Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not PC to say it, but be around for your kids more often.

If you're not around them all that much and schedule every minute of their time away from you at camp or whatever, then you cannot expect to instill "family life" and familial expectations (chores, participation, conversation, etc.) on a vacation. It just doesn't work that way. You need to a presence in their lives.

Go ahead, flame away. It's the cold, hard truth.

+1

We have a very peaceful existence, because we are home together a lot.

This does not work for everyone though. I'm an introvert. I came home from work Friday and didn't leave my house until Monday morning and was perfectly happy. My DD is an extrovert and would go stir crazy if she didn't get out of the house every day. Even when she's sick she'll ask to go for a short walk or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not PC to say it, but be around for your kids more often.

If you're not around them all that much and schedule every minute of their time away from you at camp or whatever, then you cannot expect to instill "family life" and familial expectations (chores, participation, conversation, etc.) on a vacation. It just doesn't work that way. You need to a presence in their lives.

Go ahead, flame away. It's the cold, hard truth.

+1

We have a very peaceful existence, because we are home together a lot.

+1

NP. It is completely this. I wasn't going to bother to answer this thread because I knew the response would just get flamed, but I'm glad someone else took the time to do so.

These households where everyone is pedal to the metal all the time are just disasters.

+1 - focus on connection, not control. And yes there might still be hard phases but if you’re focused on that it will be better. That being said of course there are just some kids that are more difficult so always best to have empathy and understanding that kids are different when seeing these things, doesn’t mean they aren’t great parents but I think OP seems to get that. Just looking for tips.

This thread is exactly why I try to spend as little time with other families as possible.
The judging is just... I can’t even.

^^sorry, forgot to say, mine are almost 17 and almost 15

Anonymous wrote:Start chores early. Preschool is a good age to start. Have consistent expectations: Larla unloads the dishwasher (or part of it) every day, Larlo sets or clears the table every meal (or almost every meal). Etc. When it's routine, there's less fighting and yelling.

+1 this is the secret. Have them do it when they are in that "I want to help" phase (might even be the toddler phase). I didn't do this with mine because they were so incredibly slow and bad at it, and I was overworked--so I wanted to get things done quickly/efficiently. I thought, "I'll wait until they have better motor control, etc then teach them." This was such a stupid mistake. You have to catch them when they are developmentally wanting to help. Then they learn that they get pleasure (dopamine hits) from helping the group.

When they are fully capable physically--like when they are tweens or teens--is not the time to do this. Mentally (developmentally) they are in rebellion mode, and the last thing they will want to do is learn some new chore.

Every thing I did with them when little...still works. For instance, they want broccolini and yams every day. It's their comfort food (Crazy, I know!) No electronics go upstairs, ever. All homework is done at the family table. It's their habits that you are instilling now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not PC to say it, but be around for your kids more often.

If you're not around them all that much and schedule every minute of their time away from you at camp or whatever, then you cannot expect to instill "family life" and familial expectations (chores, participation, conversation, etc.) on a vacation. It just doesn't work that way. You need to a presence in their lives.

Go ahead, flame away. It's the cold, hard truth.

+1

We have a very peaceful existence, because we are home together a lot.

+1

NP. It is completely this. I wasn't going to bother to answer this thread because I knew the response would just get flamed, but I'm glad someone else took the time to do so.

These households where everyone is pedal to the metal all the time are just disasters.

Anonymous wrote:It's not PC to say it, but be around for your kids more often.

If you're not around them all that much and schedule every minute of their time away from you at camp or whatever, then you cannot expect to instill "family life" and familial expectations (chores, participation, conversation, etc.) on a vacation. It just doesn't work that way. You need to a presence in their lives.

Go ahead, flame away. It's the cold, hard truth.

+1

We have a very peaceful existence, because we are home together a lot.

Consequences and consistency. Yelling and idle threats will get you nowhere. The scene you described may be actual normal teenage living (I only have elementary kids). So my next advice is have realistic expectations - don't expect perfection all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sweet, sweet OP. I was a perfect parent of teens when my kids were preschoolers, too.

Yes. It's so easy to parent other people's children.

Yes!!

And parent toddlers when you have an infant.

Well, and parent an infant when you have older kids. Parent of an infant here, and I'm about ready to punch the next person who tells me -- unsolicited -- what I really should be doing with my kid.

It's not PC to say it, but be around for your kids more often.

If you're not around them all that much and schedule every minute of their time away from you at camp or whatever, then you cannot expect to instill "family life" and familial expectations (chores, participation, conversation, etc.) on a vacation. It just doesn't work that way. You need to a presence in their lives.

Go ahead, flame away. It's the cold, hard truth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married a military alpha type guy, and when my kids were a little older than yours, I realized that I needed to let my DH parent them the way he thought was right. He is harsher and more demanding than I am, but I think we balance each other out.
Anyway, from toddler bedtimes to helping with groceries to being allowed to use the car, my teenage boys know that if they are disrespectful to me, they will have dad to answer to.

Hello 1950s! Why don’t you discipline your kids when they disrespect you?

I am not as good at it. It’s hard to be both nurturer and disciplinarian. My hats off to single moms.

I also want to say, OP, that I don’t threaten. If my kids didn’t help with the groceries because they were on their phones, I would just take the phones/devices until I felt like giving them back. There would be no cajoling. Same thing with time out or sending them to their rooms when they were smaller. They just had to go. No discussion.

Anonymous wrote:Lead by example. Parents, put down YOUR phones!

Good point. I definitely had to stop checking my phone constantly once the kids were born. And I nag DH about doing the same.

Anonymous wrote:I married a military alpha type guy, and when my kids were a little older than yours, I realized that I needed to let my DH parent them the way he thought was right. He is harsher and more demanding than I am, but I think we balance each other out.
Anyway, from toddler bedtimes to helping with groceries to being allowed to use the car, my teenage boys know that if they are disrespectful to me, they will have dad to answer to.

Hello 1950s! Why don’t you discipline your kids when they disrespect you?

I married a military alpha type guy, and when my kids were a little older than yours, I realized that I needed to let my DH parent them the way he thought was right. He is harsher and more demanding than I am, but I think we balance each other out.
Anyway, from toddler bedtimes to helping with groceries to being allowed to use the car, my teenage boys know that if they are disrespectful to me, they will have dad to answer to.

Lead by example. Parents, put down YOUR phones!