DBT therapy works wonders.

^ OH, one other thing, I did change schools about halfway through my freshman year of HS. I went to a very "pressure cooker" HS that I hated and had begged my parents to move me. A psychiatrist finally decided it couldn't hurt to try. It was an adjustment but probably one of the biggest turning points. If your daughter doesn't want to change, that's okay, but please take her seriously if she asks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS-she also finished college, and is married to a very responsible man with great family values.

This sounds like one of my good high school friends- she had severe anxiety and had many issues in high school. She did better in college and ended up having a great career, happy marriage, kids and is very content with life.
You may not hear many success stories here because of the audience- most of the readers of the teen forum have teens today, many people look at this topic because they are dealing with issues. The one's who aren't having issues with their kids any longer probably don't visit this site often as they've moved on. I think maturity helps a tremendous amount. Teen years have become crazy tough because social media distorts so much of what life should be like.

NP. I was EXACTLY like your daughter in middle and early high school. Every single thing you wrote, I did (different psych ward, though). I cycled on and off various psych meds, saw a bunch of doctors and therapists, and gave my parents hell from the time I was 13 until I was 16. I really don't think my mom thought I would make it. Sometimes I wasn't sure, either, and I didn't really care. I don't want to say I "snapped out of it" because I definitely still have depression, which is thankfully well-controlled with meds, and I suspect I had a pretty serious case of ADD all along, too. I still see a psychiatrist to check in and manage medication, and I've done counseling over the years especially when dealing with tough things in life like parental illness or work-related stress. However, things really hit a turning point for me once I was close to 17. I wish I could say there was some magic thing that happened, but there wasn't. I just started feeling...better. It was a gradual process. I guess I just got out of my own head. I became more social, started caring about other people, including the guy I'd been dating, who I eventually married after college. I went to college, got married, have a great family with kids, lots of friends, and a "for fun" job I enjoy. I'm in my early 40s. Most days, I feel great. I have told my story to plenty of parents of teens who are incredulous and usually don't believe me at first.

There are two things you wrote that I would mention: It's vitally important that your daughter is vigilant about the Pill, and if there is any doubt in your mind about this, get her on long-acting birth control. Seriously. That was not an option in my day, and my mom was absolutely insistent that I take the Pill every day (I was 14 when I started having sex). I didn't want a baby either so this was one of the few issues that wasn't a fight, but I knew a lot of girls who had the story end differently. Also, you sound like you are communicating with your daughter every day, as best you can, and that is huge. My parents never, ever stopped trying to engage me or tell me they believed in me, and I really think that's a big part of why I came out alright. I wish you and your family the very best!

OP, I am so sorry. I have a 16 year old DD too, who had a near-fatal suicide attempt last year, was admitted to an adolescent psychiatric inpatient facility, and then spent almost the entire year either holed up in her room, or screaming and cursing at me. Honestly it was like she was possessed. For almost a year I lived (still live) in fear that my response to her outbursts or moods would be the wrong response - the one that sent her over the edge and led to another suicide attempt. I never knew if or when to treat her like a normal teenager, and impose consequences for her behavior, or let it go because I was afraid of what she might do if I upset her. It was a horrible, terrifying, exhausting, traumatic time. Actually I think the entire family has PTSD. Like you, I don't have time to take care of myself because I spend every second of every day worrying about my daughter, taking her to appointments, running interference at school, worrying about failing grades, putting out emotional fires. I know I need to go, because the guilt and the exhaustion from being vigilant ALL THE TIME is not healthy. But that will come later, when we are a little further out of the woods. I will say that we started medication a few months ago and it has been near miraculous. She's not "cured", not by a long shot, but the meds have stabilized her moods enough that she can focus more effectively on her behaviors and on developing tools to help her cope with whatever life throws at her. It was like turning down the volume on her crazy loud emotions, and that was just the break she needed. I know you said your DD is on medication already. Hopefully the meds will help calm the noise in her head enough that she can think more clearly about what she needs to do to recover. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I do know how horrible this must be for you and your family, but you sound like a great mom.

OP here. My dd is in a nurturing private school. Afraid to switch plus she’s very noncommittal on whether she wants to.

I'm on of the PPs who changed schools. It is making such a huge difference in our DD.

When DD was 12, it did help us that she was diagnosed with ADHD, Depression and Anxiety. That was a enough baseline for us to figure out medications, school supports, a change in our parenting approach. Starting at about age 14-15, we have seen patterns resembling BPD as well. We had talked to the therapist about it who said that patients don't usually get diagnosed until their early 20s.

Does it matter what the diagnosis is at this point? Our therapist said it does not matter if she gets an official BPD diagnosis. There is no medication for BPD. It's a pattern of behavior that has can be managed. It's called a "disorder" because it is different from the norm. A lot of what they do in therapy for BPD such as validation techniques, CBT, DBT can apply to everyone, even those without an mental illness.

When we learned about DD's self-harm and suicidal ideation, we freaked out. Called our doctor. Doctor said to call 911 if we thought we needed to. We hesitated. I told DH about a post that I saw on DCUM about how we may "lose control" of her treatment if we call 911 and then they send her to a psychiatric ward. That particular post mentioned how sometimes parents will send their kid to Dominion thinking that they are sending their car to the shop for an overhaul. Kid should come out of treatment bright, shiny and new. The situation seemed really urgent at the time but we decided to take our time to understand what was going on. I have to say that was a decision we made for ourselves only and may not apply to other families, but even now, we think it was the right decision.

DBT was such a huge help. We went through a 6-month weekly therapy program that had parent sessions that ran concurrently, but separate from our kid's sessions. In addition, our kid was going through weekly individual CBT. We reinforced what we learned from these sessions at home and consciously worked on our relationship with her every single day.

I really like this article from Psychology Today that said:
For most patients, DSM diagnostic categories are a poor and extraordinarily limiting way of understanding emotional suffering First, most patients don't come to us packaged in clear-cut diagnostic categories. Second, DSM assumes it is useful to view emotional suffering as a “disease,” like influenza or diabetes or ringworm. It fosters the fiction that you can treat emotional pain as an encapsulated illness that is separable from the person experiencing the pain. But most of the problems that bring people to treatment are woven into the fabric of their lives. It is less a question of what the patient “has” than who they are—their way of being in the world.

What made such a huge difference for us was changing schools. Public school was such a toxic environment for her and she was really suffering. Once we got her out of that environment to a much nurturing place, she was able to step back, feel safe, and learn about herself. Just recently, our DD who is now 17 said that she finally wants to better herself and stop the self-harm. THIS is how we wanted things to go- for her to make that decision on her own, through her own thinking, and not because she was pressed into making it while she was at Dominion. We have scaled back her therapy sessions. She is now like a regular teen. I'm sure we aren't "out of the woods" but we are in a much, much better place and I can feel hopeful. My next wish is that she gains some strong coping skills and stays away from alcohol and drugs.

Here are a couple of books that helped me:
-Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
-100 Questions & Answers About Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in Women and Girls

Good luck OP, it's a journey.

Anonymous wrote:PS-she also finished college, and is married to a very responsible man with great family values.

This sounds like one of my good high school friends- she had severe anxiety and had many issues in high school. She did better in college and ended up having a great career, happy marriage, kids and is very content with life.
You may not hear many success stories here because of the audience- most of the readers of the teen forum have teens today, many people look at this topic because they are dealing with issues. The one's who aren't having issues with their kids any longer probably don't visit this site often as they've moved on. I think maturity helps a tremendous amount. Teen years have become crazy tough because social media distorts so much of what life should be like.

Dear OP,

I don't have answers; in fact, my 13 year old is younger than your DD, and she's diagnosed Bipolar with severe generalized anxiety as well as ADHD. In recent years, DD has self-harmed and gone through periods of suicidal ideation. She has not yet been hospitalized, although her psychiatrist has encouraged me to put her on the waiting list for our local residential program. She's switched schools as a result of her illness, and she has had horrific days -- but far more good days than bad.

Even though I began by saying I don't have answers, I DO have hope. Because we have been on track with some of these issues for so long, I can tell you that we have seen many positive changes. For instance, she's much better at articulating what bothers her and at identifying solutions. She knows that she becomes 'emotionally attached' (her words) to objects and stuffed animals and so she won't go in stores or arcades at malls or amusement parks where she'll encounter these -- nor 'adoption fairs' at local pet stores. She recognizes she can't control spending, so she deliberately doesn't take her debit card with her on some shopping trips and asked me to hold her spending money when we were on vacation. She'll research certain movies and television shows for awareness about scenes with cruelty to animals to avoid watching to avoid triggers. (If it sounds like she's repressing herself from being a 13 year old, I would simply, gently say 'perhaps you've not been around a 13 year old grappling with serious mental illness.') In other words, she's building a tool kit, in addition to modifying her diet, working with her doctor on medicines, and learning more about herself. She also journals and takes those journals to her therapists and we are looking for a good peer group locally. She would *like* to use online support, but I'm terribly uneasy about that and long for the day when we can find a safe safety valve for that....

Back to your own needs for yourself, OP. I hope you will continue to peek in and out of DCUM: it's a great resource, and I hope you can take what's useful and leave the rest. As a sort of spin-off (and perhaps I'll start another thread on this at some point....) What I'd love to see in addition to this thread and DCUM generally would be either an online group or an inperson support group of parents for bipolar or BPD teens....I just feel that we all have so much in common -- I recognize the conditions are very, very different as are the symptoms but the parenting has enough in common that I feel some talking points could be shared. If anyone knows of anything like this.... I'm not in DC, but an online group or a national one?

But for now and back to you and your DD, OP: good luck. You're not alone. I realize it feels that way. I know it sometimes feels desperate. I know you're lonely. I can't promise it's going to be okay or that it will get better, but I can promise you have people here who understand and who will be here for you. Come back when you need us. We care. We know you love your DD and that you're longing for it all to be okay for her. Again, there are people here who will be here, in turn, for you.

Thank you! I do believe there is a path to a better future, and we are actually signing our dd up for a teen DBT skills group.

I think I’ll just check on this thread every few days, forever. So even if I don’t reply to let you know I have read the posts, believe me, I’m reading them, and they’ve helped. Thanks, Parenting Village.

Let me tell you about our family. Alcoholic definitely BPD father, messed up upbringing but weirdly me and my siblings ended up ok. A few issues but not BPD. I have two nephews (kids from two different brothers) with BPD dx in Early 20s. Substance abuse was serious. I have a niece that starting in early teens was cutting, goth, severely depressed , etc. flash forward to now all late twenties. One finished a Masters in Engineering age is a leader in the recovery community, one has a great job and seems happy with a serious girlfriend, one bopped around Europe for a few years but is back home working for travel related company and in part time grad school.

Here’s the kicker. My teen is 16 and has BPD dx . I knew we were headed here almost since birth. I have two other children with none of these challenges. I so get where you are coming from. I feel overwhelmed and very sad at times but then I remember there absolutely is hope. It takes time, and therapy (highly recommend you go to a DBT trained therapist even if can’t get teen in, which I get , it’s so hard).

Hang in there , take care of yourself, set boundaries, read as much as you can. A lot of the DBT methods really work with parenting this kind of complicated child. Hugs.

PS-she also finished college, and is married to a very responsible man with great family values.

My niece lives across the country, so I am not familiar with the particulars of her story...BUT I can tell you that she cut herself in high school (and still bears the scars, literally).

Fast forward to today: she is a happily married adult, gainfully employed, and seemingly well adjusted. I am just sending this note so you know, there is a path to the other side. x

No 16 year old can be diagnosed with Borderline. The adolescent brain is still forming. I've had this conversation with several times with psychiatrists about my own child, who is in a hospitalization program now.

Meds have helped, although the doctors think it's anxiety and depression (since they refuse to diagnose Borderline in an adolescent).

So, consider that...

That’s not true. There are clinicians who won’t give that diagnosis to a teen. But it is an accepted practice in the field of psychiatry to diagnose teens with BPD.

Thank you. - OP

I am sorry for what you and your dd and your family are going through now, and I wish you well and hope it gets better.