Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 13:52     Subject: Re:30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We don't have all the information but from what OP described this clearly sounds like a reaction to the life scare and new meds. It is stunning to see so many people advise dumping the spouse. It's not like this has been going on for a decade and the husband refuses to treat it. It's like as soon as you hit a rough patch you should bail on the marriage. I don't know if these are trolls or what.

I say this as a person who has went through a divorce.


Most people will advise working it out if they are older/have been together for decades and/or have children. In other words, circumstances make it hard to start over. Otoh, OP's dh is 30. They have been together for a couple years at most. And her husband is having issues this early on in the marriage with no kids or other kinds of major stress? OP is young enough and unencumbered enough to start over.


New poster. PP, you are advocating for divorce as an immediate knee-jerk reaction to what may be mental issues and/or meds talking. This may be fixable but you want OP to walk without even attempting to work with this as a potential medical issue first.

Do you simply walk away from everything and everyone that gets difficult in your own life, PP? I would not want to be in your family if you abandon people so readily rather than making any effort to help them first.



+1. If this is your reaction, then you should not be married; you're too selfish to be married. A marriage requires work, devotion and support from both partners. If one partner's reaction to a problem is to just look out for #1 and bail and move on, then that person should not be married.

This is a problem that was created by a health crisis followed by medication and there is no indication yet that it can't or won't change. If OP is not willing to stay and try to help find a solution, then she definitely needs to remain single. No partner deserves that type of treatment (although many get it from the large number of selfish people who get married).

I agree with the PP who suggested that OP go to the doctor with her DH and talk to the doctor about his behavioral changes and medication. My wife has a chronic genetic disorder that has required a lot of treatment over the years. And she's had a barrage of medications and I have often spoken with doctors about side effects of medications, sometimes side effects that she can't always identify or describe for herself. And working as a team, we have sometimes found medications that worked better. It never hurts to bring all of the information to the doctor; it only helps them do their job.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 13:48     Subject: Re:30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We don't have all the information but from what OP described this clearly sounds like a reaction to the life scare and new meds. It is stunning to see so many people advise dumping the spouse. It's not like this has been going on for a decade and the husband refuses to treat it. It's like as soon as you hit a rough patch you should bail on the marriage. I don't know if these are trolls or what.

I say this as a person who has went through a divorce.


Most people will advise working it out if they are older/have been together for decades and/or have children. In other words, circumstances make it hard to start over. Otoh, OP's dh is 30. They have been together for a couple years at most. And her husband is having issues this early on in the marriage with no kids or other kinds of major stress? OP is young enough and unencumbered enough to start over.


New poster. PP, you are advocating for divorce as an immediate knee-jerk reaction to what may be mental issues and/or meds talking. This may be fixable but you want OP to walk without even attempting to work with this as a potential medical issue first.

Do you simply walk away from everything and everyone that gets difficult in your own life, PP? I would not want to be in your family if you abandon people so readily rather than making any effort to help them first.



She can dodge a bullet by quickly dumping this guy before they get too far along.


"...for better or worse, in sickness and in health..." clearly means nothing to you.

Short of abuse or utter financial ruin, she should help her husband get treated. I'd probably try to lockdown the credit cards and bank account access.


There's no excuse for the husband treating OP so poorly. "Suddenly, I can't do anything right. I am mean and controlling. He... is bored by his domestic life." Not sure what OP can do to get him treated as apparently his doctor doesn't think anything is wrong. I'm not saying OP needs to bail immediately, but she should not tolerate or enable this.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 13:43     Subject: 30 year old DH blowing up his life
WTH else does one call a motorbike?

Op, if your DH has the insight to acknowledge the change then perhaps he will go with you to his doctor to describe it and seek help. If he does not then I would absolutely advise the doctor of what you are noticing so that he can address and reassess his meds. Anxiety and mania can be side effects of the med changes.

DO NOT have kids w this man Until you have food out whether he is ready and capable of change.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 13:33     Subject: Re:30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We don't have all the information but from what OP described this clearly sounds like a reaction to the life scare and new meds. It is stunning to see so many people advise dumping the spouse. It's not like this has been going on for a decade and the husband refuses to treat it. It's like as soon as you hit a rough patch you should bail on the marriage. I don't know if these are trolls or what.

I say this as a person who has went through a divorce.


Most people will advise working it out if they are older/have been together for decades and/or have children. In other words, circumstances make it hard to start over. Otoh, OP's dh is 30. They have been together for a couple years at most. And her husband is having issues this early on in the marriage with no kids or other kinds of major stress? OP is young enough and unencumbered enough to start over.


New poster. PP, you are advocating for divorce as an immediate knee-jerk reaction to what may be mental issues and/or meds talking. This may be fixable but you want OP to walk without even attempting to work with this as a potential medical issue first.

Do you simply walk away from everything and everyone that gets difficult in your own life, PP? I would not want to be in your family if you abandon people so readily rather than making any effort to help them first.



No. It depends on circumstances and the individual. If we had many good years and/or children together, I absolutely try to work it out with him.

Also, I wouldn't compare friends/family with spouses in this situation because the relationship is not the same. Actually, it would be easier to help a friend or family member having mental health issues simply because it doesn't affect me in the same way. I'm not building a life or having children with my friends/family, lol.

This early on in their life together and he's already demonstrating unreliability of this magnitude? What's going to happen when they have real stressors like childcare, eldercare, mortgage, job loss etc? When people show you who they are, believe them.

I'm not saying that OP should walk away today but at minimum, acknowledge it as a possibility. Give it another year or two. If things don't improve, she should walk away. In the meantime, she should not get pregnant.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 12:59     Subject: Re:30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We don't have all the information but from what OP described this clearly sounds like a reaction to the life scare and new meds. It is stunning to see so many people advise dumping the spouse. It's not like this has been going on for a decade and the husband refuses to treat it. It's like as soon as you hit a rough patch you should bail on the marriage. I don't know if these are trolls or what.

I say this as a person who has went through a divorce.


Most people will advise working it out if they are older/have been together for decades and/or have children. In other words, circumstances make it hard to start over. Otoh, OP's dh is 30. They have been together for a couple years at most. And her husband is having issues this early on in the marriage with no kids or other kinds of major stress? OP is young enough and unencumbered enough to start over.


New poster. PP, you are advocating for divorce as an immediate knee-jerk reaction to what may be mental issues and/or meds talking. This may be fixable but you want OP to walk without even attempting to work with this as a potential medical issue first.

Do you simply walk away from everything and everyone that gets difficult in your own life, PP? I would not want to be in your family if you abandon people so readily rather than making any effort to help them first.



She can dodge a bullet by quickly dumping this guy before they get too far along.


"...for better or worse, in sickness and in health..." clearly means nothing to you.

Short of abuse or utter financial ruin, she should help her husband get treated. I'd probably try to lockdown the credit cards and bank account access.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 12:49     Subject: Re:30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We don't have all the information but from what OP described this clearly sounds like a reaction to the life scare and new meds. It is stunning to see so many people advise dumping the spouse. It's not like this has been going on for a decade and the husband refuses to treat it. It's like as soon as you hit a rough patch you should bail on the marriage. I don't know if these are trolls or what.

I say this as a person who has went through a divorce.


Most people will advise working it out if they are older/have been together for decades and/or have children. In other words, circumstances make it hard to start over. Otoh, OP's dh is 30. They have been together for a couple years at most. And her husband is having issues this early on in the marriage with no kids or other kinds of major stress? OP is young enough and unencumbered enough to start over.


New poster. PP, you are advocating for divorce as an immediate knee-jerk reaction to what may be mental issues and/or meds talking. This may be fixable but you want OP to walk without even attempting to work with this as a potential medical issue first.

Do you simply walk away from everything and everyone that gets difficult in your own life, PP? I would not want to be in your family if you abandon people so readily rather than making any effort to help them first.



She can dodge a bullet by quickly dumping this guy before they get too far along.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 10:57     Subject: Re:30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We don't have all the information but from what OP described this clearly sounds like a reaction to the life scare and new meds. It is stunning to see so many people advise dumping the spouse. It's not like this has been going on for a decade and the husband refuses to treat it. It's like as soon as you hit a rough patch you should bail on the marriage. I don't know if these are trolls or what.

I say this as a person who has went through a divorce.


Most people will advise working it out if they are older/have been together for decades and/or have children. In other words, circumstances make it hard to start over. Otoh, OP's dh is 30. They have been together for a couple years at most. And her husband is having issues this early on in the marriage with no kids or other kinds of major stress? OP is young enough and unencumbered enough to start over.


New poster. PP, you are advocating for divorce as an immediate knee-jerk reaction to what may be mental issues and/or meds talking. This may be fixable but you want OP to walk without even attempting to work with this as a potential medical issue first.

Do you simply walk away from everything and everyone that gets difficult in your own life, PP? I would not want to be in your family if you abandon people so readily rather than making any effort to help them first.

Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 10:44     Subject: Re:30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:We don't have all the information but from what OP described this clearly sounds like a reaction to the life scare and new meds. It is stunning to see so many people advise dumping the spouse. It's not like this has been going on for a decade and the husband refuses to treat it. It's like as soon as you hit a rough patch you should bail on the marriage. I don't know if these are trolls or what.

I say this as a person who has went through a divorce.


Most people will advise working it out if they are older/have been together for decades and/or have children. In other words, circumstances make it hard to start over. Otoh, OP's dh is 30. They have been together for a couple years at most. And her husband is having issues this early on in the marriage with no kids or other kinds of major stress? OP is young enough and unencumbered enough to start over.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 08:48     Subject: 30 year old DH blowing up his life
I’d get a divorce. These are terrible signs. You can start over afresh. You are still young enough. Trust me. You have to.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 08:32     Subject: 30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the SSRI’s have triggered mania. This is not uncommon. A major personality change like this required medical intervention. Call his prescribing doctor ASAP.


+1. Happened to my now exDH. Anti depressants can trigger mania or hypomania in some patients. You definitely need to report to his psychiatrist, the problem is that sometimes a psychiatrist will not accept input from family members because it "violates patient privacy". This is not true, and it is a sign that your DH has a not great psychiatrist if they can't figure out how to hear your input.

I have found the the best way to provide input is to write a letter to the psychiatrist and send it by fax. That way they don't have to acknowledge that the person is even their patient. Yet, they see the info and it affects their thought process. It is also a way of sending a subtle signal that the complaints are on the record now and that if there is no change in meds and subsequent trouble, there is some documentation about liability.

In your letter you want to be specific and factual -- no emotions at all. List things that are happening in the home environment and work environment. Use words like "increasingly agitated and irritable" "change in sleep patterns" "up much later at night" "watching movies at work instead of working" "increasingly engaging in pleasure seeking activities" "increased drinking" "increased risk taking (the motorcycle)" "increased paranoia (thinking I am mean and controlling)"

All of these phrases are classic mania symptoms. This is much more specific than "personality issues". A doctor who receives these symptom changes in writing is taking on liability if he does nothing to address.


I heartily second this. My husband is a doctor and was able to accompany his father to the psychiatrist and tell him face to face what the SSRI side-effects were, and even then, the psychiatrist was reluctant to stop them. DH insisted until he agreed to taper them off, and my FIL's side effects disappeared.

It's scary how our health system can work against us.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 08:28     Subject: Re:30 year old DH blowing up his life
We don't have all the information but from what OP described this clearly sounds like a reaction to the life scare and new meds. It is stunning to see so many people advise dumping the spouse. It's not like this has been going on for a decade and the husband refuses to treat it. It's like as soon as you hit a rough patch you should bail on the marriage. I don't know if these are trolls or what.

I say this as a person who has went through a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 08:18     Subject: 30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Do you have kids together?


No we do not but I was hoping to TTC soon. Now I am terrified of his personality change and am wondering what I can do.


Double up on birth control and don't even think about TTC with this man-child.

It's telling that you use "I" and not "we" when you say you were hoping to TTC soon.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 07:48     Subject: 30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mania is typically associated with decreased need for sleep, pressured speech, impulsive and risk-taking behavior, etc. What OP is describing doesn’t sound like mania. It sounds like it could be depression that is not well-controlled.


OP makes his behavior sound impulsive and risk-taking: blowing off work the way she says he does. Irritability is a warning sign as well. I think it's a guess worth pursuing: getting the MD to discontinue the Zoloft or whatever it is.


Irritability and interpersonal conflict can also characterize depression. As can sleeping late and getting up late. To me it also sounds like he’s lost interest in work so is blowing it off—also a possible sign of depression.

Perhaps he’s also having a bit of midlife/existential crisis. Would he be open to seeing a therapist, OP?
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 07:42     Subject: 30 year old DH blowing up his life
Anonymous wrote:Mania is typically associated with decreased need for sleep, pressured speech, impulsive and risk-taking behavior, etc. What OP is describing doesn’t sound like mania. It sounds like it could be depression that is not well-controlled.


OP makes his behavior sound impulsive and risk-taking: blowing off work the way she says he does. Irritability is a warning sign as well. I think it's a guess worth pursuing: getting the MD to discontinue the Zoloft or whatever it is.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 07:25     Subject: 30 year old DH blowing up his life
Lock down your birth control until this is resolved.