Anonymous
08/13/2019 15:33
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
Anonymous wrote:My DH has a sister. She is currently in jail and has addiction issues. I have a sister and we're not close at all, we're more like acquaintances as adults. We don't provide any support to each other. I get that from my spouse and my close friends.
I know this doesn't help you much, but I think you're idealizing what it's like to have siblings. My child is an only child and I worry a little about how he'll navigate eldercare, but hopefully he'll have a spouse or partner for support and we make sure we are setting everything up to make it as easy on him as possible.
How does not having a sibling cause you to feel like you're completely alone in the world?
This is not my story but might as well be. Two sibs and parents who are a drain not a help. My only-child's DH's parents are nice but unreliable. For example, told kids two weeks ago they were coming to do some "grandparent camp" and just canceled for no good reason (hypocondria acted up actually). So we have no child-care, no camp and no notice to find it. Lovely.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 15:29
Subject: Re:Being an adult only child is awful
I am an adult only child with a DH and two DCs of my own. Yes, I do think about going through the whole eldercare situation by myself and it freaks me out. BUT.
Both my parents have siblings and they are not at all close. They're basically all retired with kids having flown the nest but they never travel to see each other or really keep in close contact. DIL is an only child, and MIL has two brothers - one of whom she's estranged with and the other she sees semi frequently. DH has a brother whom he isn't especially close to.
I also know adult siblings who are really close, but it's the closeness adult siblings have with families and kids of their own - nothing like the tight bond my children have while they are young and living under the same roof.
I guess my point is having siblings is no guarantee of anything and we also have to be realistic about the closeness of adult siblings, which is rarely as pure and innocent as child siblings.
Both my parents have siblings and they are not at all close. They're basically all retired with kids having flown the nest but they never travel to see each other or really keep in close contact. DIL is an only child, and MIL has two brothers - one of whom she's estranged with and the other she sees semi frequently. DH has a brother whom he isn't especially close to.
I also know adult siblings who are really close, but it's the closeness adult siblings have with families and kids of their own - nothing like the tight bond my children have while they are young and living under the same roof.
I guess my point is having siblings is no guarantee of anything and we also have to be realistic about the closeness of adult siblings, which is rarely as pure and innocent as child siblings.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 15:23
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am an adult only child and so don’t feel lonely. My parents have lots of siblings, but both are black sheep and I am not close to any of my cousins.
I am close to my parents and I am so thankful so have their help and support with my young kids - they pick them up from school / preschool once a week and take them on early release and other days school is closed.
Watching my parents and my husband’s parents deal with siblings when caring for elderly parents and settling estates, I am happy I don’t have to navigate those decisions with a sibling. My husband married me knowing that taking care of my parents in old age is something I will need to do, including potentially needing to support them financially. I made sure we were on the same page of what we are willing to do - they won’t live with us, we may need to pay for assisted living, paying for them will not come at the expense of paying for our kids’ college and our retirement savings goals, etc.
I love my in-laws and my husband’s sisters so much. It’s like I get all the benefit and joy of having adult siblings with none of the baggage.
This is OP. Thank you for helping me think about this some more. I suppose I wouldn’t feel so alone if my parents were 20 years younger and could be supportive the way yours are. That makes a world of difference.
Well my parents are dead, so you beat me there.
+1000
I was in my early 30s by the time I buried both my parents.
OP you have to stop focusing on what you don't have, and what you DO have. There is no reason you can't find non-relatives to make your family and do things with. I also think the expectation that family will just be there, be helpful, and do things with you, is pretty false. It leads to a lot of false expectations, and even feeling of resentment - either taken advantage of, or taken for granted. Finding a community of friends that you CHOOSE is less likely to cause friction like it does with relatives.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 15:19
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
I get what you are saying. My friend is an ony child and she isnsometimes jealous ofnthose ofnus with families. While she has created a grest, caring network when it really comes down to it everyone has their own family. For example, we have a friendsgiving every uear but is always disappointed that her friends cant make thanksgiving. She hosts it with just her husband and small kids whereas, the rest of us celebrate with a large extended family. Her kids dont have cousins, the rest ofnthe kids have cousins.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 14:54
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
Anonymous wrote:The purest loneliness is if you’re stuck somewhere and there is no one who will wonder where you are. Please keep a gratitude journal and include your spouse as item 1. Signed, No Spouse or S.O.
This is a good idea. Thank you.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 14:52
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am an adult only child and so don’t feel lonely. My parents have lots of siblings, but both are black sheep and I am not close to any of my cousins.
I am close to my parents and I am so thankful so have their help and support with my young kids - they pick them up from school / preschool once a week and take them on early release and other days school is closed.
Watching my parents and my husband’s parents deal with siblings when caring for elderly parents and settling estates, I am happy I don’t have to navigate those decisions with a sibling. My husband married me knowing that taking care of my parents in old age is something I will need to do, including potentially needing to support them financially. I made sure we were on the same page of what we are willing to do - they won’t live with us, we may need to pay for assisted living, paying for them will not come at the expense of paying for our kids’ college and our retirement savings goals, etc.
I love my in-laws and my husband’s sisters so much. It’s like I get all the benefit and joy of having adult siblings with none of the baggage.
This is OP. Thank you for helping me think about this some more. I suppose I wouldn’t feel so alone if my parents were 20 years younger and could be supportive the way yours are. That makes a world of difference.
Well my parents are dead, so you beat me there.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 14:50
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. I’m also an only and I have a full life with friends, community, family etc. Still, whenever we spend time with my DHs siblings I see their rapport, I feel a sense of loss. It’s really nice to have extended family.
I have no words of advice, just commiseration. My parents aren’t elderly yet, but I also dread being the only one to deal with their support when the time comes.
Thank you for this. I feel very few people truly understand.
I’m an only child raised by a borderline mother. And we lived in the same apartment as her narcissistic sister. I don’t know my father and honestly I don’t care because I’m very cynical. Family to me is like some crazy excuse people give to trap their loved ones in a fog of fear, obligation and guilt. I rather have been orphan or adopted by genuine sane people.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 14:37
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
Anonymous wrote:I am an adult only child and so don’t feel lonely. My parents have lots of siblings, but both are black sheep and I am not close to any of my cousins.
I am close to my parents and I am so thankful so have their help and support with my young kids - they pick them up from school / preschool once a week and take them on early release and other days school is closed.
Watching my parents and my husband’s parents deal with siblings when caring for elderly parents and settling estates, I am happy I don’t have to navigate those decisions with a sibling. My husband married me knowing that taking care of my parents in old age is something I will need to do, including potentially needing to support them financially. I made sure we were on the same page of what we are willing to do - they won’t live with us, we may need to pay for assisted living, paying for them will not come at the expense of paying for our kids’ college and our retirement savings goals, etc.
I love my in-laws and my husband’s sisters so much. It’s like I get all the benefit and joy of having adult siblings with none of the baggage.
This is OP. Thank you for helping me think about this some more. I suppose I wouldn’t feel so alone if my parents were 20 years younger and could be supportive the way yours are. That makes a world of difference.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 14:36
Subject: Re:Being an adult only child is awful
Anonymous wrote:I'm an adult only child. I understand what you're saying OP. There are times when you can feel really alone. Recently my DH and I were putting together our wills etc. and I kind of realized other than my DD, DH and my parents I didn't have anyone to leave anything to. I have a few cousins but I'm not close to any of them. Thankfully I have a very good relationship with my parents and they spend half the year in the area so we see them a lot and have a good feeling of family with them. My parents have also planned substantially for their retirement and old age. That gives me some comfort that it won't be to overwhelming on me as they age. DH has 2 siblings that he gets along well with but they are not particularly close and we're lucky to see them once a year. There are pluses and minuses to different family sizes. Being an only has some down sides but it also has its positives. Don't focus on the downsides focus your energy on the family you have no matter what the size.
You must have a lot if having to distribute it amongst 4 people only bothers you so much!.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 14:35
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
Anonymous wrote:The purest loneliness is if you’re stuck somewhere and there is no one who will wonder where you are. Please keep a gratitude journal and include your spouse as item 1. Signed, No Spouse or S.O.
Another version of intense loneliness is having the siblings, or parents, or whatever, and yet having them be aware of you, if at all, only as a object to talk at, not as an actual individual.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 14:31
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
I am an adult only and so is my husband(he comes from a LARGE extended family).
I am sorry that you feel so lonely, perhaps it is not being an only child that is the cause of this feeling -- you should try exploring that with a therapist. One of my parents has passed and my DH was a tremendous support, boots on the ground help throughout the illness and thru the service, handling of the estate, etc.
I have a close relationship with my surviving parent(they were divorced during my childhood). I have cousins, aunts, friends.
I am sorry that you feel so lonely, perhaps it is not being an only child that is the cause of this feeling -- you should try exploring that with a therapist. One of my parents has passed and my DH was a tremendous support, boots on the ground help throughout the illness and thru the service, handling of the estate, etc.
I have a close relationship with my surviving parent(they were divorced during my childhood). I have cousins, aunts, friends.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 14:05
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
The purest loneliness is if you’re stuck somewhere and there is no one who will wonder where you are. Please keep a gratitude journal and include your spouse as item 1. Signed, No Spouse or S.O.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 14:02
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
Anonymous wrote:I am an adult only child and so don’t feel lonely. My parents have lots of siblings, but both are black sheep and I am not close to any of my cousins.
I am close to my parents and I am so thankful so have their help and support with my young kids - they pick them up from school / preschool once a week and take them on early release and other days school is closed.
Watching my parents and my husband’s parents deal with siblings when caring for elderly parents and settling estates, I am happy I don’t have to navigate those decisions with a sibling. My husband married me knowing that taking care of my parents in old age is something I will need to do, including potentially needing to support them financially. I made sure we were on the same page of what we are willing to do - they won’t live with us, we may need to pay for assisted living, paying for them will not come at the expense of paying for our kids’ college and our retirement savings goals, etc.
I love my in-laws and my husband’s sisters so much. It’s like I get all the benefit and joy of having adult siblings with none of the baggage.
+1 I could have written this.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 14:00
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
Anonymous wrote:I DON'T feel lonely. I'm NOT jealous of friends or my spouse. I DO feel like I have a ton of support when I need it. I DO travel with family (and/or friends/spouse), I do host and attend family events, etc.
But I believe in the concept of "the family you create". I also don't worry about technicalities. I'm closest with a cousin who is a third cousin once removed or something like that. It doesn't matter that he's not a first cousin or a brother. I don't need his bone marrow.
Focus on what you DO have.
+1 I have a close friend group and my parents are local. In some ways, I'm thankful that as decisions need to be made I don't have to run them by siblings for consensus like I've observed with my spouse and friends. There have been many occasions where the siblings aren't in agreement and it causes its own set of issues and even delays. I agree with the above, focus on the family you DO have and find the positives that come with it.
Anonymous
08/13/2019 13:58
Subject: Being an adult only child is awful
I am an adult only child and so don’t feel lonely. My parents have lots of siblings, but both are black sheep and I am not close to any of my cousins.
I am close to my parents and I am so thankful so have their help and support with my young kids - they pick them up from school / preschool once a week and take them on early release and other days school is closed.
Watching my parents and my husband’s parents deal with siblings when caring for elderly parents and settling estates, I am happy I don’t have to navigate those decisions with a sibling. My husband married me knowing that taking care of my parents in old age is something I will need to do, including potentially needing to support them financially. I made sure we were on the same page of what we are willing to do - they won’t live with us, we may need to pay for assisted living, paying for them will not come at the expense of paying for our kids’ college and our retirement savings goals, etc.
I love my in-laws and my husband’s sisters so much. It’s like I get all the benefit and joy of having adult siblings with none of the baggage.
I am close to my parents and I am so thankful so have their help and support with my young kids - they pick them up from school / preschool once a week and take them on early release and other days school is closed.
Watching my parents and my husband’s parents deal with siblings when caring for elderly parents and settling estates, I am happy I don’t have to navigate those decisions with a sibling. My husband married me knowing that taking care of my parents in old age is something I will need to do, including potentially needing to support them financially. I made sure we were on the same page of what we are willing to do - they won’t live with us, we may need to pay for assisted living, paying for them will not come at the expense of paying for our kids’ college and our retirement savings goals, etc.
I love my in-laws and my husband’s sisters so much. It’s like I get all the benefit and joy of having adult siblings with none of the baggage.