At 42 why would you want to get married? If you have a good career I wouldn't risk my finances, and a pre-nup only protects assets before the marriage. It doesn't protect lawsuits, or debt your partner may bring upon you.
If you meet someone just live with them.

Anonymous wrote:Without children in the mix, I am going to vote heartily for not getting married. You can have a loving partner and relationship without combining every thing. My mother has a long term partner who she does not live with. They are wonderful companions and help each other in all the ways you would expect of a husband or wife. BUT they have their own space, finances and domiciles. They each have kids who have kids and they treat everyone as their grandchildren. Except when one of them dies, we won't have to untangle their estate and who gets what and there will be no fighting.

It's also taken so much pressure off their relationship. They didn't need to be perfect soul mates because they weren't intertwining everything. It's a "eh this is good enough' type of thing. My mother has NO interest in all his crap being in her house. So they just avoided that fight by never moving in together.

It's seriously a pretty awesome way to live.

I think your mom's scenario is different because she and her partner have kids. OP doesn't. Obviously, not everyone wants kids, but it's hard to say how you will feel when you are 60 and you have no kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:There have been lots of studies showing that marriage makes men happier but women unhappier. Personally, I’m very happy with my marriage bc even though it’s hard at times, I feel like my husband inspires me to be a better person, and I do the same for him.

Those studies are all b.s or clickbait. https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2019/6/4/18650969/married-women-miserable-fake-paul-dolan-happiness

Studies also show kids make people unhappy, as does grad school and other things you have to work at that make a life meaningful.

Marriage has its benefits and detriments, with whom you are married to determinant as to whether its worth it.

Married man here. I don’t know any married men who prefer marriage to being single.

Maybe you have a small circle. That's sad.

Most men can't be alone and want to be married. Especially over 40.

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is great if you are married to the right person.

And there's a 50% chance that will be true, right? Yay!

Unfortunately, the rest of the time, the "right person" morphs into the wrong person after seven years or so...

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Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced with kids, about ten years your junior. I think marriage is valuable - can be valuable - when you think of it not in terms of romance or love, but partnership. Of course, chemistry and sex and attraction and fondness are wonderful (and important) in marriage, but the value of a good marriage is what the partnership enables each individual to achieve, and what they can achieve together. I think these kinds of marriages are in the minority, but are what people who do marry aspire to.

I agree that the partnership is valuable. I got married in my late 30s to a guy in his mid-40s, and we've been married for about 8 years now. First marriage for both, no kids. I'd been very happy as a single, so I was nervous going into marriage - such a big CHANGE - but I'm even happier married. In addition to love, romance, and all of that - I gained a wonderful life partner. Financial partnership - we're BOTH better off by pooling our money.

Not clear to me why you have to get married to "pool your money". And there is the issue that getting married, and thus entangling your finances, puts your money at risk in the event of a divorce.

You seem to be focused on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on marriage you should wonder if you’d like a boyfriend. The first step is a boyfriend. Find someone you enjoy spending time with. Step one is going on dates and meeting men.

FWIW I see the main benefit of marriage to be relative stability. Marriage for better or worse keeps people together. If I weren’t married I would have probably left my husband by now and later regretted it. It’s a lot easier to breakup with a boyfriend/gf than get divorced. If I only went the LT partner route I would probably have multiple ones throughout my life. This is what I’m witnessing among my friends who are opposed to marriage. They jump from relationship to relationship. There are of course people who don’t require a legal contract to stay together, but I find it certainly helps. It also provides financial protection, especially for the spouse who has children and/or sacrifices their career for children.

There's nothing special about marriage. We mainly got married because we wanted kids. We had already lived together for years and owned our home together by the time we got married. We took the legal step because we decided to procreate.

My DH and I could have the same life we currently have even if we weren't married. That said, for me, there is something to being married that makes the whole more than the sum of its parts. Honestly, I'm not sure I would feel the same way if we didn't have kids. We dated for years before getting engaged in our mid-30s, and we did so in part because we wanted a family and thought it would be "easier" if we were married. I can probably only say this through hindsight, but if I had decided not to have kids I could have quite happily lived on my own and maintained my own residence, finances, etc. without ever getting married. Frieda Kahlo and Diego Rivera lived in two separate residences connected by a bridge and that sounds pretty perfect to me.

Marriage is great if you are married to the right person.

Although as the product of a second marriage I would not marry someone with kids.

I may be in the minority but I love being married and we’ve been married 35 years. Raising three children together and living all over the country has been a great adventure. We are now retired empty nesters and the adventure continues. I know I got lucky with the man I married as he has been an incredible partner, friend and lover. He also had a very successful business career which affords us a great life style. If I were 42 and single I’d love to find a partner like my husband (with no baggage!) but I’m not sure being married would be critical. I would like to live under the same roof for many reasons but being bound together financially and all of that just adds a level of complexity that is unnecessary.

Anonymous wrote:I’m happily married but wouldn’t bother if I planned to stay childless.

+1. Only reason to do it is if you're going to have kids.

The happiest long-term couples I know aren't married.

I am about your age, married with no kids. We got married in our mid-30s after being together a couple of years.

I really like being married. Sure it's got its frustrations - plenty of them! - but for me, having a partner I can count on is a very positive thing in my life. I also really do not enjoy being single.

I'd been in several long term relationships before meeting my husband, living with people a couple of times. I am very glad I didn't marry those guys. So just to say: I don't think marriage qua marriage is great, but marriage with someone you want to be married to is really nice.

There's always the question of why get married if you don't want kids. (We did not and do not want kids.) For me, I just wanted that commitment - that public commitment, that commitment to each other. I don't know if there is any substantive difference between being married or not, but I just really like having a *husband* - I like wearing a wedding ring. Maybe it makes me feel more adult, or more a part of society, or something. I really don't have an answer to why it means something to me, just that it does.

So yeah - here to ring the pro-marriage bell, with the caveat that I think living with someone you are unhappy with is much worse than being alone. So live together for at least a year before getting hitched, to make sure you like what you're getting into.

Without children in the mix, I am going to vote heartily for not getting married. You can have a loving partner and relationship without combining every thing. My mother has a long term partner who she does not live with. They are wonderful companions and help each other in all the ways you would expect of a husband or wife. BUT they have their own space, finances and domiciles. They each have kids who have kids and they treat everyone as their grandchildren. Except when one of them dies, we won't have to untangle their estate and who gets what and there will be no fighting.

It's also taken so much pressure off their relationship. They didn't need to be perfect soul mates because they weren't intertwining everything. It's a "eh this is good enough' type of thing. My mother has NO interest in all his crap being in her house. So they just avoided that fight by never moving in together.

It's seriously a pretty awesome way to live.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think cohabitation is on the rise versus marriage, and not just very young people either. I know an awesome couple that have been partners for 20 years - they are both in their 60s. The woman has never married, the man is a divorced dad/grandad. At this point I think he has been with his partner/girlfriend for longer than he was with his ex wife. It just works for them. Why complicate things with marriage.

I don't understand why marriage makes a relationship more complicated, especially at that age. When DH and I got married, not much changed from the year when we were living together, other than pulling our resources together. But, plenty of people keep separate bank accounts after they get married.

It's financial, obviously. If you don't marry, there are no default laws that say he gets 1/2 your money if you split up, or where your assets will go after death. Especially if there are step-kids in the picture. You don't want to be involved in something messy where the 2nd wife gets all the assets and disinherits your bio children. To avoid that you'd have to set up a prenup, and people don't want to do that. Not marrying is the easier solution.

I think you are in exactly the right place to be out in the dating world. Wanting anything too badly (marriage, etc.) can make a person seem desperate and that can be a turnoff. But if you're not sure that's what you want, it leaves you completely open for something - marriage or a great long-term relationship without marriage, or whatever you find. It's kind of a power position.

If you do get married, both of you should have prenups. I know way too many folks - both sexes - who've lost a ton of money or assets in a divorce, and that makes me sad.