Anonymous wrote:Not to insult, OP, but I wonder if she’s aware he sees her behavior as flirtatious. I don’t purposely flirt with anyone, but DH. I wasn’t a flirt when I was single —I feel like I do it badly. But I have been called flirtatious by both men and women. Some people are just warm and friendly (my DH) or are unconsciously doing something else (me).

+1

Happens**

Anonymous wrote:She's either bat shit crazy, in denial about being gay, or lying to you to spare your feelings. I'd leave her alone, man.

This. Sometimes if you don’t want to ruin the friendship, and a guy is really into you, you just kind of drag him along with excuses like this, it sucks but it Halle s

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she has been abused.

Sounds like she is interested but is fearful

Maybe she has been abused.

OP here. I'll respond to some of the comments. For many reasons, I don't think it was a friendzoned situation. Do you really think ANY woman would willingly admit that she's never had a relationship at her age? There are 5 million other things she could've told me during the brushoff. In fact, the fact that she did tell me that (over e-mail) leads me to believe that she has some trust in me.


If you haven't caught on by now, we work at the same place. She works for a different company, but in a totally different part of the building and I do not need to ever walk by that part unless I want to. If it were any closer than that, I wouldn't have ever pursued her.

The first time I expressed interested in her is after months of talking in person and then talking over our respective company e-mail accounts. One day I asked her out and for her phone number. She never gave it to me and I could tell she was flustered and didn't know how to respond to going out, so I let it be. But she continued to e-mail me as she had been doing. You can see how e-mail is a much safer medium as a phone number and texting seems to give too close of access. And then one day she initiated moving to our personal e-mail accounts. Stopping by my office. When she'd see me coming towards hers, she'd most often stand up and smooth out her dress and definitely try to flag down my attention. If I was stuck in meetings, she'd e-mail me asking me to come see her dress, etc.

A few months ago, I asked her out again after a period of intense flirtation, and this time she responded that she didn't want to be bf/gf right away and wanted to move "excruciatingly slowly". That right there shows her naivete and fear. I was never asking her to be in a relationship right away. Just out.

We continued e-mailing and I finally got her to stop by something I was doing at an event since it was close to where she lived. She did stop by for about 5 minutes and left, e-mailing me when she got home talking about how fun it was.

So my assessment is that she has that avoidant attachment personality where she cannot let anyone get close. Apparently it stems from how you were raised as a young child. I also think that added to this, as the years pile up without that experience, she has the added anxiety about how to even let someone in and go through the motions of a relationship. She has her own house, lives with a cat, has spent all of her life doing her own thing. If she is a virgin, there is that anxiety on top of that.

The other options is that she could've had some trauma in her past, but I don't get that vibe from her at all. The signs are not there. She could be asexual or lesbian. I also know from looking at her FB that she used to have more weight. Not fat by any stretch, but it's a big contrast to what she is now, which is a total stick. Not yet anorexic, but getting there.

I am well aware that I need to move on again, which I have begun to, but the fact that I am writing this at all indicates that I am not all the way there yet. I am not in the DC area where being a single older man is gold in terms of the dating market. Where I am at, the dating scene is tough. So there aren't a lot of great options out there and I really do like her.

But, for many reasons, I know I need to kill the hope. I am totally on board with the idea that unless the other person is "hell yes", then don't bother. You just end up tormenting yourself with someone who is ambivalent.

And at my age (41), I don't have time to f around either.

Not to insult, OP, but I wonder if she’s aware he sees her behavior as flirtatious. I don’t purposely flirt with anyone, but DH. I wasn’t a flirt when I was single —I feel like I do it badly. But I have been called flirtatious by both men and women. Some people are just warm and friendly (my DH) or are unconsciously doing something else (me).

With all of the available women out there looking for a relationship why waste time with someone who has no interest in one for whatever reason.

Anonymous wrote:I'm gonna give you the truth.....she's a weirdo, move on.

+1. Weird, plenty of other not weird people out there. Find one of them.

Maybe she just doesn't like you and is telling you she's never been in a relationship to get you to go away?

Anonymous wrote:32 YO here - I have three boyfriends. The longest was a 1.5 years. I date and flirt, but some of it is relationships give me a bit of anxiety and I am a bit of introvert. Some of it is the guys have just not been a guy that I want to adjust for and some of it is I find being with someone in general to be stressful.

So you've had 3 boyfriends...very different from the person described in the OP.

Anonymous wrote:what is with all the judgment? Maybe she never met anyone "worthy"

I only was in one semi serious relationship (a year) before I met my husband at 37, but I had plenty of people I saw for a couple of weeks here and there. I lived in Manhattan and i blame the lack of commitment among 20-something men up there. Then I moved to suburbia in my 30s where everyone "good" was married.

I'm not saying she is problem free but there are probably reasons, and they don't necessarily ned a microscope.

Why is it such a curiosity?

If the OP's woman has -- like you did -- seen plenty of people for a couple weeks here and there, she likely wouldn't have this weird anxiety that she put out to OP about taking things crazy slowly.

there's something more going on here, and i echo what an earlier PP said: crazy, lesbian or not interested.

32 YO here - I have three boyfriends. The longest was a 1.5 years. I date and flirt, but some of it is relationships give me a bit of anxiety and I am a bit of introvert. Some of it is the guys have just not been a guy that I want to adjust for and some of it is I find being with someone in general to be stressful.

I'm gonna give you the truth.....she's a weirdo, move on.

I have a friend like this. She just has a lot of insecurity and anxiety that makes it impossible for her to loosen up and the longer she's gone without finding that relationship the larger the mountain of anxiety about it in her mind grows.

I hope for her one day she finds it but I don't know what kind of guy it would take to crack it.

I will say that its actually totally reasonable a person like this would marry their first serious relationship though. That wouldn't turn me away. I was my DH's first real serious relationship (he was a virgin at 28!). I don't think he ever even considered breaking up with me, and def not to go sow his wild oats. If you're the type of person who managed to get that far without a solid relationship you're not the person with a bug for sleeping around.