Anonymous wrote:On Wednesday evening my husband came home after drinking with a friend. I was in a pissy mood and made a comment about how I feel we are behind and all our friends are moving on, growing up, buying houses, having babies etc.

Anonymous wrote:On Wednesday evening my husband came home after drinking with a friend. I was in a pissy mood and made a comment about how I feel we are behind and all our friends are moving on, growing up, buying houses, having babies etc.

He grows cold and snaps at me saying he’s not dealing with this again.

I am taken aback by his sudden change of tone and tell him I’d like for him to listen to me.

He refuses and walks out of the room. I follow him in the living room and he tells me to go away. I feel confused and ask why. He says leave me alone. I say no you have to talk to me. He started yelling and screaming at me to leave him alone. I tell him to stop acting that way. I go over and touch him saying I love him and it’s ok and that he needs to calm down. He screams in my face, “ go away!!! Leave me alone!!! I want to bash my head against a wall!”

I start crying and go hide in the bedroom.

The next morning I leave for work. He texts me at noon as if it’s another ordinary day.


It’s Friday now and he still hasn’t apologized.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there are clearly issues in this relationship, I do not think that it is ever okay for one spouse to scream at another after drinking, threaten self-harm, and then pretend nothing happened. THAT is something that abusers do.

It should be possible for one partner to be frustrated with certain things and express that frustration to their spouse without an angry outburst.

That you guys think this is all OP's fault is pretty terrible.

Well she could have yelled at him first. Just because you are a woman does not mean you can not be the abuser.

1) I'm definitely not OP.
2) I was pretty careful in my post to note say "wife" or "husband" or "woman" or "man" so any suggestion that the OP is absolved because she's a woman is ridiculous and not responsive to what I wrote.
3) I agree that OP should have made the decision to not engage with her husband after he responded poorly when she first complained, if only because I personally think that no conversation about serious life matters should occur while either party is intoxicated. However, OP's husband's behavior is also terrible. Threatened to beat his head on the wall? Screamed at her? Then pretended that nothing happened? What an immature person. OP does not sound MORE mature, but that doesn't make her husband's behavior acceptable.

Okay, I just want to comment on point 3.

Have you never been pushed and pushed and pushed to the point that you actually feel like bashing your head into a wall might be the easier solution? From her own post, OP couldn’t let this go, and as you’ve already said, cornering your partner after a night of fun and drinking isn’t the time. He tried SEVERAL times to disengage, even based on OPs story (which tells me it was probably more times). So yeah, I get his response. It’s not the healthiest, but man... if someone is chasing you down REPEATEDLY for an answer that has been resolved, and not appropriate to changing at the time, then Many people may also express such frustration.

As far as “nothing happened”, I’m guessing this is a frequent cycle and dynamic with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there are clearly issues in this relationship, I do not think that it is ever okay for one spouse to scream at another after drinking, threaten self-harm, and then pretend nothing happened. THAT is something that abusers do.

It should be possible for one partner to be frustrated with certain things and express that frustration to their spouse without an angry outburst.

That you guys think this is all OP's fault is pretty terrible.

Well she could have yelled at him first. Just because you are a woman does not mean you can not be the abuser.

1) I'm definitely not OP.
2) I was pretty careful in my post to note say "wife" or "husband" or "woman" or "man" so any suggestion that the OP is absolved because she's a woman is ridiculous and not responsive to what I wrote.
3) I agree that OP should have made the decision to not engage with her husband after he responded poorly when she first complained, if only because I personally think that no conversation about serious life matters should occur while either party is intoxicated. However, OP's husband's behavior is also terrible. Threatened to beat his head on the wall? Screamed at her? Then pretended that nothing happened? What an immature person. OP does not sound MORE mature, but that doesn't make her husband's behavior acceptable.

Okay, I just want to comment on point 3.

Have you never been pushed and pushed and pushed to the point that you actually feel like bashing your head into a wall might be the easier solution? From her own post, OP couldn’t let this go, and as you’ve already said, cornering your partner after a night of fun and drinking isn’t the time. He tried SEVERAL times to disengage, even based on OPs story (which tells me it was probably more times). So yeah, I get his response. It’s not the healthiest, but man... if someone is chasing you down REPEATEDLY for an answer that has been resolved, and not appropriate to changing at the time, then Many people may also express such frustration.

As far as “nothing happened”, I’m guessing this is a frequent cycle and dynamic with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there are clearly issues in this relationship, I do not think that it is ever okay for one spouse to scream at another after drinking, threaten self-harm, and then pretend nothing happened. THAT is something that abusers do.

It should be possible for one partner to be frustrated with certain things and express that frustration to their spouse without an angry outburst.

That you guys think this is all OP's fault is pretty terrible.

Well she could have yelled at him first. Just because you are a woman does not mean you can not be the abuser.

1) I'm definitely not OP.
2) I was pretty careful in my post to note say "wife" or "husband" or "woman" or "man" so any suggestion that the OP is absolved because she's a woman is ridiculous and not responsive to what I wrote.
3) I agree that OP should have made the decision to not engage with her husband after he responded poorly when she first complained, if only because I personally think that no conversation about serious life matters should occur while either party is intoxicated. However, OP's husband's behavior is also terrible. Threatened to beat his head on the wall? Screamed at her? Then pretended that nothing happened? What an immature person. OP does not sound MORE mature, but that doesn't make her husband's behavior acceptable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there are clearly issues in this relationship, I do not think that it is ever okay for one spouse to scream at another after drinking, threaten self-harm, and then pretend nothing happened. THAT is something that abusers do.

It should be possible for one partner to be frustrated with certain things and express that frustration to their spouse without an angry outburst.

That you guys think this is all OP's fault is pretty terrible.

Well she could have yelled at him first. Just because you are a woman does not mean you can not be the abuser.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there are clearly issues in this relationship, I do not think that it is ever okay for one spouse to scream at another after drinking, threaten self-harm, and then pretend nothing happened. THAT is something that abusers do.

It should be possible for one partner to be frustrated with certain things and express that frustration to their spouse without an angry outburst.

That you guys think this is all OP's fault is pretty terrible.

We know her pattern.

+1. This is OP’s M.O. Her husband dares to go have fun without her, and she retaliates by making him feel like shit the moment he walks though the door, then continuing to provoke him unless he reacts, at which he point she cries and paints herself as the victim.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there are clearly issues in this relationship, I do not think that it is ever okay for one spouse to scream at another after drinking, threaten self-harm, and then pretend nothing happened. THAT is something that abusers do.

It should be possible for one partner to be frustrated with certain things and express that frustration to their spouse without an angry outburst.

That you guys think this is all OP's fault is pretty terrible.

Well she could have yelled at him first. Just because you are a woman does not mean you can not be the abuser.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there are clearly issues in this relationship, I do not think that it is ever okay for one spouse to scream at another after drinking, threaten self-harm, and then pretend nothing happened. THAT is something that abusers do.

It should be possible for one partner to be frustrated with certain things and express that frustration to their spouse without an angry outburst.

That you guys think this is all OP's fault is pretty terrible.

We know her pattern.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there are clearly issues in this relationship, I do not think that it is ever okay for one spouse to scream at another after drinking, threaten self-harm, and then pretend nothing happened. THAT is something that abusers do.

It should be possible for one partner to be frustrated with certain things and express that frustration to their spouse without an angry outburst.

That you guys think this is all OP's fault is pretty terrible.

Well she could have yelled at him first. Just because you are a woman does not mean you can not be the abuser.

Anonymous wrote:While there are clearly issues in this relationship, I do not think that it is ever okay for one spouse to scream at another after drinking, threaten self-harm, and then pretend nothing happened. THAT is something that abusers do.

It should be possible for one partner to be frustrated with certain things and express that frustration to their spouse without an angry outburst.

That you guys think this is all OP's fault is pretty terrible.

Anonymous wrote:While there are clearly issues in this relationship, I do not think that it is ever okay for one spouse to scream at another after drinking, threaten self-harm, and then pretend nothing happened. THAT is something that abusers do.

It should be possible for one partner to be frustrated with certain things and express that frustration to their spouse without an angry outburst.

That you guys think this is all OP's fault is pretty terrible.

Anonymous wrote:You were completely in the wrong. Not only did you pick a terrible moment to raise the issue in the first place, but you completely ignored and disrespected him when he said he didn’t want to have the discussion right then. You physically followed him, harassing him and berating him because he wouldn’t do what you want per right in that moment until he finally lost his cool and yelled.

So yay, you got what you wanted. You took his fun evening and turned it into a nightmare because you were in a bad mood. To be blunt, that’s the kind of thing abusers do.

It would be nice if he apologized, but you are the one who really owes an apology here. You want to have a conversation, sure, go ahead and say you’d like to discuss it at some point, and you guys can figure out a time that works for both of you. But you don’t get to demand that it be right at that moment and then browbeat him into submission.