Anonymous
Post 07/13/2019 13:26     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
Not cool of her.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2019 13:06     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
I prefer for partners to be a unified front in public because it doesn’t feel really good to bicker in front of others. But, a little well meaning teasing or an inside joke is fine.

I was married to a guy who hated it when I contradicted him with anything. Once we were hanging out with friends on a weekend ski trip, and I said something that was supposed to be a light hearted teasing comment. He stood up and dumped a glass of water on me. I tried to laugh it off, but no one was surprised when I filed for divorce a few years later.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 15:50     Subject: Re:Is this a never event in a marriage?
Nope would never call my DH out publicly but definitely privately. He wouldn't do it to me. We don't spin the truth but when we ever have to white lie in a situation, we always plan it...like dodging out early at an obligatory event because we have an early flight, ferry whatever.

If DH said he spoke another language, I might whisper in his ear in some ridiculous accent.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 15:43     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Making disparaging/embarrassing/humiliating remarks about your spouse in public is the #1 predictor of divorce. I think the research is the Gottman Institute (not sure but this is a pretty well-known correlation)


That's a symptom of contempt, and contempt is marriage poison.


Yes but it isn’t contempt to correct the record. If he can’t speak X at all, it is not contempt to speak up with the truth.


It is absolutely contempt to "correct the record" in front of other people, especially about something relatively trivial.

If she didn't hold him in contempt she would have saved her "truthful correction" for the ride home.


Uh, what? You think she should have gently informed him later that he doesn't speak the language? [YES - if she cares enough about this issue, which is itself puzzling.] Are you under the impression that the DH in this scenario somehow is unaware he can't speak the language [No, but that's irrelevant. She still unnecessarily showed contempt for him in public. A loving spouse does not do that.], and after she lets him know in private he'll what -- do better next time? [Also irrelevant. She's not his mommy or his teacher. It is not her job to correct him in public. In fact that's pretty much the opposite of her job. Spouses are supposed to support each other in public.]

This guy seems weird, and in the story it seems like the wife has had enough. [If she has reached the point where she feels compelled to treat him contemptuously in public then that marriage is doomed.] It also seems like OP thinks women who don't work are essentially worthless and the wife was not performing her duties as arm candy correctly. [It doesn't matter if the wife works or not. It is not her duty to correct her husband in public.] I award everyone involved no points, and my god have mercy on your souls.


I guess I could understand your POV if my husband was a compulsive liar or something. He's not, so if he just announced that he spoke Portuguese at a dinner party my reaction would be "no you don't." Not out of contempt but surprise.

Must be strange to be married to someone who lies so much you've convinced yourself it's love to nod along.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 15:20     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Making disparaging/embarrassing/humiliating remarks about your spouse in public is the #1 predictor of divorce. I think the research is the Gottman Institute (not sure but this is a pretty well-known correlation)


That's a symptom of contempt, and contempt is marriage poison.


Yes but it isn’t contempt to correct the record. If he can’t speak X at all, it is not contempt to speak up with the truth.


It is absolutely contempt to "correct the record" in front of other people, especially about something relatively trivial.

If she didn't hold him in contempt she would have saved her "truthful correction" for the ride home.


Uh, what? You think she should have gently informed him later that he doesn't speak the language? [YES - if she cares enough about this issue, which is itself puzzling.] Are you under the impression that the DH in this scenario somehow is unaware he can't speak the language [No, but that's irrelevant. She still unnecessarily showed contempt for him in public. A loving spouse does not do that.], and after she lets him know in private he'll what -- do better next time? [Also irrelevant. She's not his mommy or his teacher. It is not her job to correct him in public. In fact that's pretty much the opposite of her job. Spouses are supposed to support each other in public.]

This guy seems weird, and in the story it seems like the wife has had enough. [If she has reached the point where she feels compelled to treat him contemptuously in public then that marriage is doomed.] It also seems like OP thinks women who don't work are essentially worthless and the wife was not performing her duties as arm candy correctly. [It doesn't matter if the wife works or not. It is not her duty to correct her husband in public.] I award everyone involved no points, and my god have mercy on your souls.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 15:15     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
My DH sometimes tells people he speaks a little Russian. The truth is he cannot hold a conversation. I just ignore it.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 14:53     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
Marital couples should be a unified front. Shaming is bad. It’s worse to shame your spouse - you’re shaming you too. You married them. most public correction is too domineering for my tastes. The exception is if you’re publicly correcting something obscene or dangerous.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 11:46     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
Why are we assuming the wife is correct? Maybe he does speak the language well but she doesn't agree because she speaks it even better than he does? Or he speaks one dialect and she speaks a different one or more than one? Whatever, she's a jerk for sure. Even if he lies repeatedly, there is no need for her to call him out on something so unimportant in front of people.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 11:41     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
I think it is poor form to make your spouse look bad in front of their work colleagues.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 11:28     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
The only time I would do something like that would be if it had been a problem repeatedly in the past. For example, if my husband had a habit of claiming ability to do things he was not actually able to do regularly, particularly things that I am able to do, it would be frustrating. If I had tried discussing it in private with him and he continued, I'd probably say something like that as well.

But it would DEFINITELY indicate that the incident was an issue in our marriage.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 11:19     Subject: Re:Is this a never event in a marriage?
Anonymous wrote:My ex-wife did that sort of thing far too often. It's why alimony should be banned--many women don't help their husband's careers, they hurt them.


I'm interested to know how lying about speaking a language would help someone's career. I was at a networking even as a law student (hosted by a firm interviewing on campus later) and witnessed a woman claim to speak Mandarin and then get caught like a deer in headlights when the lawyer she was talking to said something to her in the language. She looked like an absolute jackass and it did not help her. If the husband in this story claimed to speak some language, even if it is obscure, he's setting himself up for a huge fall when they bring in a client and say, "what a coincidence, Jim speaks Ukrainian too!" and he can only say hello/goodbye/I love you.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 11:16     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
Anonymous wrote:This is double standard. What would you say if a wife mentions that she has lost a few pounds and the husband corrected her by saying "I don't think so, honey."

Should she laugh it off? Is he correct by expose her as a liar?



Why'd you have to make the statement objectively rude to flip the script? Just actually flip it. If the wife proudly announced she speaks Tagalog and her Filipino husband said "I'm sorry hon, you don't even have a basic command of that language," I'd feel the same as I do here: it was a weird thing to lie about and not contemptuous to state the truth.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 11:15     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Making disparaging/embarrassing/humiliating remarks about your spouse in public is the #1 predictor of divorce. I think the research is the Gottman Institute (not sure but this is a pretty well-known correlation)


That's a symptom of contempt, and contempt is marriage poison.


Yes but it isn’t contempt to correct the record. If he can’t speak X at all, it is not contempt to speak up with the truth.


It is absolutely contempt to "correct the record" in front of other people, especially about something relatively trivial.

If she didn't hold him in contempt she would have saved her "truthful correction" for the ride home.


Uh, what? You think she should have gently informed him later that he doesn't speak the language? Are you under the impression that the DH in this scenario somehow is unaware he can't speak the language, and after she lets him know in private he'll what -- do better next time?

This guy seems weird, and in the story it seems like the wife has had enough. It also seems like OP thinks women who don't work are essentially worthless and the wife was not performing her duties as arm candy correctly. I award everyone involved no points, and my god have mercy on your souls.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 11:14     Subject: Re:Is this a never event in a marriage?
Yeah that's rude AF.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2019 11:12     Subject: Is this a never event in a marriage?
This is double standard. What would you say if a wife mentions that she has lost a few pounds and the husband corrected her by saying "I don't think so, honey."

Should she laugh it off? Is he correct by expose her as a liar?