When you go on vacation to touristy places, look around the restaurant or beach, hotel, or tourist site and you will see at least 3 13-17 year olds (peaking at 15). Sitting so that their backs are towards their family, legs and possibly arms crossed looking at their phone with a mad face. This is a common phenomenon.

If your DH is not backing you up on your insistence that said teen eats at the dinner table and/or goes on vacation with the family, then you need to drop the rope. Get to therapy so that DH can work out his issues, the both of you can work through yours. Bring in the teen too. They the three of you can work through a compromise of sorts.

Possible compromises: Teen eats prepared diner at different time, but teen does not bring food to his room. Teen makes his own dinner and cleanup after it. Teen presents an alternative plan for him while you and the rest of the family are on vacation. Is sleep away camp an option (either as a camper or counselor)? DH stays home with teen while you and the other two go have a vacation.

If things are deeper than this, then definitely include teen in the above therapy plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who in the world uses the word Petulant?

I thought the same thing, had to look it Up!

She might be a foreigner. The equivalent word is common in my native country.

Nah, that PP is just not really literate. "petulant" is a perfectly common and good word used in English.

Thank you! The information is useful.

-foreign PP

P.s.: Sorry, OP.

OP, thanks for the description. I don't have good advice for you because I don't think I would be that upset by the behavior you describe except the pushing. I also think you need to be more forceful shutting down the comments about DS' behavior from the other sibling. That deserves some punishment. I wouldn't want to come to dinner either if one of my siblings was going to comment about me getting in trouble constantly and the only response from my parent was trying to change the subject. It sounds very unpleasant and would make me snarky and surly too.

Maybe try introducing more adult topics of conversation -- current events, etc. talking about your day is something boys don't seem to enjoy and probably feels repetitive and boring. It's like pulling teeth getting mine to relay information like that and they are a little younger than yours. They'll have a lively conversation about the tornado that hit nearby, though. Good luck.

It sounds to me like you are just as rigid as you describe your son and husband.

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain more about the terrorizing others and why you are afraid of the teen? I think that would be helpful to give real advice.

For petulance/reluctance to do stuff with a decent attitude, that is part of being a teen in some respect. making people afraid of you, not so much. How exactly does he act when he is told to do something he doesn't want to do, like come to dinner?

Is he your oldest child?

Not oldest. We don't do dinners together, and DH does not make DS come to dinner. DS does not want to eat together, or do anything together. I prepare dinners, they eat when they want - this is what it has come to. DS also says "you never fedd me" and things DS knows is not true - I am at the grocery every day. I feel like DH feeds into it, because he felt this is his (DH) "second chance" to be "emancipated" from his (DH) abusive family - ie: DH is living out his fantasy of how he wanted to act with his family. This is all very messed up, I know. This is what I have been able to cobble together, as DS has gotten worse - for a long time I was puzzled as to why a parent (DH) would refuse to help their struggling child. DH is hurting, and this is his dysfunctional way of dealing with it, given his history of abuse. Now, DS is hurting because a grown adult won't stand up and draw the line. DS has pushed me before, and my counselor wants to call someone in. I am terrified of DS being separated from the family.

DS is a good kid, and a good student, but at home is another story. I feel like I am being stonewalled by DH, and DS can not get help with only one parent on board. There are days I just want to leave and never come back. The other kids constantly ask to do things as a family, yet they won't go unless DS comes with us, which will not happen. I fantasize about taking them with me, and living in peace somewhere where we can do simple things like at dinner together or take a simple weekend vacation without major turmoil. That, and I think one of the kids has OCD (or something, not sure what) because their favorite topic is how DS is going to stay in bed all day and talk back and misbehave - which only makes it worse (it is repeated several times per day, and I feel like I am poking needles in my eyes now). I do ask nicely if we could talk about something else, and I try to change the subject to how they enjoyed (their favorite things to do) or did well at (their favorite things to do). It is exhausting, because I feel like I am running interference constantly. Before I know it, the other kids, are piling on me about why DS is the way he is, why we have to do (things I like - which I know they normally are not averse to), etc. It is as if the negativity is feeding off itself, because the other kids are not inclined to be this way until DS starts in.

I love my kids. I want more for them. I want DH to step up, and that is clear it won't happen without major changes. I think in some weird way that DH enjoys the turmoil, because that is what he grew up with - now, DH is happy to have someone else in the position of getting yelled at constantly (me), instead of him. Again, messed up, I know. I don't know where to start. I need a professional to help, and I need tools to deal with this perpetual issue.

Thank you for listening. I will try to have this moved to SN. I am very appreciative of the helpful and serious responses.

Also, if there are any suggestions for therapists in the Vienna/Falls Church/Tysons area, I would be grateful.

You're AFRAID of your 13 yo and your husband is enabling this dynamic? jfc OP, get out in front of this yesterday or you're going to have a 16 yo physically intimidating you (and his sibs) in your kitchen. Also your problem isn't your son; he's the symptom. Time for an ultimatum: 6 mos of marital counseling to get your H and you on the same page or consider separating. This whole thing will pull your family down if left unchecked. I apologize for catastrophizing but this scenario is alarming. Best of luck.