Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop criticizing Op! They have their own life in their own town! In-laws just decided to barge in on them! Who wants or needs that? I have a nice relationship with my in-laws, BUT would fall apart if they moved here on my turf. We all need our space and they have no right to move here!,

Anonymous wrote:If possible, try to arrange a standing invitation for Sunday dinner or library time with the kids every other Tuesday or whatever. That may make it easier for them to get the the closeness they want and for you to enforce boundaries in a loving way. “I’m sorry we can’t to x,y or z today, but we’ll see you at brunch next week.”

Anonymous wrote:Grown ass people need permission to live in an area where you live?
Really?
You have a very high opinion of yourself, get over it.
You can control how much you see them and when they come over. You have no control over where they live.

Anonymous wrote:It’s just obtuse to keep repeating that the in-laws can move where they want. Of course they can.

But they are not moving, it seems, because of the nice trees and walkability. They are moving because of OP’s family.

You want to pretend that the in-laws don’t have a vision of increased participation in OP’s family’s lives?

Anonymous wrote:So I understand that I can't stop adults from doing what they want. But I think it's really weird and selfish for my in laws to move into our town from 4 hours away. We have different lifestyles, they don't have any friends in the area and are "moving for us" even though we don't want them to. It will just make life so much more difficult. Unsure if I should risk hurting my marriage to try to stop this move or if I need to just get over it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to be like your bigger issue is with your husband. Just hold the line early about how often you will get together and don’t overshare the details of your life. I’m a PP who is glad my inlaws moved locally. They know about what I tell them about and nothing more. They knew no one when they moved but have since made a ton of friends and keep a busier social calendar than I do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws moved near us. My DH had previously ‘managed’ boundaries simply by being a very long drive away.

That your in-laws announced the move without ever consulting DH and you — as did mine — is evidence that they aren’t attuned to boundaries.

I had to push my DH to get better at managing boundaries directly.

It was rough for a bit, and is still a little bumpy a few years later.

It will be better if your in-laws are rational, reasonably normal people. Mine are not.

You sound deranged. In-laws don’t need to get permission from anyone to move to your town.

Of course they don’t need permission to move somewhere. But people with normal social skills don’t show up a party where they are not invited.

When the parents are moving closer simply to because the adult child is there and they don’t even stop to consider the child’s perspective, there is clearly a problem:
— they fail to see their child as an adult with a separate life
— they have a lot of expectation of fulfillment from being involved with this young family
— they have nothing else to do; they are letting go all their friends and activities solely be near a kid’s family

It’s a set-up for a big clash of expectations and autonomy.

It’s a very different than a family with healthy dynamics wanting to live near each other.

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws moved near us. My DH had previously ‘managed’ boundaries simply by being a very long drive away.

That your in-laws announced the move without ever consulting DH and you — as did mine — is evidence that they aren’t attuned to boundaries.

I had to push my DH to get better at managing boundaries directly.

It was rough for a bit, and is still a little bumpy a few years later.

It will be better if your in-laws are rational, reasonably normal people. Mine are not.