Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 09:40     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, all, for your replies. I just turned 39, my youngest is 3.5.
Why I might not : financial paranoia, as well as a sense that I would like to have an era in my (hopefully) healthy middle aged years where I actually have my sh*t together, don’t have decaying apple sauce in the minivan, learn to cook a few new dishes, wear scarves, etc. And my husband had a bad health scare recently that made me so grateful for our three and the life we had/ sort of have again now that it’s resolved. Plus, our swiftly advancing ages making me nervous about problems with the baby and rocking the boat in general.

Why I might do it anyway: kids are the main thing that I’m sure that I’m glad that I did, and would always do again, and when I’m 80 I think I’ll want 4. I’ve in fact always wanted 4 and if I don’t I’ll always be sad about it.


Previous poster again and I thought I'd always be sad about not having a 4th. (We stopped at 3 because of infertility issues). I was sad for a good long time. I always wanted 4, i didn't feel "done" or even close to "done" with 3 kids.

However, when my youngest turned about 5 something switched in my head and I just stopped wanting a 4th kid and started feeling really, really, really grateful for the life we have the family size we have.
If I can flip like this, anyone can. I can't tell you how I truly dreamed for and prayed for and cried over not having a 4th for those 5 years. And now (youngest is 9) I am truly, 100% content and grateful to have 3.
There isn't even a small part of me that longs for the child we didn't have.


So well-put, and same here, except we had to stop at two. I thought I'd never get over not having a big family. I don't know if it was my kids' age or my age, but once I was into my 40s and my youngest was potty trained and in preschool, I really felt invigorated by the new phase of life. The only bit of sadness I felt was when we gave away our crib, and once I sat with those feelings I realized it was more about mourning my two kids' baby years than longing to do it again.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 09:28     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Well I can talk about the other side. We stayed at 3. Sometimes I do have pangs when I see a really cute baby or toddler. BUT then I remind myself about the money side of things. We can comfortably afford to pay for our three to attend whatever private college they want + help with grad school + help them get on their feet after college without stretching.

A fourth kid would cost at least 400k for college tuition and fees (plus obviously the money to feed, clothe, and raise him or her) so that is less for our other three. We could afford it but then we'd have to start sacrificing our present lifestyle. We really like to travel and we spend a chunk of change on that (~ 50k) and I'd hate to have to give that up.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 09:23     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:11 years in, and she's my second favorite. Glad we did it.


You rank your kids???


Eh. If it makes you feel any better the favorite one is grown and has moved out. So she's the active favorite.


Hah! You remind me of my dad. He’s always talked like this about us and it drives my mom and other pearl clutchers nuts, but my sibs and I love it. Anytime we do anything questionable we’ll say, “your turn to be the favorite now, dad’s gonna drop me down the rankings.” We’re all in our 30s now with kids and my dad still does it.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 09:23     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
How old is your oldest, OP? If they are not at least in 3rd/4th grade I don’t think you can really grasp the busyness of afterschool activities/lots of homework/x multiple kids. IMO life was way easier when all the kids were little and essentially did the same thing at the same time.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 09:02     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
I have 3. Youngest will be 3 this fall. I am 34 and have those same thoughts about putting up with short term pain and chaos for that bustling Thanksgiving table 20 years from now or that indescribable bliss of a newborn. But then I took an honest look at my comfort level with 3 and ability to handle the fighting, competing emotional needs and my own personal goals... not renovating my kitchen or travel but other things... and realized the family growing chapter is done. Also the fear of someone falling into cracks with 4. Maybe Ill channel my baby love into postpartum doula work.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 08:56     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Eh. My good friend's next child has autism, ADHD, elopes from anywhere so they are always on guard, etc.. And he's only 4, it's been a long 4 years. The "3rd", "4th" or "2nd" could be easy or hard, remember that.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 08:36     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:11 years in, and she's my second favorite. Glad we did it.


Please do the world a favor, and stop having kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2019 08:34     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Following. I can relate OP. Our third is just six months, and I’m only 33, so I have some time. I find I’m already thinking about #4! DH thinks I’m crazy and doesn’t even want to consider it yet (I know he’s right). There are so many reasons not to have another baby, financial, environmental, more free time later in life. I know this, but I can’t shake the feeling that we need one more.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 23:42     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Nuts. Once you have 4, maybe even 3, you literally have no out. My friend has 4 and should divorce her husband (he moved in with another woman then begged to come back). She can't, or would financial ruin both of them. She's stuck completely with that dirt bag.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 23:36     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Turned out great 4 is the best
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 22:48     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I just turned 39 as well and have 3, though my youngest is only 1 1/2. We're done barring an oops. I would be content with a 4th, but I'm also looking forward to moving into the next phase of life. And, as someone who had the 3rd at two years older than you, OP, it was hard on my body and I bounced back more slowly than with the first two. I'm back now, but boy.... recovering from that 3rd one while pushing 40... really made me feel old.

Op here, yeah I feel ya — my body is not back but could and would definitely get way worse.

Still, in 2060, am I going to be like “so glad I kept sculpting my still mildly squishy abs and got to renovate my kitchen in 2023?” Because it feels like that is what I would be trading the baby for. The sick part is that I’m not really joking. Working out and decorating are things that I really enjoy and thought I would do in my 40s. The idea of having to talk about things like teething with much younger moms is also so unappealing. And yet...babies are such miracles and this is the only chance. Alas, no, I can’t get the same feeling from holding somebody else’s.


PP here, having my body “back” and sculpting abs are only very distantly related concepts... I completely agree with you about what miracles babies are. I wondered whether my third would be kind of meh, my first two have such great personalities, how could she compete with them? But she’s SO funny and awesome and special in her own right. If my husband were on board with a fourth, which he is not, I’d surely be tempted. But, I also don’t want to be 40 with a newborn or even a young baby. I don’t want to be 60 at my kid’s college graduation, or truly old as a grandmother. Part of me wishes I’d started earlier, but I can’t undo my 20s, alas. Anyway, I feel you too. I hope you have peace with your decision when you come to it.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 22:38     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:11 years in, and she's my second favorite. Glad we did it.


You rank your kids???


Eh. If it makes you feel any better the favorite one is grown and has moved out. So she's the active favorite.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 22:32     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:I just turned 39 as well and have 3, though my youngest is only 1 1/2. We're done barring an oops. I would be content with a 4th, but I'm also looking forward to moving into the next phase of life. And, as someone who had the 3rd at two years older than you, OP, it was hard on my body and I bounced back more slowly than with the first two. I'm back now, but boy.... recovering from that 3rd one while pushing 40... really made me feel old.

Op here, yeah I feel ya — my body is not back but could and would definitely get way worse.

Still, in 2060, am I going to be like “so glad I kept sculpting my still mildly squishy abs and got to renovate my kitchen in 2023?” Because it feels like that is what I would be trading the baby for. The sick part is that I’m not really joking. Working out and decorating are things that I really enjoy and thought I would do in my 40s. The idea of having to talk about things like teething with much younger moms is also so unappealing. And yet...babies are such miracles and this is the only chance. Alas, no, I can’t get the same feeling from holding somebody else’s.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 22:18     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
I just turned 39 as well and have 3, though my youngest is only 1 1/2. We're done barring an oops. I would be content with a 4th, but I'm also looking forward to moving into the next phase of life. And, as someone who had the 3rd at two years older than you, OP, it was hard on my body and I bounced back more slowly than with the first two. I'm back now, but boy.... recovering from that 3rd one while pushing 40... really made me feel old.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 22:16     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:Always thought we’d have three, decided to “see what happens” and had our 4th. She is like the special sauce that makes our family just right. She and her oldest brother have the most beautiful sibling relationship - it just brings joy to witness their interactions. She’s a free spirit and a delight and keeps her sister from taking everything TOO TOO seriously. I love each of my kids immensely, but when I look at this 4th one all I can think is she’s just this amazing and delightful creature who somehow came to be, and it’s perfect.


How old were you when she was born?