Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP at least you were beautiful.
I was not. I was smart and musically very accomplished from
A young age ( dud the premieres of compositions starting in my early teens). My mother would take me shopping and buy the ugliest clothes because I was on the heavy side. She would tell me stuff like “ why would people attend your concerts when they always have to close their eyes”?
My dad was nice to me when she was not around but physically abusive to me otherwise ... to please her.

She broke up every good relationship I had. I have not talked to her for a long time, but she still gossips about me and belittles me when she sees my children.
As for rewriting history, she always remembers bits and pieces of reality— never the whole story— in order to justify her terrible attitude towards me.
My husband ( dead marriage) likes her too because they are very similar. I wish I could divorce but I simply can’t because of financial issues ( I work, he does not).

What?

You let your mother around your kids so she can say horrible things about you? And you're the breadwinner but you won't leave your awful husband? You need serious help.

Anonymous wrote:OP at least you were beautiful.
I was not. I was smart and musically very accomplished from
A young age ( dud the premieres of compositions starting in my early teens). My mother would take me shopping and buy the ugliest clothes because I was on the heavy side. She would tell me stuff like “ why would people attend your concerts when they always have to close their eyes”?
My dad was nice to me when she was not around but physically abusive to me otherwise ... to please her.

She broke up every good relationship I had. I have not talked to her for a long time, but she still gossips about me and belittles me when she sees my children.
As for rewriting history, she always remembers bits and pieces of reality— never the whole story— in order to justify her terrible attitude towards me.
My husband ( dead marriage) likes her too because they are very similar. I wish I could divorce but I simply can’t because of financial issues ( I work, he does not).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a narcissist to me. Being able to charm someone else, rewrite the narrative to make them look grand and you look crazy is part of a narcissists playbook. She wants to isolate you and have you question yourself so she can insert her own reality that makes her look the way she wants.

I agree with others though that you need to get your husband not to walk into her trap. He should be able to see it and its concerning that you can't.

Narcissists can really make you think that you must be crazy and leave you wondering how you ended up in this situation with her.

I agree with most of this (paragraphs 1 & 2 are spot on), but one big issue is that the husband doesn't believe OP. OP's husband should trust what OP says, no matter how charming OP's mom is. But instead he just invalidates what OP is telling him and disregards what OP says her mom has done to her. This is a huge red flag and honestly I don't see how OP could consider staying married to him once she starts seeing things clearly.

OP, please get solo counseling, just you and the therapist. Don't do marriage counseling or you're just opening it up for your husband to gaslight you AND the therapist and set you back even further. Plus it seems like a waste of time and money to try to repair your marriage. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and are still going through. ***HUGS***

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, there are borderlines who have narcissistic traits.

But honestly, the diagnosis isn’t important. A lay person isn’t qualified to diagnose anyway. All that matters is whether OP can tolerate the behavior and whether the mother consistently violates reasonable norms and requests. If the behavior is intolerable and the mother is a boundary violator, then there is a limited set of solutions —reduced or no contact, very strict boundaries if there is contact, and therapy.

OP, keep in mind also that DCUM is often an infotainment website. This is a hard place to get good advice about difficult topics.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom isn’t narcissistic but borderline which includes a much broader spectrum of crazy behaviors. In your mom’s case, there’s several elements which indicate borderline personality disorder. Splitting which basically means that you are seen as either either all good or all bad. Emotional manipulation By not speaking with you For several days to punish you until you beg her. And the gaslighting which basically refers to her denying the truth. I just figured out this myself over the weekend Because I grew up with my mother who is very similar to yours. For years, I thought she had depression and anger management issues but I could never explain the mind games. On some level, living with a borderline parent Reminds me of an abusive intimate partner relationship Because the borderline parents will say things like “oh if you were a good child I wouldn’t have had to hit you” and there are Moments of clarity in which the parent can appear genuine and loving. So you the victim live for those moments when the borderline is “normal”. If you want to get in touch, here’s my throwaway email: nerina.p2010 at gmail.com. Anyone else who wants to commiserate, you’re welcome to email me too.

This. Many have said narcissist but many BPD cases have comorbidity with narcissism. Narcissism is quite consistent but borderlines live in chronic irrationality.

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a narcissist to me. Being able to charm someone else, rewrite the narrative to make them look grand and you look crazy is part of a narcissists playbook. She wants to isolate you and have you question yourself so she can insert her own reality that makes her look the way she wants.

I agree with others though that you need to get your husband not to walk into her trap. He should be able to see it and its concerning that you can't.

Narcissists can really make you think that you must be crazy and leave you wondering how you ended up in this situation with her.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom isn’t narcissistic but borderline which includes a much broader spectrum of crazy behaviors. In your mom’s case, there’s several elements which indicate borderline personality disorder. Splitting which basically means that you are seen as either either all good or all bad. Emotional manipulation By not speaking with you For several days to punish you until you beg her. And the gaslighting which basically refers to her denying the truth. I just figured out this myself over the weekend Because I grew up with my mother who is very similar to yours. For years, I thought she had depression and anger management issues but I could never explain the mind games. On some level, living with a borderline parent Reminds me of an abusive intimate partner relationship Because the borderline parents will say things like “oh if you were a good child I wouldn’t have had to hit you” and there are Moments of clarity in which the parent can appear genuine and loving. So you the victim live for those moments when the borderline is “normal”. If you want to get in touch, here’s my throwaway email: nerina.p2010 at gmail.com. Anyone else who wants to commiserate, you’re welcome to email me too.

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a narcissist to me. Being able to charm someone else, rewrite the narrative to make them look grand and you look crazy is part of a narcissists playbook. She wants to isolate you and have you question yourself so she can insert her own reality that makes her look the way she wants.

I agree with others though that you need to get your husband not to walk into her trap. He should be able to see it and its concerning that you can't.

Narcissists can really make you think that you must be crazy and leave you wondering how you ended up in this situation with her.

Anonymous wrote:I am worried that you chose a husband who is replicating your mother’s behavior by not believing you and making you doubt your own reality. Therapy stat, please, OP.