Anonymous wrote:Just wondering if any other women in my age group (40s) have observed this among their peers. I work with a number of doting mothers who have millennial aged sons with various undiagnosed "problems". The young men live at home and seem to be incapable of fending for themselves. All are avid gamers, none work, none can drive, mother does everything for them. It was just today when I was having lunch with a colleague and she told me how tired she was because little (21 year old) Johnny's gaming session at a friend's house didn't end until 2am and she had to pick him up that I realised how many women I know are in this exact same situation with their sons. None of them complain really, they speak with concern about the anxiety or whatever else could possibly be wrong with their boys, and they are always so worried about causing the poor things stress, they can't push them to change, what if it makes them worse? I will emphasise here, it does not sound like there is anything so terribly wrong with these young men that they need to sit at home all the time and be waited on, all completed normal schooling then just didn't do anything with their lives.

So just in my work circle alone I count 5 women with these useless man children (one of them has 2), but I am yet to meet a woman who is held hostage by a daughter. What are your experiences? What the hell is going on?

These moms coddle and baby their sons creating a dependency, then complain that their sons are not independent. You get what you create. If you plant seeds of corn, you cannot expect to get lettuce!

Nope. Don’t know any moms with 18-24 yo sons (Gen Z) who aren’t in jobs, internships or college right now. Certainly not living at home doing nothing but mass gaming.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are from a different culture. My 28-year old son lives with us. He is a law school graduate, has a great job, and will probably move out only when he marries. He is saving aggressively and buys groceries for the house. He cleans his room, does his laundry and acts as a role model to younger siblings. He could live out but chooses to stay. I expect my daughter will do the same. My youngest wants to go to college in California so who knows where that will lead.

So how exactly would he date someone to the point that they would want to get married?

I am sure that there are other people from her culture in this country too. People marry other people from their own culture all the time. Heck, even the Duggars get married!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are from a different culture. My 28-year old son lives with us. He is a law school graduate, has a great job, and will probably move out only when he marries. He is saving aggressively and buys groceries for the house. He cleans his room, does his laundry and acts as a role model to younger siblings. He could live out but chooses to stay. I expect my daughter will do the same. My youngest wants to go to college in California so who knows where that will lead.

I'm assuming you cook all his meals and fold his laundry too?

I pity your future DIL. She will never live up to that standard. I mean, not unless you import her.

DP here. Wow! What a nasty bitchy comment to make!!
MYOB.

Anonymous wrote:We are from a different culture. My 28-year old son lives with us. He is a law school graduate, has a great job, and will probably move out only when he marries. He is saving aggressively and buys groceries for the house. He cleans his room, does his laundry and acts as a role model to younger siblings. He could live out but chooses to stay. I expect my daughter will do the same. My youngest wants to go to college in California so who knows where that will lead.

So how exactly would he date someone to the point that they would want to get married?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are from a different culture. My 28-year old son lives with us. He is a law school graduate, has a great job, and will probably move out only when he marries. He is saving aggressively and buys groceries for the house. He cleans his room, does his laundry and acts as a role model to younger siblings. He could live out but chooses to stay. I expect my daughter will do the same. My youngest wants to go to college in California so who knows where that will lead.

I'm assuming you cook all his meals and fold his laundry too?

I pity your future DIL. She will never live up to that standard. I mean, not unless you import her.

This son sounds like he takes care of himself and then some and will launch just fine. Sounds like he knows how to do basic household tasks--shopping, cleaning, laundry--more than can be said for MANY young men.
Only risk in marrying would be the expectation that any kids would likewise stay in the nest till marriage.

1) A son:
I know someone with a 29 y.o. son who does this. She's got two older highly functioning kids. In that case, I think it's because she was widowed when her youngest kid was a young teen, and it hit him hard and he had some mental health issues (bipolar). In the past he has been suicidal.

So it seems like a combo of her being afraid if she pushes him to be on his own, he will flounder of course, but "floundering" in this situation could mean suicidal behavior. So she backs down and does pretty much everything for him.

This guy has now fathered two kids with women that he is not committed to. So my friend is has taken in one woman and baby to live with her. Her son also lives at home half the time, when he doesn't live with a girlfriend. He finally has his first job, so that's progress.

I think also in this situation, the mom is hanging on because she was widowed. It's unhealthy, but serves both of them in some ways.

2) A daughter:
I also know someone with a 40+ y.o. DD who lives at home; has a history of depression and the mom works to support both. Mom doesn't seem happy about it. This scenario actually scared me and I have made an effort since to make sure my teen DDs are "on track" to leave home. My older one would probably lie around to be waited on hand and foot for the rest of her life if allowed.

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Anonymous wrote:I have 2 mid 20's boys. Both graduated from college and beyond and live out of the house. I think work ethic needs to start YOUNG. My kids worked a summer job from around age 15 and always worked summers while in college. My DH and I paid for college, but all extras were on them. I was a SAHM so we never outsourced much. Cue: Your dad is traveling this week so you need to mow the lawn and they always had indoor cleaning chores. I am baffled when parents don't expect their kids to work a summer job or have chores in the house.

OP: Regarding the kids you speak about, who is bankrolling their lifestyle? Is Dad in the picture?

Really now? Mid 20s are men not boys. Stop infantilizing your sons.

DP. My boys will always be my boys. So will my girls.

No matter what you say, they are men and women unless your “girls” are under 18.
I have two girls 7 and 1. THEY ARE GIRLS. and one day they will be women.

It’s fine if you are WASPY and not close to your family but some people are close. No reason to put it down.

We are actually very close, but we also know the difference between a baby, toddler, young child, tween, teen, and adult. As well as female/male child.

So what if I say "my boys are coming over for Thanksgiving" and you say "my men are coming over for Thanksgiving"... It's not better, your expression sounds weird to me, mine sounds weird to you.

different strokes.

How about --- 'my sons are coming over for Thanksgiving'.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 mid 20's boys. Both graduated from college and beyond and live out of the house. I think work ethic needs to start YOUNG. My kids worked a summer job from around age 15 and always worked summers while in college. My DH and I paid for college, but all extras were on them. I was a SAHM so we never outsourced much. Cue: Your dad is traveling this week so you need to mow the lawn and they always had indoor cleaning chores. I am baffled when parents don't expect their kids to work a summer job or have chores in the house.

OP: Regarding the kids you speak about, who is bankrolling their lifestyle? Is Dad in the picture?

Really now? Mid 20s are men not boys. Stop infantilizing your sons.

DP. My boys will always be my boys. So will my girls.

No matter what you say, they are men and women unless your “girls” are under 18.
I have two girls 7 and 1. THEY ARE GIRLS. and one day they will be women.

It’s fine if you are WASPY and not close to your family but some people are close. No reason to put it down.

We are actually very close, but we also know the difference between a baby, toddler, young child, tween, teen, and adult. As well as female/male child.

So what if I say "my boys are coming over for Thanksgiving" and you say "my men are coming over for Thanksgiving"... It's not better, your expression sounds weird to me, mine sounds weird to you.

different strokes.

I cook for the household, of which he is a member. We all eat the same things. He does his own laundry.

Anonymous wrote:We are from a different culture. My 28-year old son lives with us. He is a law school graduate, has a great job, and will probably move out only when he marries. He is saving aggressively and buys groceries for the house. He cleans his room, does his laundry and acts as a role model to younger siblings. He could live out but chooses to stay. I expect my daughter will do the same. My youngest wants to go to college in California so who knows where that will lead.

I'm assuming you cook all his meals and fold his laundry too?

I pity your future DIL. She will never live up to that standard. I mean, not unless you import her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 mid 20's boys. Both graduated from college and beyond and live out of the house. I think work ethic needs to start YOUNG. My kids worked a summer job from around age 15 and always worked summers while in college. My DH and I paid for college, but all extras were on them. I was a SAHM so we never outsourced much. Cue: Your dad is traveling this week so you need to mow the lawn and they always had indoor cleaning chores. I am baffled when parents don't expect their kids to work a summer job or have chores in the house.

OP: Regarding the kids you speak about, who is bankrolling their lifestyle? Is Dad in the picture?

Really now? Mid 20s are men not boys. Stop infantilizing your sons.

DP. My boys will always be my boys. So will my girls.

Alright, Ma'Dear - time to settle down. Maybe go check on that pie you have cooking in the kitchen.

We are from a different culture. My 28-year old son lives with us. He is a law school graduate, has a great job, and will probably move out only when he marries. He is saving aggressively and buys groceries for the house. He cleans his room, does his laundry and acts as a role model to younger siblings. He could live out but chooses to stay. I expect my daughter will do the same. My youngest wants to go to college in California so who knows where that will lead.

Anonymous wrote:I know 3 people like this, but they have daughters. And they aren't gamers.

All 3 woman have legitimate mental health or learning disabilities. The mothers dealt with them by doing everything for them and "protecting " them. I don't really judge them. The 3 woman are my age (33) and there really weren't the same resources when I was growing up as there are now. So the moms did what they thought was best to get their kids through. Unfortunately it hasn't worked out for some of.them.

This post isn’t about offsprings with mental/physical disorders. It’s about about capable people who failed to launch and are still being enabled by their parents. It is completely understandable if ones child is special needs and needs to stay home to be take care off.

I know 3 people like this, but they have daughters. And they aren't gamers.

All 3 woman have legitimate mental health or learning disabilities. The mothers dealt with them by doing everything for them and "protecting " them. I don't really judge them. The 3 woman are my age (33) and there really weren't the same resources when I was growing up as there are now. So the moms did what they thought was best to get their kids through. Unfortunately it hasn't worked out for some of.them.