even then...the key word is FANTASY) what kind of message did you send your kid by telling him he needs therapy and sanctions for viewing sexual content?

You have the aura of sounding like you are doing right, but I don't think so...

I’m not going into the content. But almost no parent would be okay with it.

And if I have the aura of doing the right thing, it’s because I am really struggling right now to do the right thing. And I don’t know what that is. It’s a hard situation. Maybe I should have left it alone. But it didn’t feel like it was headed anywhere good.

And the kid wasn’t forced into therapy. That wouldn’t work for a teen. And therapy isn’t a punishment and should never be thought of as a punishment. It’s someone outside the family who helps solve problems the parents can’t solve alone. My kid was told we we thought this was a bad situation for everyone and we wanted to get some professional help. And agreed to it. He had worked with a therapist for a year in ES on something completely unrelated. Parents also meet with the kid and the therapist once a month and consider feedback about what we can do.

Parenting teens is just hard sometimes. In the end, we’ll never know for sure if we are doing the right thing.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds extremely serious to me and I applaud the PP for attempting to get her son help. I recommend the title essay in the book Mothers of Sparta by Dawn Davies. It sounds like you are going through the same thing she was. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:"PP here, and there was a problem with both the content and the amount. Way beyond Playboy pictures. And a large volume. "

What does this mean, specifically? Non consensual porn?

Because it does sound like you created a cycle of forbidding and hoarding.

Unless it was violent rape fantasy porn(and even then...the key word is FANTASY) what kind of message did you send your kid by telling him he needs therapy and sanctions for viewing sexual content?

You have the aura of sounding like you are doing right, but I don't think so...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, this has been the issue with our teenage son since about age 14. Now 17. And no, I don’t really talk to other moms about it.

In my kids case, he’s been open to us about struggling with his sexuality. My guess is he’s bisexual. Maybe he’s gay and doesn’t want to admit it to himself.

This was an ongoing, every time we restricted, he found a way around it thing. We put on a blocker, he got around it. We took the phone, he got it back and the porn was back.

He’s working with a therapist who is a younger guy who specializes in adolescent boys. He’s says it’s really helpful, but he isn’t ready to talk to us about his sexuality yet. We’re here when he is. He recently told me maybe he could see himself having kids one day. Which tells me he can start to envision a healthy relationship with someone. And thats encouraging.

Otherwise great kid, BTW. No substances. Great grades and. SATs, nice person. Just this.

We try to model a healthy relationship and make it clear that sex is not like porn. Discuss consent and healthy relationships.

At 17, we are now loosening up on electronic restrictions, because we don’t have a choice.

I agree porn is a huge problem and unhealthy. But people saying it’s bad, so stop him need to realize how hard it is to stop a determined kid who needs a laptop for school, and that if you don’t deal with the reasons they want porn, content blocking isn’t enough.

If someone has other suggestions, I’m all ears.

If he’s an otherwise good person and he isn’t spending hours a day looking at porn, let it go. He’s going to be 18 soon and then you can’t do anything, anyway.

I’m guessing he doesn’t want to talk to you about his sexuality because you freak out over minor things.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not mad he had porn on his phone ! I’m mad he tried to hide it in the app!

Anonymous wrote:How old and what kind of p0rn? If he’s 15/16/17 and it was pretty tame, eh, NBD. If he is 11/12/13 or it was rough/violent, big problem. (This is why young kids shouldn’t have phones...)

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to take some time for self-reflection to figure out where you failed. Maybe some time in a church youth group well get his mind out of the gutter -- Jesus helps with these things..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old? I think this is a huge problem people don’t really talk about.

why do you think it's a "huge problem". Its actually normal and healthy.