Anonymous wrote:you are letting your pediatrician and your marriage counselor run your family while you ignore your husband.

pick two out of 4 (soda, bedtime, fights, screens) and have them your way and the rest his way. none of these are things you will be able to control btw.

Exactly.
My DS has friends whose mom is the type walking around with veggies making her kids eat "2 carrots before pizza" at parties.
When they come to our house they beg for cookies, eat 3 pieces of pizza (no carrots) and want juice (they can't have that either).
They literally proclaimed Cheetos as the best thing they ever tasted (had never tried them and they are 11).
We don't munch on junk all of the time but my kid has some crap food in moderation.

Those kids are binging every chance they can out of that house.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I haven't read all the replies, but OP, this is my situation. It's really frustrating at times. I've had to relax a lot of stuff. Things that I feel are no compromises, I pretty much have to do myself. I am always the one enforcing work. I used to worry they would associate me with rules and him with fun but t I actually feel like now I'm the favorite parent (not that it's a contest, ahem). They come to me when they need help with things, they come to me when they have something to talk about, like issues at school. They go to dad if they want to order pizza. Don't get me wrong, they love him and he's lots of fun but they do seem to see his limits.

As they are getting older 8 and 11, they see more the value of me and all my rules. One good example is summer reading. I have boys who don't like to read. Oldest is supposed to be prepared to discuss his summer book on the first day of school. He's also a pretty shy kid. He was complaining that I've been making him read 20 min a day. Just yesterday Husband had the kids home all day and they didn't read. When I got home after work, Husband (in front of kids) says,, "it's getting late, do they have to read? I say yes. Oldest sulks. At bedtime I say, You were pretty mad I made you read, weren't you? He said, "Yes." I said "Well, I just imagined how you'll feel if you show up on the first day and you are the only one who cannot discuss the book. I think you'd feel embarrassed and I don't want that for you." He said, "Yeah, I'd hate that" Inside my head, I danced a jig.

OP here..wow, I could have written this post, except substituting math for reading. I do also see that the kids seem to come to me more than DH when they need help with issues of substance. But they complain a lot about how strict I am (and despite what it might seems from my posts, I really don't think I'm that strict).
There are periods where the dynamic doesn't bother me, and I really am grateful for his loving and easygoing good nature...but other times, the burden I feel having to do just about all of the unpleasantness of parenting really gets to me, and I feel the resentment creeping in. Maybe I need some kind of mantra or coping strategy for when that happens. I also worry a bit about what I'm seeing in terms of the habits my kids are developing.

Anonymous wrote:Your dh sounds like a big kid and it’s not fair that you have to pull the parenting weight. I agree with you on limited soda and screen time—we have an obesity epidemic and if your kids don’t have a fast metabolism, these are habits that can severely affect their health and body. What about cavities? And late bedtimes are okay if the kid can sleep in, but what if there are late bedtimes and then they’re waking the kids for daycare? Lack of sleep can be terrible for kids—mimicking ADHD symptoms and affecting memory and behavior.

I’ve seen my brother undermine my SIL’s very reasonable parenting rules/requests and I can see her resentment build and in trying to be the fun dad, he’s making mom the enemy. It is not a healthy relationship. Kids need boundaries, they don’t need a “friend” in their parents.

This should be obvious, but the fact that you - a stranger to the situation - agree with OP matters not at all. Her husband apparently does not agree. That's far more relevant.

With the limited information your provided it is unclear if you DH just lays around allowing everything to crumble around him, or if he is a good and loving father who cares about the major things and lets the lesser things slide.

If it is the former, then i would suggest counseling and discussions about where you BOTH can compromise and find common ground you will both enforce.

if it is the latter then I would applaud him for being a wonderful father. You can't force someone to parent exactly how you want. You can expect a certain 'buy in' and common ground, but you need to respect his ideas and thoughts (unless they put the kids in danger) as much as he should respect yours. Compromise isn't about 'giving' in to the other, it is about finding what works best for your entire family and letting go of your old way of doing things (no resentment).

He shouldn't have to hide things from you (turning off the tv) because that sets it up to show the kids that we need to hide stuff from mom or she will flip out. You need a stable environment with some basic rules that keep everyone safe, but as your kids age you need to teach them the skills they need for independence.
Don't be the parent that has a page long of rules and expectations and judges anyone who dares to question or break them. No one wants to be around that person and you will never be the "FUN" parent. I don't even think that is a compliment really. While i am fun and the kids and I have a blast together they don't go around calling me the 'fun' parent. I would much rather be the respected parent. The parent they can trus and the parent who is always there for them.
Right now it sounds like they will avoid you like the plague when they get older and actually start (gasp) hanging with friends drinking soda and pizza. OH NO!!! Or when they try smoking or drinking, or want to get felt up by a boy. They will NOT come to you. I can guarentee you this. You need to lighten up, enjoy this ride and realize there is more to parenting than a 7 oclock bedtime being enforced.

Don't be 'that' parent.

you are letting your pediatrician and your marriage counselor run your family while you ignore your husband.

pick two out of 4 (soda, bedtime, fights, screens) and have them your way and the rest his way. none of these are things you will be able to control btw.

Your dh sounds like a big kid and it’s not fair that you have to pull the parenting weight. I agree with you on limited soda and screen time—we have an obesity epidemic and if your kids don’t have a fast metabolism, these are habits that can severely affect their health and body. What about cavities? And late bedtimes are okay if the kid can sleep in, but what if there are late bedtimes and then they’re waking the kids for daycare? Lack of sleep can be terrible for kids—mimicking ADHD symptoms and affecting memory and behavior.

I’ve seen my brother undermine my SIL’s very reasonable parenting rules/requests and I can see her resentment build and in trying to be the fun dad, he’s making mom the enemy. It is not a healthy relationship. Kids need boundaries, they don’t need a “friend” in their parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I see in your posts is that you're right and he's wrong.

What is his side, OP?

OP here. I'm not sure how to answer that question, but I think generally he would say that most things/issues that matter to me (e.g., intervening in fights, too much screen time, etc.) aren't a big deal.

Like I said, he's a good-natured person, and a loving dad. But I do think that there's more to parenting than that, and the fact that I am always the bad guy and he is always the fun guy is not working for me. We've had this discussion endlessly, and he always says "okay," that he'll do certain things, but then he just doesn't.

You can't change other people. And you can't expect to dictate the rules, and have him enforce them.

So, you have to change yourself. Whether that's realizing that (you believe) you're acting in the best interest of your kids, and accepting that you may not be viewed as the fun parent, or relaxing your attitude, is for you to decide.

Probably a little of both is warranted here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We discussed things before having kids so we would be on the same page.

Yup. Not on the first date, and not lengthy conversations, but I picked a spouse who was compatible to me in lots of ways, parenting included. In lots of ways we are ying/yang, but not for important parenting things.

Like many people, being a parent has changed how I think parenting should happen. We talked about those things too, but reality is not the same as theory.

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a house with absolutely no rules. Because things that were considered socially unacceptable were normalized (alcohol, smoking, tons of other things etc) I never went wild in my late teens or early 20s.. I've never abused alcohol or drugs. My husband grew up in a really religious, conservative house. His parents were super strict and had a bunch of arbitrary rules (not about food though). He went wild as soon as he moved out. He made a bunch of poor choices because he was experienceing freedom. Ironically, i give my children structure and rules but we both agree my parents approach was better than his. His parents don't know him now, their relationship is really superficial at best. His parents just never established a secure environment where he could talk about things. He and I both can tell my parents anything and they wont judge.

I think everyone agrees that a middle ground is best.

Sorry, I haven't read all the replies, but OP, this is my situation. It's really frustrating at times. I've had to relax a lot of stuff. Things that I feel are no compromises, I pretty much have to do myself. I am always the one enforcing work. I used to worry they would associate me with rules and him with fun but t I actually feel like now I'm the favorite parent (not that it's a contest, ahem). They come to me when they need help with things, they come to me when they have something to talk about, like issues at school. They go to dad if they want to order pizza. Don't get me wrong, they love him and he's lots of fun but they do seem to see his limits.

As they are getting older 8 and 11, they see more the value of me and all my rules. One good example is summer reading. I have boys who don't like to read. Oldest is supposed to be prepared to discuss his summer book on the first day of school. He's also a pretty shy kid. He was complaining that I've been making him read 20 min a day. Just yesterday Husband had the kids home all day and they didn't read. When I got home after work, Husband (in front of kids) says,, "it's getting late, do they have to read? I say yes. Oldest sulks. At bedtime I say, You were pretty mad I made you read, weren't you? He said, "Yes." I said "Well, I just imagined how you'll feel if you show up on the first day and you are the only one who cannot discuss the book. I think you'd feel embarrassed and I don't want that for you." He said, "Yeah, I'd hate that" Inside my head, I danced a jig.

I grew up in a house with absolutely no rules. Because things that were considered socially unacceptable were normalized (alcohol, smoking, tons of other things etc) I never went wild in my late teens or early 20s.. I've never abused alcohol or drugs. My husband grew up in a really religious, conservative house. His parents were super strict and had a bunch of arbitrary rules (not about food though). He went wild as soon as he moved out. He made a bunch of poor choices because he was experienceing freedom. Ironically, i give my children structure and rules but we both agree my parents approach was better than his. His parents don't know him now, their relationship is really superficial at best. His parents just never established a secure environment where he could talk about things. He and I both can tell my parents anything and they wont judge.

OP, I'm with you. My advice is counseling. He has to dig deep to figure out why he's being lazy about parenting. Soda, pizza, unlimited screen time, late bedtimes and sporadic bathing do not make a good base for lifelong habits. Is he himself a slob and unhealthy eater? If so, enforcing rules means he'd have to come to terms with his own bad habits.

Anonymous wrote:We discussed things before having kids so we would be on the same page.

Yup. Not on the first date, and not lengthy conversations, but I picked a spouse who was compatible to me in lots of ways, parenting included. In lots of ways we are ying/yang, but not for important parenting things.

OP, we tend to hear what others say when they agree with us and also hear what we want. I say this as a majorly type A person. I have made conscious efforts to not be that way with the kids and will ask DH sometimes if I am being unreasonable with things to make sure I am not over the top.

Chill out. Kids don't need to bathe daily unless they are sweaty and dirty. Veggies are great but not going to kill your kid if not eaten right now (just keep offering). You need to let the resentment go, it is coloring how you view everything he does which is actually a better approach than you have (Smoking, picking battles).
If you keep this up they will sneak, hide and tell you nothing as they age. You are my mom. So much judgement, so many rules. I could never do anything right without her judgement and her lectures. She loathed how close we were to dad. We could tell. I lied all of the time to her about everything. But my dad? He knew when I tried smoking, bought me a wine cooler to try and picked me up from a really bad party no questions asked. Mom would have flipped so I would never have called her.

Also, making rules is one approach, an alternate approach is letting your kids make decisions for themselves based on the info you have shared with them. Example: help them do an experiment with a baby tooth left in a glass with a bit of soda. Watch it get destroyed. How much more powerful that is than some rule that to them seems to come out of nowhere.