Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 8 year old mixed race (I say that for a reason that will become clear) twin girls. One of them is objectively very very strikingly beautiful with a tall lean frame and very long fine hair down to her bottom. The other one is very pretty too-also with very long fine hair in ringlets, tall and slim though she is more solidly built.

People’s reactions to them have always been the same whether they hold back on commenting or not. They are magnetically drawn to one - they stare and stare and even if they say “they’re so so beautiful” or refrain from saying anything they stare at the one child. This happens with adults mainly of all colors-black, white, make, female.
I feel wretched about my other daughter who is very pretty but is always on the shadow of her striking sister looks-wise and she knows it and feels bad about it. Always looking for reassurance and affirmation on her looks. Since they were very young I would notice her look at the commenters and turn to look at her sister because invariably the commenter’s eyes would be on her sister.
The very worst are those who say outright about the one daughter-“she is so so beautiful!” right in front of her same age sister. Why? I cringe and pray that my other daughter has not heard but most of the time she has. The very worst culprits are Black people. Why why why do they do that? They go on and on and touch her hair as my other daughter stands and watches. Sometimes they catch themselves and comment on her too but it’s always an afterthought. It makes bile rise up in me. Even though I have always told them and their siblings together and very consciously that they are all lovely, she always reacts negatively and says “no I’m not”. She and her sister are the best of friends but I am noticing jealousy and mean remarks creeping in. I’m so sad because I want them to always be each other’s best friend as they are now.
Then there are the twits -one black friend recently said, in front of them, that she thinks of one as the “whiter” twin because she is lean with Caucasian features and the other as the “blacker” because, while slim, she is “thicker”? What does that even mean? They both have the exact same complexion and I don’t see one as having more Caucasian features than the other. Why are those thoughts even occurring to anyone? I was so surprised that my friend had thought this way all along and she seemed shocked that I did not see my daughters that way. I had a stern word with her because we are very close and asked her never to mention their looks in their hearing again. I was so exasperated!
Another friend -a white male and the only white person that has ever said anything -asked me why one was lean and the other “stockier”. But they were both right there!! And how, pray tell, would I know the answer to that question?
My daughter, has started to say that browner skin and curly hair are ugly and she is ugly and that she hates herself. No amount of reassurance seems to hold because before long someone will open their big mouth and comment.
I am writing because today we went for an ice cream and were having a lovely tone. As we were leaving, met an Ethiopian lady from the Hair Cuttery my son goes to and I stopped and said hello. She suddenly pointed at one daughter and exclaimed “she’s so beautiful!” I saw the downcast look on my other daughter’s face and my heart sank. From having a lovely day out, my daughter was sad and silent all the way home.
Why do people do this? Is it because they are young and they think the children will not notice? I just don’t get how people can be so insensitive. My daughter has been saying she is sad all evening and that she hates herself but will not say why but I know and it breaks my heart.
I don’t even know why I am writing. There’s nothing anyone can do. Why are people so focused on looks? Looks fade and it’s what inside that ultimately matters. They are both kind lovely girls and the one that attracts attention never seems to think of herself as better than. She never even mentions her looks. I just worry that these comments will eventually start getting to her head, about how this will affect her sister’s self esteem and their relationship as they enter their teens when emotions are so volatile. I’m so sad right now for my beautiful little girl inside and out who may forever think she is somehow inferior.

I’m so sorry OP. Your dad is lucky to have such a caring mom - and fwiw this also happens for less attractive sisters of all races. But I can understand why this is particularly hard.

Anonymous wrote:I have 8 year old mixed race (I say that for a reason that will become clear) twin girls. One of them is objectively very very strikingly beautiful with a tall lean frame and very long fine hair down to her bottom. The other one is very pretty too-also with very long fine hair in ringlets, tall and slim though she is more solidly built.

People’s reactions to them have always been the same whether they hold back on commenting or not. They are magnetically drawn to one - they stare and stare and even if they say “they’re so so beautiful” or refrain from saying anything they stare at the one child. This happens with adults mainly of all colors-black, white, make, female.
I feel wretched about my other daughter who is very pretty but is always on the shadow of her striking sister looks-wise and she knows it and feels bad about it. Always looking for reassurance and affirmation on her looks. Since they were very young I would notice her look at the commenters and turn to look at her sister because invariably the commenter’s eyes would be on her sister.
The very worst are those who say outright about the one daughter-“she is so so beautiful!” right in front of her same age sister. Why? I cringe and pray that my other daughter has not heard but most of the time she has. The very worst culprits are Black people. Why why why do they do that? They go on and on and touch her hair as my other daughter stands and watches. Sometimes they catch themselves and comment on her too but it’s always an afterthought. It makes bile rise up in me. Even though I have always told them and their siblings together and very consciously that they are all lovely, she always reacts negatively and says “no I’m not”. She and her sister are the best of friends but I am noticing jealousy and mean remarks creeping in. I’m so sad because I want them to always be each other’s best friend as they are now.
Then there are the twits -one black friend recently said, in front of them, that she thinks of one as the “whiter” twin because she is lean with Caucasian features and the other as the “blacker” because, while slim, she is “thicker”? What does that even mean? They both have the exact same complexion and I don’t see one as having more Caucasian features than the other. Why are those thoughts even occurring to anyone? I was so surprised that my friend had thought this way all along and she seemed shocked that I did not see my daughters that way. I had a stern word with her because we are very close and asked her never to mention their looks in their hearing again. I was so exasperated!
Another friend -a white male and the only white person that has ever said anything -asked me why one was lean and the other “stockier”. But they were both right there!! And how, pray tell, would I know the answer to that question?
My daughter, has started to say that browner skin and curly hair are ugly and she is ugly and that she hates herself. No amount of reassurance seems to hold because before long someone will open their big mouth and comment.
I am writing because today we went for an ice cream and were having a lovely tone. As we were leaving, met an Ethiopian lady from the Hair Cuttery my son goes to and I stopped and said hello. She suddenly pointed at one daughter and exclaimed “she’s so beautiful!” I saw the downcast look on my other daughter’s face and my heart sank. From having a lovely day out, my daughter was sad and silent all the way home.
Why do people do this? Is it because they are young and they think the children will not notice? I just don’t get how people can be so insensitive. My daughter has been saying she is sad all evening and that she hates herself but will not say why but I know and it breaks my heart.
I don’t even know why I am writing. There’s nothing anyone can do. Why are people so focused on looks? Looks fade and it’s what inside that ultimately matters. They are both kind lovely girls and the one that attracts attention never seems to think of herself as better than. She never even mentions her looks. I just worry that these comments will eventually start getting to her head, about how this will affect her sister’s self esteem and their relationship as they enter their teens when emotions are so volatile. I’m so sad right now for my beautiful little girl inside and out who may forever think she is somehow inferior.

Anonymous wrote:I have 8 year old mixed race (I say that for a reason that will become clear) twin girls. One of them is objectively very very strikingly beautiful with a tall lean frame and very long fine hair down to her bottom. The other one is very pretty too-also with very long fine hair in ringlets, tall and slim though she is more solidly built.

People’s reactions to them have always been the same whether they hold back on commenting or not. They are magnetically drawn to one - they stare and stare and even if they say “they’re so so beautiful” or refrain from saying anything they stare at the one child. This happens with adults mainly of all colors-black, white, make, female.
I feel wretched about my other daughter who is very pretty but is always on the shadow of her striking sister looks-wise and she knows it and feels bad about it. Always looking for reassurance and affirmation on her looks. Since they were very young I would notice her look at the commenters and turn to look at her sister because invariably the commenter’s eyes would be on her sister.
The very worst are those who say outright about the one daughter-“she is so so beautiful!” right in front of her same age sister. Why? I cringe and pray that my other daughter has not heard but most of the time she has. The very worst culprits are Black people. Why why why do they do that? They go on and on and touch her hair as my other daughter stands and watches. Sometimes they catch themselves and comment on her too but it’s always an afterthought. It makes bile rise up in me. Even though I have always told them and their siblings together and very consciously that they are all lovely, she always reacts negatively and says “no I’m not”. She and her sister are the best of friends but I am noticing jealousy and mean remarks creeping in. I’m so sad because I want them to always be each other’s best friend as they are now.
Then there are the twits -one black friend recently said, in front of them, that she thinks of one as the “whiter” twin because she is lean with Caucasian features and the other as the “blacker” because, while slim, she is “thicker”? What does that even mean? They both have the exact same complexion and I don’t see one as having more Caucasian features than the other. Why are those thoughts even occurring to anyone? I was so surprised that my friend had thought this way all along and she seemed shocked that I did not see my daughters that way. I had a stern word with her because we are very close and asked her never to mention their looks in their hearing again. I was so exasperated!
Another friend -a white male and the only white person that has ever said anything -asked me why one was lean and the other “stockier”. But they were both right there!! And how, pray tell, would I know the answer to that question?
My daughter, has started to say that browner skin and curly hair are ugly and she is ugly and that she hates herself. No amount of reassurance seems to hold because before long someone will open their big mouth and comment.
I am writing because today we went for an ice cream and were having a lovely tone. As we were leaving, met an Ethiopian lady from the Hair Cuttery my son goes to and I stopped and said hello. She suddenly pointed at one daughter and exclaimed “she’s so beautiful!” I saw the downcast look on my other daughter’s face and my heart sank. From having a lovely day out, my daughter was sad and silent all the way home.
Why do people do this? Is it because they are young and they think the children will not notice? I just don’t get how people can be so insensitive. My daughter has been saying she is sad all evening and that she hates herself but will not say why but I know and it breaks my heart.
I don’t even know why I am writing. There’s nothing anyone can do. Why are people so focused on looks? Looks fade and it’s what inside that ultimately matters. They are both kind lovely girls and the one that attracts attention never seems to think of herself as better than. She never even mentions her looks. I just worry that these comments will eventually start getting to her head, about how this will affect her sister’s self esteem and their relationship as they enter their teens when emotions are so volatile. I’m so sad right now for my beautiful little girl inside and out who may forever think she is somehow inferior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird that’s people would stare at one of the children merely because of the body type. “Tall and slender with long hair” does not attract attention at age 8. A stunning face, yes.

OP here. It’s her face that’s strikingly beautiful. She is also tall and lean

why are you then focusing the body type, then? it's unlikely that that's what is driving the comments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:here is the thing - one of your daughters won the genetic lottery and the other didn't. they are now old enough to notice it, and it's only going to become more glaringly obvious. i mean, almost every boy your less beautiful daughter likes will prefer her sister. and you can't really do anything about that.

stop lying to your daughter that this doesn't matter. she won't believe you and you will only lose credibility. you need to make sure that

1) your less beautiful daughter needs to make the most of her appearance. teach her to dress and use make up. consider plastic surgery (e.g. a nose, or a chin) if it would make sense. make sure her teeth look good.
2) make sure your stunning daughter takes advantage of it. i know several extremely beautiful women who ended up singled and childless after having their pick of men for some 20 years.

i have a sister with a movie start looks that had men stop their cars and jump out to beg her for her numbers. i was cute but nowhere close to that level. it sucked, but we have a solid relationship. i wish my mother taught me or at least encouraged me to look my best as opposed to lying to me that looks didn't matter. i was in my thirties when i learned very basic tips on how to dress my body.

What tragic advice. Plastic surgery? What kind of parent would propose that to a child?

Anonymous wrote:here is the thing - one of your daughters won the genetic lottery and the other didn't. they are now old enough to notice it, and it's only going to become more glaringly obvious. i mean, almost every boy your less beautiful daughter likes will prefer her sister. and you can't really do anything about that.

stop lying to your daughter that this doesn't matter. she won't believe you and you will only lose credibility. you need to make sure that

1) your less beautiful daughter needs to make the most of her appearance. teach her to dress and use make up. consider plastic surgery (e.g. a nose, or a chin) if it would make sense. make sure her teeth look good.
2) make sure your stunning daughter takes advantage of it. i know several extremely beautiful women who ended up singled and childless after having their pick of men for some 20 years.

i have a sister with a movie start looks that had men stop their cars and jump out to beg her for her numbers. i was cute but nowhere close to that level. it sucked, but we have a solid relationship. i wish my mother taught me or at least encouraged me to look my best as opposed to lying to me that looks didn't matter. i was in my thirties when i learned very basic tips on how to dress my body.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Situations like this show how glaringly ignorant people are! I'd be super careful how you have this conversation with your DDs. They're going to physically change so much! You said both DDs are pretty. It doesn't seem like the less "striking" twin is destined to be less striking. She'll likely be just as beautiful, they're just babies at 8 yo.

If it were me I'd continue deflecting people's comments and interrupt quickly with something that fits the narrative. Maybe in a year or two you can help script their own responses to comments, i.e:

Ignorant person: You're so pretty!
Striking twin: I think my sister is prettier!
Striking twin 2: No she's prettier!
Striking twin: She's a better artist
Striking twin 2: She's a better dancer
and so on...

After first response by striking twin, "I think my sis is prettier" guaranteed the commenter will realize their stupidity and say, "You're both beautiful".

I disagree. Mom really has to say something or both kids will assume she agrees with the comments. I still remember, at about age 10, overhearing my parents and aunt and uncle talking about how pretty my sister was. With nary a word about me. It confirmed for me my own thought that sister was much prettier and thinner than me. For years I thought my parents thought I was the ugly, fat, smart one. At 39 I'm pretty sure they do still think that and it no longer bothers me -- but it sure as hell did until I was almost 30. My sister said she had similar thoughts with regard to intelligence, that I was always praised for my grades and they didn't criticize her but the omission meant she believed they thought she wasn't as smart. Kids hear everything and pick up on everything. If you don't want them to spin it, you need to be explicit.

But is it true that your sister is prettier while you are smarter?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Situations like this show how glaringly ignorant people are! I'd be super careful how you have this conversation with your DDs. They're going to physically change so much! You said both DDs are pretty. It doesn't seem like the less "striking" twin is destined to be less striking. She'll likely be just as beautiful, they're just babies at 8 yo.

If it were me I'd continue deflecting people's comments and interrupt quickly with something that fits the narrative. Maybe in a year or two you can help script their own responses to comments, i.e:

Ignorant person: You're so pretty!
Striking twin: I think my sister is prettier!
Striking twin 2: No she's prettier!
Striking twin: She's a better artist
Striking twin 2: She's a better dancer
and so on...

After first response by striking twin, "I think my sis is prettier" guaranteed the commenter will realize their stupidity and say, "You're both beautiful".

I disagree. Mom really has to say something or both kids will assume she agrees with the comments. I still remember, at about age 10, overhearing my parents and aunt and uncle talking about how pretty my sister was. With nary a word about me. It confirmed for me my own thought that sister was much prettier and thinner than me. For years I thought my parents thought I was the ugly, fat, smart one. At 39 I'm pretty sure they do still think that and it no longer bothers me -- but it sure as hell did until I was almost 30. My sister said she had similar thoughts with regard to intelligence, that I was always praised for my grades and they didn't criticize her but the omission meant she believed they thought she wasn't as smart. Kids hear everything and pick up on everything. If you don't want them to spin it, you need to be explicit.

Anonymous wrote:Situations like this show how glaringly ignorant people are! I'd be super careful how you have this conversation with your DDs. They're going to physically change so much! You said both DDs are pretty. It doesn't seem like the less "striking" twin is destined to be less striking. She'll likely be just as beautiful, they're just babies at 8 yo.

If it were me I'd continue deflecting people's comments and interrupt quickly with something that fits the narrative. Maybe in a year or two you can help script their own responses to comments, i.e:

Ignorant person: You're so pretty!
Striking twin: I think my sister is prettier!
Striking twin 2: No she's prettier!
Striking twin: She's a better artist
Striking twin 2: She's a better dancer
and so on...

After first response by striking twin, "I think my sis is prettier" guaranteed the commenter will realize their stupidity and say, "You're both beautiful".