Anonymous wrote:I just miss having someone to bounce ideas off of. Logistical decisions, car maintenance things, where to plant hostas etc etc. Just having another adult in general. I also know, realize and accept my kids are struggling. Dh left me but we have never told them that so I share the blame in their eyes which kinda sucks but I realize it's best. DH is still with AP and they seem happy and I just have a huge house with no man to fix all this shit. I almost wish i had to financially downsize for the excuse but i know the last thing my kids need right now is a major change so here i sit.

Aw. You sound nice. I hope you find a nice new husband in a few years. You remind me of a close friend whose wife left him abruptly after an affair ... it took him several years but he recently remarried someone who seems totally great. In the mean time, I recommend finding a nice (hot) handyman to come fix everything up! Maybe he can even give advice on the hostas.

Anonymous wrote:A friend recently put it this way:
DH wants to live in squalor and chaos 100% of the time. I want to live in order and cleanliness 100% of the time. We can’t change each other, but we can separately get what we want.

How do you handle your kids living in squalor and chaos 50% of the time?

A friend recently put it this way:
DH wants to live in squalor and chaos 100% of the time. I want to live in order and cleanliness 100% of the time. We can’t change each other, but we can separately get what we want.

I just miss having someone to bounce ideas off of. Logistical decisions, car maintenance things, where to plant hostas etc etc. Just having another adult in general. I also know, realize and accept my kids are struggling. Dh left me but we have never told them that so I share the blame in their eyes which kinda sucks but I realize it's best. DH is still with AP and they seem happy and I just have a huge house with no man to fix all this shit. I almost wish i had to financially downsize for the excuse but i know the last thing my kids need right now is a major change so here i sit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

Healthy marriages don’t end in divorce. Yes, divorce hurts kids, but so does living in a broken-yet-together home.

Unhealthy people. .. a marriage is not an organism... it does not have a life of its own.

It's the person or people that are unhealthy and a divorce won't fix that.

My ex was unhealthy, and refused treatment. The divorce made his mental illness no longer my problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I regret is we didn't do it sooner. Sure, all of the things listed were part of the process and it was tough for awhile, but everyone is happier now. The kids have made that very clear. I didn't realize how bad it was for them in a home where their parents never showed intimacy or genuine love to each other. Sure, we piled all kinds of love on our kids, but not with one another. My kids let me know they knew it was over before we even did.

I’m an adult and my parents divorced as a child. Don’t convince yourself this is better for the kids. Yes, it was nice not seeing my parents fight or not share a bed. But, the difficulties of them dating, pulling me in two directions (which WILL happen even when parents do their best), the moving house to house...it was really hard. The divorce was the best decision for them, but the burden of it fell on us.

I’m not saying I’d never get divorced if it ended up that way, but be clear that it’s ? about the parents and not the kids short of an house situation.

ABUSE not house. Sorry.

I’m sorry to hear the divorce was so hard on you. That was not my experience (I’m PP of the comment above ^). Maybe selfishness of a parent in a divorce is that they don’t protect their child sufficiently from that tear and back and forth. The kids should be off limits from fighting. Parents should always have their kids best interest in mind, if they didn’t that’s when they’re just thinking of themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

Just NO. As a child of divorced parents I am soooooo immensely grateful that my parents divorced when they did. I won’t say it was easy on me but I definitely would not have survived longer living with my parents fighting day in and day out. It was absolutely the best thing they could have done for themselves and for me. A toxic marriage is not good for anyone, kids included. It’s not selfish. I hate to hear about parents who stay together for the kids. Your kids know, they know you don’t love each other anymore, they know you aren’t good together, they know a lot more than you think they do.

Anonymous wrote:"I regret ever getting married"

"I regret not doing it sooner"

These are not the kinds of regrets the OP is looking for...

My exDW decided she liked women and not me. I was a mess for a while but after a couple of years I think it’s the best outcome. I never expected to feel good about the end of the marriage but I do.

My regret is that I didn’t file for divorce immediately when I moved out. It dragged out the process.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I regret is we didn't do it sooner. Sure, all of the things listed were part of the process and it was tough for awhile, but everyone is happier now. The kids have made that very clear. I didn't realize how bad it was for them in a home where their parents never showed intimacy or genuine love to each other. Sure, we piled all kinds of love on our kids, but not with one another. My kids let me know they knew it was over before we even did.

I’m an adult and my parents divorced as a child. Don’t convince yourself this is better for the kids. Yes, it was nice not seeing my parents fight or not share a bed. But, the difficulties of them dating, pulling me in two directions (which WILL happen even when parents do their best), the moving house to house...it was really hard. The divorce was the best decision for them, but the burden of it fell on us.

I’m not saying I’d never get divorced if it ended up that way, but be clear that it’s ? about the parents and not the kids short of an house situation.

+1
For many children of divorce is still a taboo to express their true feelings, there is fear to hurt parents feelings and expectations.

It's your divorce, so own it. All of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came across this story the other day:

https://www.mydomaine.com/you-probably-shouldnt-have-divorced-and-dont-even-know-it-yet-1102932

Seemed to me that the possible regrets were pretty predictable; difficult finances, kids will have problems, new relationships might not be better.

Made me wonder - what problems (or regrets) did you have after your divorce that you didn't expect?

I didn’t expect to miss the jerk so much. He got my sense of humor. Also a sad to be “the divorced one” in our social circle. The only person is kind of a loud mouthed wreck and seems like a mess, and I do not relate at all.

why did you divorce, then? I can imagine missing some practical aspects of having my DH around, but the bad parts of our relationship render that totally null. I didn't get to the point of wanting a divorce until all my positive feelings were pretty much gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

Healthy marriages don’t end in divorce. Yes, divorce hurts kids, but so does living in a broken-yet-together home.

Unhealthy people. .. a marriage is not an organism... it does not have a life of its own.

It's the person or people that are unhealthy and a divorce won't fix that.

The relationship is unhealthy, not necessarily the people in the relationship. A divorce will release them from an unhealthy dynamic. Home should be a loving, relaxing oasis.

There is no unhealthy relationship without at least 1 unhealthy person. A person makes the relationship unhealthy. You can actually be "out of love" and have a healthy relationship. Not all divorces are because of "unhealthy" relationships.

That is the biggest myth... a divorce will release you from your unhealthy self. No your self goes along with you and you are still unhealthy.

Either you are unhealthy or your spouse is unhealthy if you home is not loving and relaxing.

No. Staying in a marriage when you are no longer in love is not healthy unless a business arrangement like that is agreeable to you both.

Two decent, good people can simply become incompatible over time and it is no one's fault. You can both want vastly different things and still be good, healthy, functional people but the relationship between you simply can not go on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

Healthy marriages don’t end in divorce. Yes, divorce hurts kids, but so does living in a broken-yet-together home.

Unhealthy people. .. a marriage is not an organism... it does not have a life of its own.

It's the person or people that are unhealthy and a divorce won't fix that.

The relationship is unhealthy, not necessarily the people in the relationship. A divorce will release them from an unhealthy dynamic. Home should be a loving, relaxing oasis.

There is no unhealthy relationship without at least 1 unhealthy person. A person makes the relationship unhealthy. You can actually be "out of love" and have a healthy relationship. Not all divorces are because of "unhealthy" relationships.

That is the biggest myth... a divorce will release you from your unhealthy self. No your self goes along with you and you are still unhealthy.

Either you are unhealthy or your spouse is unhealthy if you home is not loving and relaxing.

what a stupid, judgmental, and uninformed view of human nature.

what's your solution if you or your spouse is "unhealthy"? just say some magic words and it will be all better? we ALL know that environment can have a huge impact on mental health. removing yourself from an environment that is making you unhealthy is often the best move.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

You are one warped martyr.