Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who are posting with kids still in high school, look into “Colleges That Change Lives.” The have a website, book, give talks around the country. Their schools are small and welcoming. They value strong relationships with faculty and a sense of community. My DC is at one, and has blossomed—much more confident and engaged that she was in high school. I think the small pond environment was less intimidating than high school in this area, which borders on being toxic.

Spare me the colleges that save lives baloney. It’s just a marketing gimmick for the second tier.

Ah, but hopefully at a CTCL school you could avoid people like this, which in my book is a win

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who are posting with kids still in high school, look into “Colleges That Change Lives.” The have a website, book, give talks around the country. Their schools are small and welcoming. They value strong relationships with faculty and a sense of community. My DC is at one, and has blossomed—much more confident and engaged that she was in high school. I think the small pond environment was less intimidating than high school in this area, which borders on being toxic.

Spare me the colleges that save lives baloney. It’s just a marketing gimmick for the second tier.

Consider two things:
1. What is her definition/concept of "friendship"? The reality is that in college many friendships are a little superficial; deep friendships take time to develop. Perhaps a little recalibration is in order.
2. It sounds like your daughter is taking a good first step at getting involved in things. The next is to take the initiative and invite small groups to do stuff on a purely social basis. There'll be bumps in the road, but my advice is that the more you get over the fear of embarassment, rejection, or whatever, the easier it becomes.

Some of this is in the way DD looks at it.

At her age, I often got stuck in the rut of thinking I was missing something when I didn't have a friend who was as close as my best friend in HS.

It wasn't that I couldn't get anyone to do anything whenever I wanted, it was just that they were a long list of people that came and went every semester or so.

Much of it was because they would find romantic relationships and not have time or maybe more accurately would rather hang out with someone else.

If DD is trying to find a friend who is so close that it meets her needs both for friendship but also to take the edge off a lack of romantic opportunities, that is a pretty high bar and it can scare people off.

Eventually, my list of friends included more and more people who found it hard to find romantic opportunities. Their issues also made it hard to be friends for very long.

My advice would be that DD not worry about having long term friends because friends are going to come and go more and more quickly as her 20s go by and people pair off for the longer term.

At least for me, once I gave up on my ideal of long term friends, my efforts to create shorter term friendships also transferred well into building my romantic searching skills.

Good luck

I transferred schools junior year and thought I would have trouble meeting people. Ended up living in a group house (5 people at a time, co-ed). It was awesome. We had international students, grad students, townies, you name it. Over two years probably had 12 different people. And I stayed the Summer. I had a tough major, so it was nice to hang with a wide range of young people.

This thread reminds me of my son. Had friends in grade school but not so much as he transitioned to high school. It is painful to watch as he try’s to fit in and you can see the social anxiety beneath the surface. My heart breaks for him. He is currently at a CTCL and frankly I don’t know how he’s doing on the friend front. But I see him finding his voice, becoming active in a school activity and generally liking his school. It’s one of the Ohio SLACs. I think it was a good choice for him. Him and his roommate will be room again next year with two other suite mates. It’s a slow process. The only thing I ever say is to be yourself and natural friendships will happen. Wish we had money for therapist but money is tight. Glad he’s at a CTCL college.

Just love ‘em and support ‘em.

Look into coed or not coed, service fraternities. They have tons of activities and you keep getting together with the same group of people, so it increases the chances of knowing people better. They are not so body image/ party/ drinking oriented as some of the Greek world. Some are super low-key and some are more popular people/ social so find what fits. There’s a rush, but it’s mostly just getting to know the people in the organization. No hazing. There are one or two honor fraternities too. Not prestigious ones like Phi Bwtta Kappa, more low key. Not a resume booster but good camaraderie leaving a balance for activity time and study time.

Anonymous wrote:Can she get back in a dorm situation? I think dorms are a great way to make friends.

Juniors and seniors don't live in dorms at her school

One thing you want to be sure NOT to do. Don't hound her with "why don't you have any friends?" and push her with solutions. Will make her feel worse.

Can she get back in a dorm situation? I think dorms are a great way to make friends.

Anonymous wrote:To the OP: Does your DD have a roommate this year? What about next year? Did she choose someone to room with or go into the lottery system by herself? What will she do during summer break?

I agree with others that she could use a gentle nudge in forming some friendship bonds. Some therapy could give her some concrete steps.

No, she is in a single. She is living in an apartment with a girl she doesn't know next her. She's working as an office assistant this summer.

Thanks!

For those of you who are posting with kids still in high school, look into “Colleges That Change Lives.” The have a website, book, give talks around the country. Their schools are small and welcoming. They value strong relationships with faculty and a sense of community. My DC is at one, and has blossomed—much more confident and engaged that she was in high school. I think the small pond environment was less intimidating than high school in this area, which borders on being toxic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to get involved in clubs, community service, committees, etc. Working together with people is the quickest way to build connections.

You need to work on your reading comprehension

OP, you’re pretty nasty for someone who’s asking strangers for help.

All you said was the she was involved in “extracurriculars.” That could mean anything.

OP here. That was not my comment, it was a different poster.

To the OP: Does your DD have a roommate this year? What about next year? Did she choose someone to room with or go into the lottery system by herself? What will she do during summer break?

I agree with others that she could use a gentle nudge in forming some friendship bonds. Some therapy could give her some concrete steps.

A good therapist can also help her overcome her social anxiety and work on goals for reaching out and forming friendships. I would find someone who can work with her over the summer and not wait until school starts next year. (Although I would continue with someone on campus next year also.)