So if the kids are nice, it’s because the parents are nice. If you are nice, it’s because of your parents. I see a lot of people on here complaining about terrible toxic in-laws, but how could they have produced the husbands that are loved?

I think it’s both. It’s nature and nurture. You’re born with a personality and your parents help shape it. Kids who are mean were born with a personality that was susceptible to it, and their parents did something that exacerbated it. Good kids can do mean things too, occasionally, but the truly shitty kids I know have parents who are not good at parenting. They are not mean, necessarily, and not negligent, but they don’t have good parenting instincts. They spoil, they cave, they think their children deserve special treatment, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. I do not have mean kids but often times the ones who were mean to mine actually had really nice parents. Mine are in college now so I will finally ask....,”Why do people always blame the pArents.”

In the last few years a study came out that noted nature has way more influence than previously thought.

I would say there are likely many reasons - not just parental.

You never know what's going on behind closed doors. My parents were "nice" to other adults, involved in the community, etc. but they were NOT nice to me. And I acted out and was a brat because I wasn't getting attention/nurture at home.

I'm sorry you went through that. Even if parents become good friends, few truly know each other and get to that friend from childhood or college level. Many seem nice and involved and then you hear stories later on.

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. I do not have mean kids but often times the ones who were mean to mine actually had really nice parents. Mine are in college now so I will finally ask....,”Why do people always blame the pArents.”

In the last few years a study came out that noted nature has way more influence than previously thought.

I would say there are likely many reasons - not just parental.

You never know what's going on behind closed doors. My parents were "nice" to other adults, involved in the community, etc. but they were NOT nice to me. And I acted out and was a brat because I wasn't getting attention/nurture at home.

I agree it's the parents, but more so not correcting the behavior rather than the parents' poor modeling/being mean themselves. I've witnessed parents ignoring or just not seeing exclusionary, mean behavior that is subtle and carried out by slightly older kids. Everyone corrects their 4 year old who hits, but many do not correct their 5 or 6 year old who is suddenly acting like the queen bee, or whispering secrets, or excluding younger kids from the game. That type of stuff is more nuanced (older kids do want to play together sometimes), and it's very natural in many ways, so I think it's harder to know how to deal with as a parent.

My niece is not a friendly, nice kid to be around. I have NO idea what she’s like at school. But with her sister and with her cousins (my kids) she’s sneaky and taunts them. She’s only 8.

Her parents (my brother in law and sister in law) are nice people, but not engaged parents. They are socially awkward and the dad can be very rude. They are not loving and warm. She’s also been in daycare 10 hours a day since she was 6 weeks old. Now, she goes to school at 7 and gets home at 6:15.

I don’t think she’s inherited meanness, but I think she is being raised in a weird environment.

The girl who harassed me in school had the bitch PTO mom. Every school parent organization has one. If yours doesn't, it's you.

It's either a learned behavior at home or the parents have created the monster by giving too much/not enough attention & being too lax or strict.

Let the child rule the roost at home & of course she'll act that way at school. Ignore her & she'll display negative attention seeking behavior. Rarely is it parents that are normal & middle of the road who teach moderation.

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

No. It’s overly attached parents. The mothers who bring everything the child does back to herself. Mean girls have overly involved mean mothers (firing nannies, housekeepers, anyone the child is attached to without warning; dropping friends).

I don’t know what you mean by group care. School?

Parents. No question. As a teacher, I have seen this time and time again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

Totally agree with this. Most kids that went to daycare from an early age seem to be bullies (even at 3-4 years of age). All kids that spent the first year or so with parents or nanny where they got undivided attention are so much nicer and more empathetic.

Meh. I grew up when most kids had SAHMs and there were plenty of bullies.

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

Totally agree with this. Most kids that went to daycare from an early age seem to be bullies (even at 3-4 years of age). All kids that spent the first year or so with parents or nanny where they got undivided attention are so much nicer and more empathetic.

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. I do not have mean kids but often times the ones who were mean to mine actually had really nice parents. Mine are in college now so I will finally ask....,”Why do people always blame the pArents.”

In the last few years a study came out that noted nature has way more influence than previously thought.

I would say there are likely many reasons - not just parental.

I think this is it. I think when large families were the norm, parents took less credit and less blame. When parents only have one or two children, there's less understanding of nature.

Group childcare combined with detached parents.

When I was in grade school and high school I noticed that mean kids usually had really nice parents.

I think it's environment. Kids around other kids all day, Lord of the Flies is inevitable.

I disagree. I do not have mean kids but often times the ones who were mean to mine actually had really nice parents. Mine are in college now so I will finally ask....,”Why do people always blame the pArents.”

In the last few years a study came out that noted nature has way more influence than previously thought.

I would say there are likely many reasons - not just parental.