Anonymous wrote:It’s so easy to forget what our parents did for us as newborns. I’m trying hard to remember this with my own family. Their need is great, like a small child. To be in service of our parents this way comes as a surprise as they always were our caretakers. It’s difficult to make the leap that they are truly in need.

My message isn’t directly about your post, but I empathize.

But parents choose to have children, not the other way around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They need to go to an over 55 community or pay for help.

As the daughter of someone in an assisted living facility, family still needs to be very involved in making sure that care is provided appropriately. Assisted living facilities have been known to ignore doctors orders, over-medicate or under-medicate, fail to transport a resident to the hospital when needed etc. They aren’t a place to warehouse relatives so you won’t be inconvenienced. You still need to visit, ask questions, and be a PITA if necessary

Do you criticize your siblings who aren't as invested as you? What if they visit and provide loving attention but choose to have faith that the 24/7 care given by professionals is generally adequate.

Yes, I criticize my sibling who isn’t as invested as me. I know how much my parents sacrificed for us during our childhoods and now my sibling has conveniently developed amnesia. Our parents deserve a lot more than “generally adequate”!

To be honest, it sounds like your sibling can't win with you, and so is just backing away. I suspect you would never listen to your sibling if he or she disagreed on care.

Hm. OP, it sounds like there was a brother and two sisters and the sisters aren't helping?

In a family I know of who had that dynamic happened, it was because the two daughters had been serially molested by the father, and the mother knew and did nothing. The brother, who was devoted to the parents, didn't knew the history.

Just be aware there may be issues you don't know about.

Though the siblings are visiting and providing loving attention!! maybe they trust the professionals to do their job

Anonymous wrote:

They need to go to an over 55 community or pay for help.

As the daughter of someone in an assisted living facility, family still needs to be very involved in making sure that care is provided appropriately. Assisted living facilities have been known to ignore doctors orders, over-medicate or under-medicate, fail to transport a resident to the hospital when needed etc. They aren’t a place to warehouse relatives so you won’t be inconvenienced. You still need to visit, ask questions, and be a PITA if necessary

Do you criticize your siblings who aren't as invested as you? What if they visit and provide loving attention but choose to have faith that the 24/7 care given by professionals is generally adequate.

Yes, I criticize my sibling who isn’t as invested as me. I know how much my parents sacrificed for us during our childhoods and now my sibling has conveniently developed amnesia. Our parents deserve a lot more than “generally adequate”!

Facetime. And goody baskets. Pay for their cable, etc...They want to feel thought about

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so easy to forget what our parents did for us as newborns. I’m trying hard to remember this with my own family. Their need is great, like a small child. To be in service of our parents this way comes as a surprise as they always were our caretakers. It’s difficult to make the leap that they are truly in need.

My message isn’t directly about your post, but I empathize.

My dad brings that up all the time, but he didn’t do those things for me for 20+ years. And I didn’t verbally abuse him or insult his mother while he did them.

Also, what if parents live on the opposite side of the country and refuse to move? And still complain.

I went through a really resentful period. And I'm not the sib in the family you would have guessed would be doing the most. No one would ever have described me as touchy-feely. The others tend to help when one feels like a hero and the other is on town.

What has me more accepting emotionally is 1. I can't change the others, 2. It's easier now because my kid is grown up and I have more time. And 3. I also see in the rear mirror that the child ,now a man, learned as much, may be more, from how I lived than what I said. He was watching the whole time. So, I don't make a big deal about it but we talk about how his grandparents are doing, including the funny and not so funny parts. We talk about how I do get mad and feel bad about being resentful and sometimes just don't want to do it. He's old enough now that I think he's gets that compassion is hard and it starts at home. I also see how my nieces and nephews are learning from watching all our behaviors. How they judge and go on to act from that becomes their character. None of this meant to be preachy. We do reap what we sow. The older I get, the more I think nothing really changes. Our parents were right. We're going to be just like them...the bad and the good. It's a cycle. The part you play is up to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how some people can live with themselves. My sibling, for example, is a workaholic who claims to always be busy. Guess what? So am I, but I do 99.9% of the caretaking because I know it’s the right thing to do. When all is said and done, I’ll be able to sleep peacefully knowing that I did my best. I personally couldn’t live with the guilt of abandoning a family member the way my sibling has.

This is how I feel. I am busy, too. I make the time, because I know it is the right thing to do.

I did the visiting and helping. Sibling then claimed I was the favorite. I agreed and said I probably was. I explained that helping and visiting people and calling them and helping with groceries/bills/house clean up develops a relationship with someone, and I had done all of that over many years. Ignoring them completely and visiting for a photo op does not. (It was true that this relative did not like my sibling due to his lack of interest, which was expressed rudely on many occasions.)

It's one thing to be lazy and do nothing and never visit and another to claim that the one who used vacations, etc to visit the relative is the "favorite."

Some people have 0 self-awareness.

+1 for both of the above. BTDT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our older parent passed away suddenly (they were quite self sufficient), but I hear you on the resentment, OP.

I was the one who did 95% of the house cleanout. One of my siblings never even visited the house (while still visiting the area a couple times a year), in the nearly 10 years we owned, emptied, renovated, rented, and eventually sold the house. I never got an extra cent from the estate. I don't know how people can't see outside of themselves.

If you are the executor you can pay yourself out of the estate for your time. I know this because my mother has made me her executor and has told EVERYONE that my time will be compensated out of the estate. I don't think my siblings would fight that, but I'm glad it's out there already.

Absolutely this. I'm sorry you didn't know this FP. And for the PP, your mom is doing you a huge favor by telling everyone ahead of time. There still may be recriminations but no one will ever be able to say that you took advantage of your mom or that you robbed the estate.

Anonymous wrote:It’s so easy to forget what our parents did for us as newborns. I’m trying hard to remember this with my own family. Their need is great, like a small child. To be in service of our parents this way comes as a surprise as they always were our caretakers. It’s difficult to make the leap that they are truly in need.

My message isn’t directly about your post, but I empathize.

My dad brings that up all the time, but he didn’t do those things for me for 20+ years. And I didn’t verbally abuse him or insult his mother while he did them.

It’s so easy to forget what our parents did for us as newborns. I’m trying hard to remember this with my own family. Their need is great, like a small child. To be in service of our parents this way comes as a surprise as they always were our caretakers. It’s difficult to make the leap that they are truly in need.

My message isn’t directly about your post, but I empathize.

Anonymous wrote:How old is in law?

They need to go to an over 55 community or pay for help.

A continuing care community may be more effective as they often have MDs on site and dentists who visit periodically. With many active 55 communities you are buying into less maintenance (but it still exists) community for typically a paid off mortgage.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "lazy" sibling; sibling let me know she was "in charge" and that I received no input whatsoever. So I stopped.

Hold family meeting to divide up the responsibilities, including keeping the others informed say via a private web site. Plenty of tasks to go around, although sometimes some of the tasks, eg healthcare go to certain individuals. Still, transportation, errand running, communication with the others, bill paying, supervision of contractors can be divided up among the sibs.

They need to go to an over 55 community or pay for help.

As the daughter of someone in an assisted living facility, family still needs to be very involved in making sure that care is provided appropriately. Assisted living facilities have been known to ignore doctors orders, over-medicate or under-medicate, fail to transport a resident to the hospital when needed etc. They aren’t a place to warehouse relatives so you won’t be inconvenienced. You still need to visit, ask questions, and be a PITA if necessary

Do you criticize your siblings who aren't as invested as you? What if they visit and provide loving attention but choose to have faith that the 24/7 care given by professionals is generally adequate.