OP, I'm sorry, that sounds untenable. If I were out of work I'd make damn sure all the laundry, cleaning, shopping, vacuuming, dog and kid appointments were HANDLED with no help from spouse needed. I mean, damn, it isn't that hard unless the children are little (then free passes all around, because multiple pre-school kids can be difficult. Although each child is different, and each adult differently able to handle it).

You've got my sympathy. Do you love/like this person any longer? His disregard for you is obvious.

Sell your house, move family into a 3 bedroom apartment rental until you get this figured out. But work on leaving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There area a lot of families with one parent who doesn't work.

Replies on this thread are pretty different from when it is a husband wanting SAHM to work and she doesn't want to.

+100. I find these responses and OP disgusting.

I think you missed the part where OP’s DH refuses to take on domestics tasks and carries on as if he is working outside the home all day.

YES!
Either you’re working in the home taking in the bulk of house maintenance and child rearing OR you’re working outside the home bringing in a paycheck. Opting out of both is not an option here. OP’s spouse seems to feel he is entitled to sit around and do nothing in the home AND outside the home.

OP, I feel for you. I think that it is completely reasonable to have a conversation about how family life and responsibilities will be structured. Thus far, I could see your husband framing this as a temporary setback for him, but after THREE YEARS, it is not temporary and if he is not actively and aggressively seeking work, he needs to be doing something to contribute to the household - something that makes your life easier and lightens your load, something that you could otherwise pay someone else to do.

I am *not* saying that he should be doing all the domestic labor while you sit on a throne eating bonbons when you are at home, but he should be doing the vast majority of the housework, including cleaning and meal prep if not the actual cooking (I say this as a full time working mom who enjoys cooking and so does all the cooking despite my husband getting home a lot earlier than I do). If he is unwilling to do that, he needs to have a proposal for what he WILL do, because expecting you to earn all the money while also doing all the housework and childcare is not fair to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There area a lot of families with one parent who doesn't work.

Replies on this thread are pretty different from when it is a husband wanting SAHM to work and she doesn't want to.

+100. I find these responses and OP disgusting.

I think you missed the part where OP’s DH refuses to take on domestics tasks and carries on as if he is working outside the home all day.

Anonymous wrote:There area a lot of families with one parent who doesn't work.

Replies on this thread are pretty different from when it is a husband wanting SAHM to work and she doesn't want to.

+100. I find these responses and OP disgusting.

Anonymous wrote:There area a lot of families with one parent who doesn't work.

Replies on this thread are pretty different from when it is a husband wanting SAHM to work and she doesn't want to.

I would have the same response for a case where the couple hadn’t agreed on SAH and the wife decided unilaterally. My best friend did that twenty years ago and I still think it was a rotten thing to do.

Anonymous wrote:There area a lot of families with one parent who doesn't work.

Replies on this thread are pretty different from when it is a husband wanting SAHM to work and she doesn't want to.

In those cases, the sahm does the bulk of the childcare/household work. In addition to not working, OP's husband leaves messes for her to clean when she gets home from work. He doesn't feel that he should do more of the domestic stuff since he's not working. So he doesn't work outside of the home or inside of the home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, you need to go see a therapist and a lawyer for yourself. Second your husband is mentally ill. You csnnot fix him, and it will not get better. I’m sure diagnosis, medication, and therapy are out of the question for him. You need to get out and get your kids out of the situation. It’s not going to get better. All that’s going to happen is that you and your children are going to be dragged down with this. You and your kids deserve better, and you are the one that has the ability to make this happen.

You have no idea that the man is “mentally ill.” Stop throwing that line around every time you see something you don’t like

I’m not the only one that posted that. Would you rather me have posted he’s a loser get out. I don’t know if he’s a loser either. You’re right I don’t know if he’s mentally ill. I’m only surmising from what she’s saying. That’s all any of us can do. However, this is how my sister lives. My brother-in-law is mentally Ill as was his father.

Being out of a job is understandable for 6 months to a year. After that, a back up plan needs to be put in place where standards for what type of job and what salary he pulls down are dropped in a BIG WAY. Drop the ego and bring in a paycheck.

Give him a deadline to get ANY job. If he hasn't gotten a job by then, you kick him out.

There area a lot of families with one parent who doesn't work.

Replies on this thread are pretty different from when it is a husband wanting SAHM to work and she doesn't want to.

Tell him you will downsize so there’s less stress on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So TELL him.

OP here. I have told him. I always feel awful after we talk about this. Somehow he turns it around on me and I feel crazy for wanting my husband to have a job.

No conversation has ever worked. And he doesn't agree with my opinion that if he's not working he should do an outsized share of housework. He's very messy and leaves cleaning for me until I can't stand it anymore.

I'm so sick of being the only grown-up.

Then work on your own reaction to his ms manipulation. I understand your feelings but you’re presenting yourself as helpless and that’s not the case.

So what does he say regarding getting a job? Have you talked to him about this? Is he applying for, say, at least a few jobs per week?

How old are your kids? School age or is he a SAHD? If school age, perhaps he could pick up a few shifts somewhere just to bring in some pocket money.

He sounds manipulative