Anonymous wrote:You’re mean OP. My daughter has a really tough time on play dates and pushes and hits. I feel really sad about this and we are working on the behavior at home. I would feel terrible if she was no longer invited over. Put yourself in the moms shoes. Tell her your concerns don’t just exclude a freaking kid.

I don't think OP should exclude the other child. However, if my child was pushing and hitting other children, that would end the playdate for my child. I'd take her home. Hopefully it would reinforce that the behavior is unacceptable and she'd learn. At the very least, it would protect the other children.

When I was a preschooler, my mom had a very nice friend whose daughter was a holy terror. Unfortunately, the mom was so nice that no matter what the daughter did to me, the mother would only say in a syrupy sweet voice, "Now Larla, that's not nice." The not nice things she did included putting gum in my hair, hitting me, and biting me. One time, I tripped over their coffee table trying to run away. It left a scar on my eyelid, but I consider myself fortunate not to have lost the eye.

You may feel really sad when your daughter pushes and hits other children, but I guarantee her victims are sad too. Put yourself in the child's shoes and think what it would feel like to be pushed and hit by someone else because they're having a "really tough time".

Anonymous wrote:You’re mean OP. My daughter has a really tough time on play dates and pushes and hits. I feel really sad about this and we are working on the behavior at home. I would feel terrible if she was no longer invited over. Put yourself in the moms shoes. Tell her your concerns don’t just exclude a freaking kid.

Your child hits and pushes and others should just put up with it while you work through it?! Did you really just type that and think, “this is rational”?! Because it is not! You should step up and see that your daughter is not ready/able to have play dates at this time, and realize that she will be one day soon, and when that time comes, you do not want to have alienated all of her potential friends.

Yes, Id be offended and rightfully so. I'm sorry, you're wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Invite the other child.

This.

You’re mean OP. My daughter has a really tough time on play dates and pushes and hits. I feel really sad about this and we are working on the behavior at home. I would feel terrible if she was no longer invited over. Put yourself in the moms shoes. Tell her your concerns don’t just exclude a freaking kid.

And, this is how mean kids and cliques form. Don't wonder later why you kid acts the way they do as they learned it from mom.

Just came to say OP don’t be a poop head. Invite the mom and her kid.

Op what did you decide to do?

Yeah, I’d be offended. The kid is four doing what four year olds do—push boundaries—I seriously doubt it is personal. I would talk to the mom and brainstorm options for keeping both kids safe in play dates and at the party, and I’d invite the child. And for goodness sake, if you decide not to invite the child, talk to the mom proactively about it.

I would be offended that you didn't have the decency to explain the situation to me. Your passive aggressiveness is stunning, OP. Do prepare to be dropped from the group.

Anonymous wrote:How in the world do you wrap your mind around the notion that it’s nothing against them when you are excluding them because of who they are?

NP. In theory, I get this-- I have thought at times that either 1) the kid in question is not behaving "badly," nor did I think ill of them or that they were an inherently "bad kid"/had "bad parents," but the situation just wasn't working out at the time and/or 2) the issue was truly that my kid and the other kid had a bad dynamic going, and it was at least equally my kid's "fault."

Buuuuuuuuttttt in this case, with the desire to passive-aggressively exclude and the phrasing of the rest of the post, it's definitely "something against them."

Seriously! Just talk to the other mom! A mom in my group approached me about some struggles her kid was having that my kid wasn’t directly responsible for but was definitely contributing to. I wasn’t aware of the issue but once she brought it to my attention, I could see it. We figured out some solutions including me hovering a bit more to either gently guide or immediately correct my kid as needed. Things got better fairly quickly. The other mom and I got to be even better friends. Open your mouth and talk.

You should invite the kid and have a talk with the mom, telling her you've notice her son hits yours etc and that this needs to be addressed.

How in the world do you wrap your mind around the notion that it’s nothing against them when you are excluding them because of who they are?

One of the primary reasons for play groups like this is to guide the children through these normal social learning curves and behaviors and to teach each of them to behave better and to handle peers behaving badly. No child comes out of the womb evil or perfect, and everyone ebbs and flows. Your job as a group of parents is to guide them through it. Invite the child and do your job.