I don’t think it’s realistic to never host your parents.

My in laws are plenty difficult (I once started a thread about all the crazy stuff my MIL did) but without real serious issues like substance abuse or intentional cruelty, a hard-and-fast never houseguest rule is probably not going to work out.

Are your parents NEVER allowed to stay at your house?

You need to decide this sooner rather than later. Also, you absolutely cannot accept a guest bed from your parents if they’re never allowed to stay with you. That’s cruel.

And if you’re going to ban your parents from your house you better make sure their transgressions are worthy of that. Otherwise, you’re solidly in a$$hole territory.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the bit about the trundle bed. You're not deterring her. You're actively inviting her to sleep at your house in the future.

OP here: DW and I have talked about getting a trundle bed for the guest room regardless of my parents visiting. My thinking was that by telling my mom she can get us the bed as a gift, it gives me an out for why they can't stay here this time.

So you lied to your mom and got caught in it. Be a man and be honest.

I don’t like having houseguests, but unless my ILs were monsters, I would not turn away my ILs. I would insist on a short visit, and expect my husband to be present and engaged with his parents, cook, clean, not let me do everything!

Exactly, if they’re not welcome why are you inviting them in the future.

We don’t know the back story of why your wife seems to despise this person. But what I do know is that your conversations with the pushy parent come across as petty and very, very weird. Grow up. The parents get to stay in the house.

We have the same situation w my MIL. She has been horrible to me since the moment we met and it continues today. We used to have her stay over but she would inevitably drink too much wine, be incredibly nasty to me, and then end up crying bc she was no longer #1 in DHs life. The visits were miserable and DH and I would fight for weeks leading up to her arrival and throughout. I felt trapped in my own home and I couldn’t escape her demeaning comments. DH and I decided it was best for our marriage that she stay at a hotel. She doesn’t like it but it’s really the only way we can have her visit now. she created this mess. So I hear you, OP, we’ve been there done that for 12 yrs now. Now a little advice... be straight w your parents on why hotel is best arrangement and for the love Don’t let them buy you furniture if you aren’t letting them stay!

So how will you avoid having them stay at your house in the future?

Have your parents come and stay. Tell your wife to make lots of plans for the weekend. Be around for a few meals but go to get her hair done for hours whether she’s at the salon or not. Is your dentist open on Saturdays? Mine is. Schedule a cleaning. I scheduled appointments, had work engagements and prior things for years when the ILs visited to keep the peace. A little separation helped all of us.

What did your mom say to your wife that was so hurtful?

I don't get the idea that they would buy or give you a bed...when your goal is to not have them stay with you. It seems counterproductive.

If your mother is actually mean - then deal with that. You tell her.

Mom - remember how you made those comments to Sarah about how she was fat as a whale and ate like a football team - those commented were pretty hurtful and it would be uncomfortable to have you in the house all the time. There is a great hotel just a block away and that way if things get tense or if anyone is uncomfortable then we have separate spaces to go back to. If down, the road, we have a better relationship with you, then we can revisit this.

I can’t imagine not letting my parents stay at my house. I hope my son makes better choices than you.

I don't think they're being pushy. I think you're being unclear, and they're trying to clarify. You are the problem here.

How long are they staying? She can’t put up with them for a weekend? Marriage is a compromise.

And your parents aren't being pushy. You are simply leading them on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re really in a pickle. Don’t accept any bedroom furniture until you talk to your wife.

And have a serious discussion with het why she doesn’t want to host your parents.

OP here: In short, my Mom has a history of saying some shitty things to my wife, which, to my mom seem like innocent comments, but I know my wife is hurt by them. Things were initially rough, but have gotten better in recent months. The other issue is that my parents often just want to get up early, hang out around the house, and stay up late, while my wife and I like to do activities outside of the house. I know all the "extreme togetherness" with my family can be alot, which is why I'm trying to be understanding of her wishes in this situation.

You sound really immature. Hope both you and your wife don't have any kids.