Anonymous wrote:Other than pt preschool and now public school, never unless my kids were sleeping. I have one mom’s night a month where DH keeps them and we probably squeeze in 1 date night a month. No complaints. It is my job and my choice.

This is me, exactly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

My “rule” is that my spouse and I get an equal number of hours of relaxation time. I do think it’s wrong for a mom to do childcare from waking to bedtime while her husband gets an hour after work to relax. I’m not sure how many people really operate that way, though. If your husband works 12 hr days (and you agreed to that and benefit from the increased salary), then I think it’s fair for you to put in a longer day of childcare.

I agree with this premise generally but frankly when one spouse is providing all the expenses for the entire family, things change a bit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

Good for you.
A lot of SAHPs don’t have a spouse who works 9-5 and is off every weekend.

Also, this is kind of hard to parse out in day to day life. If I have four kids and my DH is playing soccer with two of them, and the other two are coloring in the kitchen while I make dinner, am I on duty or off duty?
By your logic, I am off duty because my DH is also on. By my logic, I am still on.

Obviously if the kids are with you, you're on duty. But if DH has all four of them in the backyard and you are just cooking dinner, you're not doing childcare, you're doing household tasks. Which still isn't the same as downtime, I know. My point is more, it's 9 pm and everyone is home. Does DH relax in the basement with the TV on while you -- having watched the kids all day -- are still doing kid stuff like baths, bedtime, homework. In my mind, that's unfair because it means the SAH spouse is on duty round the clock while the working spouse is not. But apparently lots of people don't mind that, so good for them.

Here’s how we do it: when he’s at work, I have the kids so I am “at work.” When he is home, we split duties or share duties as needed. One bathes kids and other washes dishes or laundry. Take turns sleeping in, seeing friends, etc. The same as a two-working parent household except my “job” is manning the fort while he’s at work.

6 & 4 -in school 9-2:45 every day. Babysitter on Wednesday’s 3-5:30ish but I am usually around too.

Anonymous wrote:Pp, I think the only fair way is for both parents to be “working” in and out of the home the same hours more or less. It is as unfair to have the SAH on extra duty as it is for the WOH get tossed the kids when he or she walks in the door. They should both be contributing to the house (but I include cooking differ as part of that, the other should be playing with kids or supervising homework, etc.)

Now if the SAH has kids in school and spends time for themselves during those hours, like gym or hair or whatever, then he or she should take on more evening burden. Both parents should get some free and some family time together on weekends.

I agree with this. When I was SAH, we split the work when DH got home, what remained of it (bedtime and dinner cleanup usually). Usually he'd do the animate work and I'd do inanimate. I would try to get most of it done before he'd get home, but you know how it is. I also had a sitter for ~12 hrs a week, which I know is unusual and I was grateful for it. It's sort of the same now that I'm working PT again. We split what needs to be done in the evenings. One glorious day all 3 kids will be in school and I may very well take a sabbatical to enjoy those daytime off duty hours.

Anonymous wrote:Pp, I think the only fair way is for both parents to be “working” in and out of the home the same hours more or less. It is as unfair to have the SAH on extra duty as it is for the WOH get tossed the kids when he or she walks in the door. They should both be contributing to the house (but I include cooking differ as part of that, the other should be playing with kids or supervising homework, etc.)

Now if the SAH has kids in school and spends time for themselves during those hours, like gym or hair or whatever, then he or she should take on more evening burden. Both parents should get some free and some family time together on weekends.

Sahm here, and we divide up by who gets free time.
It’s not about who does more. If we get equal free time, when there are free hours, that’s the most equal we can be. I don’t care what he does / how hard he works when he’s on duty with kids. He has no expectations of me, even though I generally do push myself to work harder. We just notice however hard we do or don’t work, if feels amazing to have free time. So again, that’s how we divide it.

Sorry, I know it may seem obvious. I’m saying it sometimes isn’t obvious. When we focus on who’s ‘working’ what hours, it’s easier to resent each other. So long as free time is even, I don’t care if he works or glides through the day.

Pp, I think the only fair way is for both parents to be “working” in and out of the home the same hours more or less. It is as unfair to have the SAH on extra duty as it is for the WOH get tossed the kids when he or she walks in the door. They should both be contributing to the house (but I include cooking differ as part of that, the other should be playing with kids or supervising homework, etc.)

Now if the SAH has kids in school and spends time for themselves during those hours, like gym or hair or whatever, then he or she should take on more evening burden. Both parents should get some free and some family time together on weekends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

My “rule” is that my spouse and I get an equal number of hours of relaxation time. I do think it’s wrong for a mom to do childcare from waking to bedtime while her husband gets an hour after work to relax. I’m not sure how many people really operate that way, though. If your husband works 12 hr days (and you agreed to that and benefit from the increased salary), then I think it’s fair for you to put in a longer day of childcare.

I concur.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

Good for you.
A lot of SAHPs don’t have a spouse who works 9-5 and is off every weekend.

Also, this is kind of hard to parse out in day to day life. If I have four kids and my DH is playing soccer with two of them, and the other two are coloring in the kitchen while I make dinner, am I on duty or off duty?
By your logic, I am off duty because my DH is also on. By my logic, I am still on.

Dp here. I think the pp is saying the opposite. She is saying it isn’t fair for SAHP to be on 24-7. She and her spouse both work and split duties so if her spouse is home, he should share in duties.

I took OP’s question as when you get a break, not doing housework while spouse watches kids.

My 3 kids have been driving me nuts all day. DH got home a little early and asked what was for dinner. I kind of lost it and said I don’t know. He heated up some food we had, I put out some veggies and rice and had dinner.

All 3 kids are watching tv and I’m taking a break. I don’t really think OP counts parking kids in front of tv so I can breathe as off duty. I will soon be asking oldest if he finished his homework and giving toddler a bath.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

My “rule” is that my spouse and I get an equal number of hours of relaxation time. I do think it’s wrong for a mom to do childcare from waking to bedtime while her husband gets an hour after work to relax. I’m not sure how many people really operate that way, though. If your husband works 12 hr days (and you agreed to that and benefit from the increased salary), then I think it’s fair for you to put in a longer day of childcare.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between 3 and 6 hours. 99% of that relief time is provided by my mom. My kids are 8, 6, 3.

Are your 8 and 6 year olds not in school?

Not pp but I have 2 elementary plus a toddler. Even if older kids are in school, you still have the youngest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

No. With working spouses, I would assume that if I had an important meeting to attend, dh would go to pick up our child or our nanny or sitter would do it. If i went out of town on business, dh would handle childcare issues. If he had business travel, I would be the one on call.

With a SAHM, the agreement is usually that you are the one who will handle childcare/doctors appts and be the one essentially on call. There is no real back up in place. My own husband worked full time and took college courses at night. The kids were often in bed by the time he got home. So for me, it is very true that I was on duty all the time.

Does it count when they are sleeping? If my two youngest (1 and 3) nap at the same time, I can generally get 30-60 minutes a day without having to supervise them. Although I don’t know if it’s really free if I can’t leave the house! And the naps don’t always work out for me, maybe 3 times a week?

My husband takes all 3 kids on at least one weekend morning, sometimes both, from about 7-10am while I sleep. I do all night wakings for the kids, and the 1yo doesn’t sleep through the night, so I need the sleep.

I go out with friends maybe one or two evenings a month, usually after the baby is in bed. We don’t have any family locally, but grandparents come to visit maybe once every 6 weeks, and then I have much more free time to run errands or meet up with friends.

My life was MUCH better when we had a sitter for 10 hours a week, but we are trying to save money so cut that out. If we had more money, I would for sure try to hire someone again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never, really. Even when they are at school I'm the one on call. It's not like I can head to Rehobeth and for a beach day and relax and drink margaritas. I can get stuff done around the house, I can run errands, I can work out but I need to be ready to snap to it and pick a kid up as needed.

This is just dumb. By your logic no parent is ever 'off duty.' OP obviously means when you're not the only adult directly supervising the children. Come on.

This. Working parents are on call too. OP means when the children are actually present.

What I find interesting about this thread, though, is all the people including nighttime/post-work hours. So if the working spouse gets home at 6 pm, the SAH spouse is still on duty? The working spouse works 9-5 (or whatever) but the SAH spouse is on duty 24/7? That seems unfair. DH and I both work out of the house and when we are in the house, either we are both on duty, or we split it up. Staying at home should not be a license for the working spouse to never lift a finger with regard to anything non-work-related.

Good for you.
A lot of SAHPs don’t have a spouse who works 9-5 and is off every weekend.

Also, this is kind of hard to parse out in day to day life. If I have four kids and my DH is playing soccer with two of them, and the other two are coloring in the kitchen while I make dinner, am I on duty or off duty?
By your logic, I am off duty because my DH is also on. By my logic, I am still on.

Obviously if the kids are with you, you're on duty. But if DH has all four of them in the backyard and you are just cooking dinner, you're not doing childcare, you're doing household tasks. Which still isn't the same as downtime, I know. My point is more, it's 9 pm and everyone is home. Does DH relax in the basement with the TV on while you -- having watched the kids all day -- are still doing kid stuff like baths, bedtime, homework. In my mind, that's unfair because it means the SAH spouse is on duty round the clock while the working spouse is not. But apparently lots of people don't mind that, so good for them.

Anonymous wrote:Between 3 and 6 hours. 99% of that relief time is provided by my mom. My kids are 8, 6, 3.

Are your 8 and 6 year olds not in school?