Anonymous
07/23/2019 16:28
Subject: Those who have NO support system
As others have said -- you need to make friends. When your kids are in school and join activities you generally need two emergency contact numbers. In our case the numbers could not be us / the parents. Luckily I had made one friend and we used each other as emergency contacts for years. For the second number I used a mom that I was sort of friendly with and just hoped like hell that she would never be called. When our kids were in high school -- I confessed it to her. She was lovely and said she would have of course said yes.
It's hard to do without grandparents and other family -- but certainly not impossible. Good luck! You will find a friend that is just as happy to find you!
It's hard to do without grandparents and other family -- but certainly not impossible. Good luck! You will find a friend that is just as happy to find you!
Anonymous
07/23/2019 16:19
Subject: Those who have NO support system
We have a couple of really good babysitters. But mostly we just chug along and get through one day at a time.
Anonymous
07/23/2019 16:08
Subject: Those who have NO support system
I gave up on social support from peers (and family) when we were really early in our 30s and I was super sick. Most people in our peer group just didn't get it and were pretty hurtful. Maybe I'm just numb right now but I have learned that can't expect much of others. We hire help because that is reliable and consistent
Anonymous
07/23/2019 15:50
Subject: Those who have NO support system
Anonymous wrote:If you have no family or friend support system while raising kids, what coping strategies do you use? DH and I have no local family or close friends and we are barely making it. Oh how I wish for some local grandparents who could let us have a weekend together without our kids.
Hi OP,
we are in the same boat. No real coping strategies, you just do it. Our youngest is 2.5 now, so I think the worst is behind us. But, there are no weekend get-aways on the horizon for us. I had close (childless) friends before I had children. Some of them are still there, but it's not like I would leave my kids with them and have a date night. So, in that sense, they do not lighten the burden. However, I do cherish my old friendships, especially with those, who don't mind being around my children.
Still, it is hard. I do wish my kids had grandparents or aunts/uncles nearby, but they don't.
Good luck, OP!
Anonymous
07/22/2019 23:01
Subject: Those who have NO support system
Anonymous wrote:I tried to make friends, but realized me with my low income, I was not able to go out to the fancy restaurants and such they went to.
Sad when i was counting quarters one night to pay for my $12 drink on a last minute invite- embarrassingly my card was declined too (direct deposit in pending but had not yet cleared and i had my overdrafts OFF on purpose so i wouldn't get into trouble and a bill pay ran itself thru 4 days early..., i switched to a credit union so it won't happen again) ....
...anyways, luckily i had enough for the drink and tipped the guy an extra $3 he laughed but said money is money i need it for my laundry anyway! Of course AFTER i had already paid and the group WATCHED me pay with quarters from my purse "you coulda put that on my tab" after they saw me struggle. Yet they ordered themselves another round and did not order me one (i did not ask, but maybe i should have) so i left, excusing myself to make dinner (it was around 5pm happy hour).
I am blessed I have a decent townhouse in a very good school district and proud my son is on the honor roll every semester and HE has many friends in the multiple activities he does...
but he is now 17 and about to start school as a senior in HS next month.
I simply can't afford to "hang" with the other parents who go on twice daily $5 a cup Starbucks runs and $12 and up cocktails and $25+ a plate trendy restaurants then go on wine tastings on weekends and such. I have $2 for a 711 coffee and $8 to grab some tacos off the truck, LOL, but can't afford a proper sit down so i was invited less and less and at this point they don't call me anymore because I am one of "the poors".
I live in a high income area but my disposable MONTHLY income is what these ladies drop in 1-2 days. I work a simple admin job and have a pension and 401k, but not a high income (non profit).
Not to mention I am single (by choice, chose not to marry my son's father, I did have the option and still do, just marriage is not what i want, he is in his sons life plenty don't worry!!)- so every time we go out it is them and their spouses...then me...and they low key side eye me for being single if their husbands smile and say hello to me. Like i want their men LMAO.
I am still alone with only 2 friends to call on- one from my HS days that has kids and the aforementioned sons father/friend... but at least my son has the best education i could get him here in the DMV. It is worth putting 65% of my monthly net into the mortgage here. I'd rather be house poor in a nice area than have money but live in a less desirable one.
Believe me i tried to invite them over for board games, potlucks, movie nights, other low cost things- but they divert to the fancy bar and grille every time. Maybe once or twice a year i get invited to a BBQ or holiday gathering- but they all live in palaces compared to my humble 90's built TH.
I have learned to be a loner- and actually enjoy it now- if they wanna hang they all got my #/email otherwise nah. Tired of being the one who reaches out 9/10 times to hang out and I am always an "afterthought" and after the party already happened "You knew you could have came..." ...but no one invited me so i digress.
TL;DR i can't afford to have friends right now and that is ok. OP i hope you find your crowd, don't give up. You may have better luck than me....
I think YOU are too focused on money. I live in a $4m house, and I would gladly be friends with you. If you leveled with me and said “look, I can’t afford expensive activities “ I’d make sure to suggest free stuff and would have a lot of respect for your hustle. You have to be vulnerable and let people in.
Anonymous
07/22/2019 22:51
Subject: Those who have NO support system
So sorry you are struggling. Also no local family, the closest is relative is an 8 hour drive. It was actually a bit easier for me as a single working parent because I had a small tribe of other single moms. We would trade off babysitting and do getaways together. Married moms were willing to help me. When I partnered up later, I actually found it harder to create a community. We struggled through until school age, when we finally found some relief through some of the suggestions here like local parents night outs and better local social connections. Hoping it gets better for you with time.
Anonymous
07/22/2019 22:51
Subject: Those who have NO support system
It really makes me feel icky how many people seem to want friends just for the benefit of what they bring to you. They are people too. I say this as someone who has reached out many times to offer support. I live in an area with a large military population and I am lucky to have lots of support so I wanted to pay It forward. Ive encountered so many users.
You should want to be friends w someone so you can share the joy of companionability with them not so that you have someone to watch your kids. We can always tell.
You should want to be friends w someone so you can share the joy of companionability with them not so that you have someone to watch your kids. We can always tell.
Anonymous
07/22/2019 22:43
Subject: Those who have NO support system
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I tried to make friends, but realized me with my low income, I was not able to go out to the fancy restaurants and such they went to.
Sad when i was counting quarters one night to pay for my $12 drink on a last minute invite- embarrassingly my card was declined too (direct deposit in pending but had not yet cleared and i had my overdrafts OFF on purpose so i wouldn't get into trouble and a bill pay ran itself thru 4 days early..., i switched to a credit union so it won't happen again) ....
...anyways, luckily i had enough for the drink and tipped the guy an extra $3 he laughed but said money is money i need it for my laundry anyway! Of course AFTER i had already paid and the group WATCHED me pay with quarters from my purse "you coulda put that on my tab" after they saw me struggle. Yet they ordered themselves another round and did not order me one (i did not ask, but maybe i should have) so i left, excusing myself to make dinner (it was around 5pm happy hour).
I am blessed I have a decent townhouse in a very good school district and proud my son is on the honor roll every semester and HE has many friends in the multiple activities he does...
but he is now 17 and about to start school as a senior in HS next month.
I simply can't afford to "hang" with the other parents who go on twice daily $5 a cup Starbucks runs and $12 and up cocktails and $25+ a plate trendy restaurants then go on wine tastings on weekends and such. I have $2 for a 711 coffee and $8 to grab some tacos off the truck, LOL, but can't afford a proper sit down so i was invited less and less and at this point they don't call me anymore because I am one of "the poors".
I live in a high income area but my disposable MONTHLY income is what these ladies drop in 1-2 days. I work a simple admin job and have a pension and 401k, but not a high income (non profit).
Not to mention I am single (by choice, chose not to marry my son's father, I did have the option and still do, just marriage is not what i want, he is in his sons life plenty don't worry!!)- so every time we go out it is them and their spouses...then me...and they low key side eye me for being single if their husbands smile and say hello to me. Like i want their men LMAO.
I am still alone with only 2 friends to call on- one from my HS days that has kids and the aforementioned sons father/friend... but at least my son has the best education i could get him here in the DMV. It is worth putting 65% of my monthly net into the mortgage here. I'd rather be house poor in a nice area than have money but live in a less desirable one.
Believe me i tried to invite them over for board games, potlucks, movie nights, other low cost things- but they divert to the fancy bar and grille every time. Maybe once or twice a year i get invited to a BBQ or holiday gathering- but they all live in palaces compared to my humble 90's built TH.
I have learned to be a loner- and actually enjoy it now- if they wanna hang they all got my #/email otherwise nah. Tired of being the one who reaches out 9/10 times to hang out and I am always an "afterthought" and after the party already happened "You knew you could have came..." ...but no one invited me so i digress.
TL;DR i can't afford to have friends right now and that is ok. OP i hope you find your crowd, don't give up. You may have better luck than me....
why dont you try to be friends with similarly minded people from same income bracket? the are plenty of modestly paid feds and admin professionals in this area.
+1, this is a bizarre post and nothing to do with a support system. You are over spending on housing and in other areas if you are that stressed with money. I am also tired of people using the single parent comment for everything, especially those with high incomes and/or child support. Many get child support and have involved Dads (or push the Dad's out of the kids lives) so no empathy.
Anonymous
07/22/2019 22:37
Subject: Those who have NO support system
Anonymous wrote:I tried to make friends, but realized me with my low income, I was not able to go out to the fancy restaurants and such they went to.
Sad when i was counting quarters one night to pay for my $12 drink on a last minute invite- embarrassingly my card was declined too (direct deposit in pending but had not yet cleared and i had my overdrafts OFF on purpose so i wouldn't get into trouble and a bill pay ran itself thru 4 days early..., i switched to a credit union so it won't happen again) ....
...anyways, luckily i had enough for the drink and tipped the guy an extra $3 he laughed but said money is money i need it for my laundry anyway! Of course AFTER i had already paid and the group WATCHED me pay with quarters from my purse "you coulda put that on my tab" after they saw me struggle. Yet they ordered themselves another round and did not order me one (i did not ask, but maybe i should have) so i left, excusing myself to make dinner (it was around 5pm happy hour).
I am blessed I have a decent townhouse in a very good school district and proud my son is on the honor roll every semester and HE has many friends in the multiple activities he does...
but he is now 17 and about to start school as a senior in HS next month.
I simply can't afford to "hang" with the other parents who go on twice daily $5 a cup Starbucks runs and $12 and up cocktails and $25+ a plate trendy restaurants then go on wine tastings on weekends and such. I have $2 for a 711 coffee and $8 to grab some tacos off the truck, LOL, but can't afford a proper sit down so i was invited less and less and at this point they don't call me anymore because I am one of "the poors".
I live in a high income area but my disposable MONTHLY income is what these ladies drop in 1-2 days. I work a simple admin job and have a pension and 401k, but not a high income (non profit).
Not to mention I am single (by choice, chose not to marry my son's father, I did have the option and still do, just marriage is not what i want, he is in his sons life plenty don't worry!!)- so every time we go out it is them and their spouses...then me...and they low key side eye me for being single if their husbands smile and say hello to me. Like i want their men LMAO.
I am still alone with only 2 friends to call on- one from my HS days that has kids and the aforementioned sons father/friend... but at least my son has the best education i could get him here in the DMV. It is worth putting 65% of my monthly net into the mortgage here. I'd rather be house poor in a nice area than have money but live in a less desirable one.
Believe me i tried to invite them over for board games, potlucks, movie nights, other low cost things- but they divert to the fancy bar and grille every time. Maybe once or twice a year i get invited to a BBQ or holiday gathering- but they all live in palaces compared to my humble 90's built TH.
I have learned to be a loner- and actually enjoy it now- if they wanna hang they all got my #/email otherwise nah. Tired of being the one who reaches out 9/10 times to hang out and I am always an "afterthought" and after the party already happened "You knew you could have came..." ...but no one invited me so i digress.
TL;DR i can't afford to have friends right now and that is ok. OP i hope you find your crowd, don't give up. You may have better luck than me....
why dont you try to be friends with similarly minded people from same income bracket? the are plenty of modestly paid feds and admin professionals in this area.
Anonymous
07/22/2019 22:33
Subject: Those who have NO support system
I tried to make friends, but realized me with my low income, I was not able to go out to the fancy restaurants and such they went to.
Sad when i was counting quarters one night to pay for my $12 drink on a last minute invite- embarrassingly my card was declined too (direct deposit in pending but had not yet cleared and i had my overdrafts OFF on purpose so i wouldn't get into trouble and a bill pay ran itself thru 4 days early..., i switched to a credit union so it won't happen again) ....
...anyways, luckily i had enough for the drink and tipped the guy an extra $3 he laughed but said money is money i need it for my laundry anyway! Of course AFTER i had already paid and the group WATCHED me pay with quarters from my purse "you coulda put that on my tab" after they saw me struggle. Yet they ordered themselves another round and did not order me one (i did not ask, but maybe i should have) so i left, excusing myself to make dinner (it was around 5pm happy hour).
I am blessed I have a decent townhouse in a very good school district and proud my son is on the honor roll every semester and HE has many friends in the multiple activities he does...
but he is now 17 and about to start school as a senior in HS next month.
I simply can't afford to "hang" with the other parents who go on twice daily $5 a cup Starbucks runs and $12 and up cocktails and $25+ a plate trendy restaurants then go on wine tastings on weekends and such. I have $2 for a 711 coffee and $8 to grab some tacos off the truck, LOL, but can't afford a proper sit down so i was invited less and less and at this point they don't call me anymore because I am one of "the poors".
I live in a high income area but my disposable MONTHLY income is what these ladies drop in 1-2 days. I work a simple admin job and have a pension and 401k, but not a high income (non profit).
Not to mention I am single (by choice, chose not to marry my son's father, I did have the option and still do, just marriage is not what i want, he is in his sons life plenty don't worry!!)- so every time we go out it is them and their spouses...then me...and they low key side eye me for being single if their husbands smile and say hello to me. Like i want their men LMAO.
I am still alone with only 2 friends to call on- one from my HS days that has kids and the aforementioned sons father/friend... but at least my son has the best education i could get him here in the DMV. It is worth putting 65% of my monthly net into the mortgage here. I'd rather be house poor in a nice area than have money but live in a less desirable one.
Believe me i tried to invite them over for board games, potlucks, movie nights, other low cost things- but they divert to the fancy bar and grille every time. Maybe once or twice a year i get invited to a BBQ or holiday gathering- but they all live in palaces compared to my humble 90's built TH.
I have learned to be a loner- and actually enjoy it now- if they wanna hang they all got my #/email otherwise nah. Tired of being the one who reaches out 9/10 times to hang out and I am always an "afterthought" and after the party already happened "You knew you could have came..." ...but no one invited me so i digress.
TL;DR i can't afford to have friends right now and that is ok. OP i hope you find your crowd, don't give up. You may have better luck than me....
Sad when i was counting quarters one night to pay for my $12 drink on a last minute invite- embarrassingly my card was declined too (direct deposit in pending but had not yet cleared and i had my overdrafts OFF on purpose so i wouldn't get into trouble and a bill pay ran itself thru 4 days early..., i switched to a credit union so it won't happen again) ....
...anyways, luckily i had enough for the drink and tipped the guy an extra $3 he laughed but said money is money i need it for my laundry anyway! Of course AFTER i had already paid and the group WATCHED me pay with quarters from my purse "you coulda put that on my tab" after they saw me struggle. Yet they ordered themselves another round and did not order me one (i did not ask, but maybe i should have) so i left, excusing myself to make dinner (it was around 5pm happy hour).
I am blessed I have a decent townhouse in a very good school district and proud my son is on the honor roll every semester and HE has many friends in the multiple activities he does...
but he is now 17 and about to start school as a senior in HS next month.
I simply can't afford to "hang" with the other parents who go on twice daily $5 a cup Starbucks runs and $12 and up cocktails and $25+ a plate trendy restaurants then go on wine tastings on weekends and such. I have $2 for a 711 coffee and $8 to grab some tacos off the truck, LOL, but can't afford a proper sit down so i was invited less and less and at this point they don't call me anymore because I am one of "the poors".
I live in a high income area but my disposable MONTHLY income is what these ladies drop in 1-2 days. I work a simple admin job and have a pension and 401k, but not a high income (non profit).
Not to mention I am single (by choice, chose not to marry my son's father, I did have the option and still do, just marriage is not what i want, he is in his sons life plenty don't worry!!)- so every time we go out it is them and their spouses...then me...and they low key side eye me for being single if their husbands smile and say hello to me. Like i want their men LMAO.
I am still alone with only 2 friends to call on- one from my HS days that has kids and the aforementioned sons father/friend... but at least my son has the best education i could get him here in the DMV. It is worth putting 65% of my monthly net into the mortgage here. I'd rather be house poor in a nice area than have money but live in a less desirable one.
Believe me i tried to invite them over for board games, potlucks, movie nights, other low cost things- but they divert to the fancy bar and grille every time. Maybe once or twice a year i get invited to a BBQ or holiday gathering- but they all live in palaces compared to my humble 90's built TH.
I have learned to be a loner- and actually enjoy it now- if they wanna hang they all got my #/email otherwise nah. Tired of being the one who reaches out 9/10 times to hang out and I am always an "afterthought" and after the party already happened "You knew you could have came..." ...but no one invited me so i digress.
TL;DR i can't afford to have friends right now and that is ok. OP i hope you find your crowd, don't give up. You may have better luck than me....
Anonymous
07/22/2019 21:37
Subject: Those who have NO support system
Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry. I understand how you feel. Our culture really undervalues family & community. We were in the same boat but have since made many wonderful friends. The key is to keep reaching out until you find a friend/group you click with.
Very true. American culture expects parents to do it all without help and how dare you complain or ever ask for assistance.
Happy to be a first generation American who loves my country here but is also from a cultural background that really values family. Extremely fortunate that my parents, dh's parents, and all of our siblings all live within an hour's drive and help each other out, whether it's date night/emergency care for kids, surgery help for parents, etc.
Anonymous
07/22/2019 18:03
Subject: Those who have NO support system
I’m so sorry. I understand how you feel. Our culture really undervalues family & community. We were in the same boat but have since made many wonderful friends. The key is to keep reaching out until you find a friend/group you click with.
Anonymous
07/22/2019 16:46
Subject: Those who have NO support system
We were just gentle with ourselves. We couldn't pay for help when the kids were young bc we didn't have the money. We weren't able to build friendships until the kids were both in grade school. So in those early years, it was tough. But looking back, it is such a short period of time relative to our entire lives. And I now have the mindset of "If we could do that, we can do anything!"
Anonymous
07/22/2019 16:37
Subject: Those who have NO support system
We hired a nanny and built date nights into her contract so we get a night out every other week and by the time we get home the kids are in bed.
That has helped A LOT. And we travel a lot to see family and grandparents and they travel to us (less frequently) and we take advantage of those times to get away for a night sometimes.
We are rarely truly overnight away from the kids, but once every year or so one grandparent set will come stay with the kids and send us away to a hotel a state over or something or we will go to them and the same deal. Luckily most of the weddings we attend ARE where my family is so we will caravan down together and drop kids off day of and get a night together. But we do a lot of, use our sitter or get a sitter and have someone else handle bedtime/etc but essentially get the night to ourselves.
That has helped A LOT. And we travel a lot to see family and grandparents and they travel to us (less frequently) and we take advantage of those times to get away for a night sometimes.
We are rarely truly overnight away from the kids, but once every year or so one grandparent set will come stay with the kids and send us away to a hotel a state over or something or we will go to them and the same deal. Luckily most of the weddings we attend ARE where my family is so we will caravan down together and drop kids off day of and get a night together. But we do a lot of, use our sitter or get a sitter and have someone else handle bedtime/etc but essentially get the night to ourselves.
Anonymous
07/22/2019 11:38
Subject: Those who have NO support system
My moms group and White House Nannies is my support system. I do also have a few friends, neighbors, & co-workers I can ask for assistance.