Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. I'd try to develop a little empathy. "How would you feel if we didn't put in any effort in your birthday?"

I’d go a little further and say, “Seems like celebrating birthdays isn’t important to you two. That’s fine, you don’t need to-yours included.”

You are dealing with kids here. Not adults. Fairly young kids, too. This isn’t appropriate.
I would rather not have my kids give me anything that have them threatened by my spouse to come up with a birthday card/gift.

I’m sorry. It sounds like they pushed your buttons a bit. Could it be that they sense how important it is to you and are resisting?

I think it’s gotta come from them, but maybe put them in the mood and ask them what they want for their birthday. Then switch and have them think of dad.

Anonymous wrote:This is your own being high strung and complicating things. How old are your kids? Did your DH ever do the same for you? I mean, I hate to say it as a woman, but most of our troubles are of our own creation. Why is everything a big deal? Pick a card and give it to your dh, why this much ado about nothing?
This reads to me like, it could have been a good day, but I decided to make it a misery, for kids, for me, for everyone. Why? When you went to the grocery store, you couldn't just pick a card?!

PO, you are missing OP’s point here!

That said— and OP, this is just a hunch— how much screen time do your kids get? Wondering if their anxiousness to get out of the store and putting off making the poster (and half assing that) was d/t them wanting to get back to devices or being hard to tear away from them. That or any possible signs of ADHD? I know I’ll be accused of “pathologizing” but I have ADHD myself and don’t think of it as a dread disease... but it can manifest in this sort of way for some kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d have a conversation with them about how it might feel if you put the equivalent amount of thought into their birthdays. You don’t have to make threats, they just need the reminder that other people have feelings too.

+1 a gentle reminder that parents have feelings too is appropriate.
Refusing to celebrate their birthdays is over the top. I’m surprised how many people are suggesting it and highly doubt they would actually follow thru. We celebrate ours kids birthdays because we love them, not because it’s some reciprocal deal.

Agree. And the number of people who think you teach empathy through punishment (taking away devices etc.) is disheartening.

I think a couple of PPs are right in that you can’t let them have all the time in the world and choose when to do this. Preferably you do give them input so you can get their buy in, but ultimately, you do get to say, “As we agreed, we are sitting down and doing this now.”

Anonymous wrote:I’d have a conversation with them about how it might feel if you put the equivalent amount of thought into their birthdays. You don’t have to make threats, they just need the reminder that other people have feelings too.

+1 a gentle reminder that parents have feelings too is appropriate.
Refusing to celebrate their birthdays is over the top. I’m surprised how many people are suggesting it and highly doubt they would actually follow thru. We celebrate ours kids birthdays because we love them, not because it’s some reciprocal deal.

I would just tell them you are disappointed that they think birthdays are such a non-event, tell them next time Dad or Mom has a birthday the two of you will just celebrate with each other and get a babysitter for them. Then tell them you will be sure to remember this important info when their birthdays roll around because you wouldn't want to over celebrate something that means so little to them. Then follow through.

My kids didn’t start thinking of me (independently) on my birthday until they were around 15/16. They are pretty self absorbed until then. That’s children and teens for you.

I’d have a conversation with them about how it might feel if you put the equivalent amount of thought into their birthdays. You don’t have to make threats, they just need the reminder that other people have feelings too.

If they aren't into cards, how about balloons, nice cake and decorations instead,

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. I'd try to develop a little empathy. "How would you feel if we didn't put in any effort in your birthday?"

I’d go a little further and say, “Seems like celebrating birthdays isn’t important to you two. That’s fine, you don’t need to-yours included.”

Anonymous wrote:
This seems so minor, unless you set great store by gestures that ultimately have little meaning. More importantly, are your children generally kind and empathetic, particularly when they notice someone in distress? That's what really matters. I'd rather have family members who are caring most days than relatives who only go through the motions on my birthday.

I've never forced the kids to make cards or think of gifts for family. My daughter makes the most wonderful cards, my son scrambles to add his name to hers at the last minute. They don't buy us gifts. Yet my 11 year old son called 911 when he came home from school one day and found me collapsed on the floor, and followed instructions from the operator to count my pulse and check vital signs. He also got his little sister and himself to the neighbor's, *and did his homework there*, when I was ambulanced to the hospital. That's a tad bit more important.

Wow. That's fantastic of your son.

Kids are selfish. You have to teach them. It sounds like you gave the kids too much choice. There's a point at which you say ok, you guys aren't coming up with anything yourselves which is disappointing since I know you love your dad. But that's ok, here's what we're going to do. And then you make them do it. You don't wait until they're ready, you do it when you're ready. And you review the cards, and the work and make them pick an appropriate card. And you ignore, or correct, the complaining and the whining. Because you're teaching them what to do and how to do it.

And when they complain you point out they could have come up with something that they and their dad would have enjoyed, but they declined so they're stuck doing what you thought of. Perhaps next year, or for the next birthday, they'll do better.

It sucks. You know they're capable of better and it's frustrating to have to walk them through it like a toddler. But they're still learning, and you have to keep walking them through it until they get it.

They're also old enough for you to be blunt with them and tell them they're being selfish and inconsiderate, and how would they feel if they got a "to my nephew" and a piece of paper with "happy birthday or whatever" scribbled on it for their birthday.

And cut yourself some slack. You thought they could handle this - you were thinking highly of them. You were wrong. So what? As parents we regularly think our kids are going to handle something, only to have them fail, or not be able to handle something, only to have them knock it out of the park. It happens. You gave them an opportunity to be thoughtful and responsible and they didn't take the opportunity.

I am sure that everyone loves a sentimental card from their children, but that's a little hard to come up with on the spur of the moment. If this is something that's important to you, then you need to put sentimental card writing into your family routine. Where every Sunday evening you all spend 1/2 hour writing a little note to a family member or something. Then when it's time to write one for Dad, they know what to do, and it isn't so intimidating.

If it isn't something that is important to you, and you aren't willing to invest the time in that, then think of the things that you ARE already investing the time in, and what you/your husband really do with your children. You said that he takes them places. Maybe they could get him tickets to something. They could do chores around the house to pay for a portion of the tickets or pay for his food at the event. Does he play video games with them? They could get him a new game they think is cool. Does he play sports with them? Maybe getting him a new baseball glove or the like. Does he watch TV with them? Maybe a book about one of their favorite shows.

There are lots of ways to be sentimental.

OP, I would also find this frustrating but your thread title about "feeling like a failure" suggests to me that you had too much riding on this to come out perfectly the way you wanted it to. You're not a failure. Things just didn't go how you planned.

Next time figure out a way to do this that will suit your kids' inclinations and not yours. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is but start by not making this such a huge deal when it doesn't come out perfectly. Sorry, though, it sounds like it was difficult. Hope it gets better.