It could be that is a phase of life, and also just a phase during the year.

We're nearing the end of summer. It's hot outside. Everyone is just returning from (or still on) vacation. DC is a ghost town in August.

I bet once school starts again, things will pick up, and by the holidays you'll be lamenting 'just one free weekend!'

I live in a close-in suburb, and there's always something going on. Our street has a book club, cocktail crawl, casual backyard get-togethers. There are also tons of outdoor gathering places (there's a new beer garden), tons of festivals, farmers markets, yoga, art classes, etc.

I bet your neighborhood is similar, and there are plenty of ways to branch out once the kids are back in school. Not to mention volunteering!

Anonymous wrote:Op - this is a great post - you are not alone. I'm a 52 year old empty nester (19 and 21 year old in college). What I found was that the empty nester years are times for reconnecting. No more sports or dance or whatever else consumed your time. Reach out to old friends - whether or not they have kids at home. They will love it - just invite a group of friends to hang out at your house for a casual dinner, or stuff like art exhibits, sporting events, concerts etc. You will see who also wants to get out of the house and have fun. I dreaded these years so much but have never been busier or happier and it's a nice example for our kids. They enjoy seeing family riends over for happy hour or dinners when they are home over the summer and even join us. Middle school to high school was not so great socially but I'm enjoying these years. You need to get the ball rolling with some texts/ calls but once you do you will rekindle the friendships that matter.

Not OP but thanks for this perspective from an older mom. I also have found this period of time (early 40s) more isolating than the baby/preschool play date years which for me were very social periods. Some of my SAHM friends have returned to work cutting down on socializing during the day, and yet our kids are young enough to fully need us in the evenings. My friends (almost all moms, working or not) are so busy juggling the after school schedules of multiple elementary/middle school age kids (travel soccer! school concert! Girl Scouts) that it's hard to find times we are all free for book club and wine nights like we used to when the kids were in bed by 7:30. It's helpful to remind myself that this too is a phase, that soon my kids will be old enough that I can more easily drop them off for activities and have more evening free time.

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: Do OP and the “Yes, I’m in the same boat” posters live in the suburbs? I’m in DC, as are my 40-something friends. This kind of a problem is less of an issue in densely populated areas.

Lol, you can’t be serious! People in cities never lose friends? Ha!

OP, I can relate to what you're feeling and let me say that there are some mean ass people on this site who are very judgmental and quick to call people self-centered, immature, the works. So try not to let those people bother you. I'm trying not to! They seem unhappy and bored and can't help being negative.

I think what you're going through is totally normal. Even with old friends, the dynamics can change as we grow older and go through different experiences. Especially if you're financially secure and a SAHM. How can they relate and not be bothered if they're struggling and working to make ends meet when you don't have either of those problems? It's not that you're not without sympathy and there's nothing wrong wanting to have friends who are on the same boat as you. You, too, should be okay to talk about what's going on in your life without feeling guilty. I feel the same. I'm a SAHM and don't have any financial worries, but that doesn't mean I don't have other worries. Everyone has problems. As much as I appreciate my old friends and like seeing them time to time, I would love to find new friends who I find more in common with, but that's not easy to come by. I think it takes effort and perhaps you can volunteer more at school (I should, too) and maybe keep going to the same gym classes that you like and you will get to know some moms as you become more of a familiar face. Staying home and being alone isn't going to help you so go out there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling with this too. Moved about a year ago to a new community and thought I had developed friendships. They were totally outside of my kids' schools, which are oddly closed off here. Invited people over, invited people out, etc. But then post after post on FB of people getting together without me made me realize they weren't my friends. They were just accepting invitations. So regrouping now and trying to figure out how to start over in this new community. It's just bizarre to me that I'm a 40s woman with no friendships. Never thought that would happen.

This happened to me too when we moved.

My stepsister joined a gym late 40s made many friends via that route.

Serious question: Do OP and the “Yes, I’m in the same boat” posters live in the suburbs? I’m in DC, as are my 40-something friends. This kind of a problem is less of an issue in densely populated areas.

I thought I was the only one going through this . Glad to see I’m not alone, and maybe even “normal.”

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling with this too. Moved about a year ago to a new community and thought I had developed friendships. They were totally outside of my kids' schools, which are oddly closed off here. Invited people over, invited people out, etc. But then post after post on FB of people getting together without me made me realize they weren't my friends. They were just accepting invitations. So regrouping now and trying to figure out how to start over in this new community. It's just bizarre to me that I'm a 40s woman with no friendships. Never thought that would happen.

+1

OP, I get it; many of us have gone through lonely spells at one point or another. It’s good to acknowledge it and work on it. Not everyone has a job, neighborhood, or house of worship that connects them into great relationships.

So you’re going to have to find things to do that connect you to people. Not every activity will be a winner, and not every relationship will develop into a deep friendship, but you have to get out there, almost as if you were dating. You could try art classes, writing courses, or fitnesses classes. There are MeetUp groups for parents, couples, affinity groups, professional groups, and those who work from home. You can volunteer with your neighborhood, your children’s school(s), and/or your community. Hell, even Twitter can be great for meeting people IRL; I know I’ve connected with a lot of people that way who are now dear friends. If old friends aren’t coming to you, then you need to go out to meet new friends. It’s good life practice, really.

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling with this too. Moved about a year ago to a new community and thought I had developed friendships. They were totally outside of my kids' schools, which are oddly closed off here. Invited people over, invited people out, etc. But then post after post on FB of people getting together without me made me realize they weren't my friends. They were just accepting invitations. So regrouping now and trying to figure out how to start over in this new community. It's just bizarre to me that I'm a 40s woman with no friendships. Never thought that would happen.

This happened to me too when we moved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had advice. I’m in the same boat, and I’ve also made the same observations. Many of the people I was close with seem to be struggling with something - either legitimately bad luck, or the chickens coming home to roost in some form.

+1 There’s a podcast about women in their 40s called Forties Stories and this has come up.

+2. It’s sad. I remember my mom going through the same thing, and I was very surprised by that. I guess that’s life.

What are you saying here? It's sad that you can't get together with others because they are struggling? How about you support them? As one of those people struggling right now, I certainly hope my friends aren't thinking like this.

No one is saying that. It is just that your 40s is when many people start to really live with the decisions they made for themselves in their 20s and 30s. For example, careers that never took off, poor choices of spouses, behavioral issues with their kids which are no longer able to be ignored, and so on... I've actually supported quite a few friends in the past few years who were going through all kinds of awful stuff, but at some point I have found that these women just don't want a compassionate, listening ear from someone who is happily married and financially secure. Because when your life is that way, you turn into someone who is really triggering for them, and then the friendship becomes all about their problems. When a friend is struggling, I don't feel comfortable sharing my life with them, and after a few years of that, it gets old for me, too.

Maybe you didn’t intend this from your post, but frankly you sound like a really selfish self-centered person. So are you saying that you have no interest in supporting your friends if they are going through hard times because it “gets old”? Good luck with that because when you yourself are struggling with something ( and we all do eventually) , no one is gonna to be around to be there for you. Friendships go both ways. If you actually cared about your friends you wold understand that. Sounds like all your friendships were superficial to begin with. Real friends are there for each other - no matter how long someone is struggling with something.

Op - this is a great post - you are not alone. I'm a 52 year old empty nester (19 and 21 year old in college). What I found was that the empty nester years are times for reconnecting. No more sports or dance or whatever else consumed your time. Reach out to old friends - whether or not they have kids at home. They will love it - just invite a group of friends to hang out at your house for a casual dinner, or stuff like art exhibits, sporting events, concerts etc. You will see who also wants to get out of the house and have fun. I dreaded these years so much but have never been busier or happier and it's a nice example for our kids. They enjoy seeing family riends over for happy hour or dinners when they are home over the summer and even join us. Middle school to high school was not so great socially but I'm enjoying these years. You need to get the ball rolling with some texts/ calls but once you do you will rekindle the friendships that matter.

Op you can try to have more kids...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had advice. I’m in the same boat, and I’ve also made the same observations. Many of the people I was close with seem to be struggling with something - either legitimately bad luck, or the chickens coming home to roost in some form.

+1 There’s a podcast about women in their 40s called Forties Stories and this has come up.

+2. It’s sad. I remember my mom going through the same thing, and I was very surprised by that. I guess that’s life.

What are you saying here? It's sad that you can't get together with others because they are struggling? How about you support them? As one of those people struggling right now, I certainly hope my friends aren't thinking like this.

No one is saying that. It is just that your 40s is when many people start to really live with the decisions they made for themselves in their 20s and 30s. For example, careers that never took off, poor choices of spouses, behavioral issues with their kids which are no longer able to be ignored, and so on... I've actually supported quite a few friends in the past few years who were going through all kinds of awful stuff, but at some point I have found that these women just don't want a compassionate, listening ear from someone who is happily married and financially secure. Because when your life is that way, you turn into someone who is really triggering for them, and then the friendship becomes all about their problems. When a friend is struggling, I don't feel comfortable sharing my life with them, and after a few years of that, it gets old for me, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had advice. I’m in the same boat, and I’ve also made the same observations. Many of the people I was close with seem to be struggling with something - either legitimately bad luck, or the chickens coming home to roost in some form.

+1 There’s a podcast about women in their 40s called Forties Stories and this has come up.

+2. It’s sad. I remember my mom going through the same thing, and I was very surprised by that. I guess that’s life.

What are you saying here? It's sad that you can't get together with others because they are struggling? How about you support them? As one of those people struggling right now, I certainly hope my friends aren't thinking like this.