What if the illness is mental illness?

Am I a piece of shit for leaving a bipolar spouse who refused to continue treatment?

Am I obligated to keep my child in a home where savings are spent to zero on manic shopping? Where promises are never fulfilled? Where friends, family, and neighbors are alienated so we have no community? Where on any given day, something like unloading a dishwasher the wrong way can send my spouse into a violent rage?

my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

You’ve posted this before. Can you point to the reputable sources that say this, or is this what you observed in a handful of situations you have personally encountered?

I haven't looked for sources, truthfully. I've observed this in all the people with handicapping chronic illnesses, and I am convinced it happens in the great majority of cases. It's inevitable, really, and I'm not judging.

You’re full of crap.

Agreed, she's full of crap. I feel sorry for her because she won't know the beauty in trying to remain strong while you weather an illness and can't appreciate that beauty in others.

My mother had a series of strokes. The first one changed her personality a bit and left her with a few minor physical limitations, which frustrated her. My dad stayed by her side and treated her with incredible kindness, even on her roughest days. I was so proud of her for everything she'd try to do. She didn't sit there and let people wait on her hand and foot. She did all she could even when it was next to impossible for her. She just kept on trying. She still wanted to take care of my dad in all of the ways she always had. I was in awe of her. The subsequent strokes did more damage and the final one left her unable to walk, talk, or eat. They had conversations in front of all of us for years where they both agreed not to keep the other one alive in that state--neither wanted to live that way and be that much of a burden to the other. When he placed her in home hospice care it nearly killed him. She died at home. He held her in his arms and sang to her as she passed. I have never been more proud of him in my life than I was while I watched him go through this struggle.

So excuse me when I call crap on you saying that people who deal with illness give up and become mean or when others said they'd walk away and leave the spouse to deal with it. I'm so thankful my family didn't set either of those examples for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, but some people suck and can’t handle it.

Translation: I don't want to plan for my future. I want to suck the energy out of my spouse until the bitter end... because I can't save money to secure my future.

Horrible. You're both there through thick and thin. I would absolutely help nurse my spouse if something happened. If I had to hire help so be it. Someone that would abandon their spouse because of a illness is a pos. No brainer there...

Anonymous wrote:No, but some people suck and can’t handle it.

Translation: I don't want to plan for my future. I want to suck the energy out of my spouse until the bitter end... because I can't save money to secure my future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Cancer survivor here, which means my odds of cancer again are increased. It has always crossed my mind if men wouldn't marry me because they would be afraid of what the future would hold. I wouldn't be with someone who had any feelings like you are expressing, the "OMG I'd be a caretaker", like that's not the right mindset to have. You and your spouse take care of each in different throughout life, that's a marriage. You love someone and marry someone in sickness and in health, not just health and then kick them to the curb.

As a cancer survivor I would expect you to have a plan in place so your new partner would not become a caregiver and bankrupt single parent.

You know what your situation is and you need to plan for the future.

I know many people who married somebody with a condition they did not disclose or plan for before the marriage and I would say they entered the marriage under false pretenses.

One I can't have kids because to the cancer, so no single parent status in the future.

Two I highly doubt you know MANY people who in this situation didn't disclose. The world can be a bad place but not that bad.

Has something bad happened to you because I feel this negativity from you, which is unnecessary.

Actually, I am old so yes, I know many. Live in an over 55 community for a while.. you will know many too.

My BIL's girlfriend also "could not get pregnant due to cancer, but she did, and she died when the child was 18 months"

I am not negative I am realistic. I will take care of my future, my H will take care of his and we won't bankrupt each other financially or emotionally. My H marrying me does not make him my nurse. He is my companion... I will hire a nurse.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always been honest with my H about this, even before we were married, because he’s ten years older than me and health issues run in his family. Long term or debilitating illness is a deal breaker me.

You suck as a human being.

I would care for my spouse as long as physically possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

You’ve posted this before. Can you point to the reputable sources that say this, or is this what you observed in a handful of situations you have personally encountered?

I haven't looked for sources, truthfully. I've observed this in all the people with handicapping chronic illnesses, and I am convinced it happens in the great majority of cases. It's inevitable, really, and I'm not judging.

You’re full of crap.

No, but some people suck and can’t handle it.

If my husband had contracted such a disease early in our marriage, I would have stayed married to him but not have had any children.

If I became chronically ill, I would hope my wife would stay and help me but I would also give her permission to have a romantic relationship elsewhere. I wouldn't sign her up for a sexless existence.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always been honest with my H about this, even before we were married, because he’s ten years older than me and health issues run in his family. Long term or debilitating illness is a deal breaker me.

You are a horrible person.

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

I have a chronic illness and your last paragraph is BS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Cancer survivor here, which means my odds of cancer again are increased. It has always crossed my mind if men wouldn't marry me because they would be afraid of what the future would hold. I wouldn't be with someone who had any feelings like you are expressing, the "OMG I'd be a caretaker", like that's not the right mindset to have. You and your spouse take care of each in different throughout life, that's a marriage. You love someone and marry someone in sickness and in health, not just health and then kick them to the curb.

As a cancer survivor I would expect you to have a plan in place so your new partner would not become a caregiver and bankrupt single parent.

You know what your situation is and you need to plan for the future.

I know many people who married somebody with a condition they did not disclose or plan for before the marriage and I would say they entered the marriage under false pretenses.

One I can't have kids because to the cancer, so no single parent status in the future.

Two I highly doubt you know MANY people who in this situation didn't disclose. The world can be a bad place but not that bad.

Has something bad happened to you because I feel this negativity from you, which is unnecessary.