Anonymous wrote:My 4 yr old came home from preschool and told me a doctor placed her classmate in his mom’s tummy. I thought it was adorable but not sure the mom’s plan was for me to know...

I'm stealing that since this is also how my child was conceived. But at 1? That's not a conversation anyone needs to have.

My 4 yr old came home from preschool and told me a doctor placed her classmate in his mom’s tummy. I thought it was adorable but not sure the mom’s plan was for me to know...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do people not know if a baby is adopted? One minute they have no kid and the next minute kid.

That is exactly how childbirth in general works.

You forgot about that pesky pregnancy thing in between...

NP here. We did IVF (own eggs & sperm--no donors), and we're not telling my parents because of their religious beliefs. They are evangelicals. We are not. If you don't have to deal with evangelical relatives I envy you.

My parents are wonderful grandparents, and I don't want any more drama (current political environment is enough). And I don't think IVF is something my kid needs to know about until she is a teenager and we can have deeper discussions about reproduction.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you need to tell your child how they were conceived. I have no intention of telling DS that he was conceived at Granny's house one Christmas Eve.

+1000

And kids, especially a 1 yr old (Really, OP, you're going to tell your 1 yr old about IVF?), have no understanding of TTC struggles, the emotional roller coaster, the (micro)biology/science behind it, and the like. It is all surreal and abstract to them. Hec, even a lot of adults/parents don't fully get it.

Why not just keep it a "thing" between you and DH? Make it part of your bond, your history together, etc.

Anonymous wrote:There is no need to tell the child until the child is 35 years old. At that point, your ILs may not be alive.

That is a really specific number and I'm curious where it came from.

I think that it's important to share medical history with your children, but a 1yo will have no context or ability to understand this information.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you need to tell your child how they were conceived. I have no intention of telling DS that he was conceived at Granny's house one Christmas Eve.

+1 Me either.
Why do you need to tell a one year-old?

I don't understand why you need to tell your child how they were conceived. I have no intention of telling DS that he was conceived at Granny's house one Christmas Eve.

Anonymous wrote:If you used donor eggs or sperm that is one thing. In that situation it becomes part of the child’s self-story that they have a right to know from an early age so that it never feels like it was kept from them.

If you just used IVF I think that is really just your story. I would tell the kid when they are a teen or young adult so they can be realistic about fertility choices, but they will be ready to be discreet by then.

This. And if you did use donor egg/sperm I would tell the grandparents, too. If that makes them love you or your precious little one any less than to heck with them. Most likely, they would do better with that information than you think, even if they might be initially surprised by it.

But if this is simply a matter of how the conception took place....I'd save that conversation for another 20 years or so.

There is no need to tell the child until the child is 35 years old. At that point, your ILs may not be alive.

Just IVF or donor eggs?

I have 2 IVF babies and I wouldn't tell them. I might mention later on when they're considering having children not to wait. I was a clomid baby in the 80s (only child) and my kids were IVF babies. My kids should know they don't come from fertile stock.

If you used donor eggs or sperm that is one thing. In that situation it becomes part of the child’s self-story that they have a right to know from an early age so that it never feels like it was kept from them.

If you just used IVF I think that is really just your story. I would tell the kid when they are a teen or young adult so they can be realistic about fertility choices, but they will be ready to be discreet by then.

A one year-old is asking about IVF???

I recently read It’s not the Stork with my 5 year old. It addresses IVF as one way babies get into a mommy’s stomach. You could use a resource like that to give some age appropriate information when the time comes and just not make a big deal about it. I told my dd she should only talk with us about information from the book since her friends should hear about it from their parents when they are ready. I’d think with a similar approach, chances are your child would not discuss it with others.

Eventually your child will ask or hear about where babies come from. In your answer, you give the very basic answer about all the many ways families are formed. Note: experts say to hear the question from the child's point of view and not give a detailed medical dump to a 5 year old who may not be asking what you think they are asking.

If the child asks for more information about how your family was formed, you answer in a matter of fact, basic and honest way, if you are prepared for the likelihood that at this point you will either have to 1) share the info with the grandparents, who will no doubt hear about it from the child (as will all the kids in school, lol); or 2) teach the child about privacy and trust them to keep information from the grandparents. You do not want your child to be the one to take the first wave of reaction from the grandparents, so you would want to be darn sure the kid can keep private family information private. There are lots of private things you will not tell your child (like your salary, etc.) because you know darn well kids do not understand other people's privacy.