Anonymous wrote:In reply to "Maybe, a parent is not enabling a person to be a successful adult if that person does not experience privacy until legal adulthood."


I used to think that way. My son is almost 14. He started texting at 12. Here are some of the delights I've seen (not all from him):

"The vape shop near the school will sell to us"
"Can I touch your boobs?" (The girl that received this gave hell back - good for her!)
"Wat up, [n-word]?"
"She's a slut"
"I hope [Kid Y]'s neighbor doesn't tell his mom we were out on the fire escape"

Plus rampant homework sharing that is straight up cheating not collaboration. And curiosity about drugs.

One kid now understands to take it all to Snap.

Almost all of these kids are in fact nice, have involved parents, and are going to do fine in life, but I thank the gods every day that I have a way to know this is going on. Each thing has sparked a conversation. So why should I stop? I tell myself that once we go 6 months of consistent good judgment, I can stop, but we most certainly aren't there yet! Here's hoping that high school brings sense, but that is utterly counterintuitive.

Am I seriously the only one?

Anonymous wrote:I teach middle school and my opinion is that you need to check their phones. We have to waste so much time in school dealing with phone issues. I have had female students make pornos of themselves and send it to boys. Then we have to get the police involved. It is out of control. I always tell parents during conferences to check their child's phone. I don't think most of you have any clue what is really going on.

Anonymous wrote:I was monitoring (very occasionally) till about 15 when I realized she had a whole other system that she was texting/group chatting on. Something I had never heard of. I now think many kids do that. We think we are checking but we are not in the right place.

Anonymous wrote:Agree too with previous poster and this exactly how we handle things. This whole try to control everything and prevent them from making mistakes way of parenting drives me crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reply to "Maybe, a parent is not enabling a person to be a successful adult if that person does not experience privacy until legal adulthood."


I used to think that way. My son is almost 14. He started texting at 12. Here are some of the delights I've seen (not all from him):

"The vape shop near the school will sell to us"
"Can I touch your boobs?" (The girl that received this gave hell back - good for her!)
"Wat up, [n-word]?"
"She's a slut"
"I hope [Kid Y]'s neighbor doesn't tell his mom we were out on the fire escape"

Plus rampant homework sharing that is straight up cheating not collaboration. And curiosity about drugs.

One kid now understands to take it all to Snap.

Almost all of these kids are in fact nice, have involved parents, and are going to do fine in life, but I thank the gods every day that I have a way to know this is going on. Each thing has sparked a conversation. So why should I stop? I tell myself that once we go 6 months of consistent good judgment, I can stop, but we most certainly aren't there yet! Here's hoping that high school brings sense, but that is utterly counterintuitive.

Am I seriously the only one?

Of course you should be having conversations about all those things, all the time. But you don't need the evidence from reading your kid's phone to tell you that. They drink, they try drugs, they go where they shouldn't go, they overstep lines sexually. And it seems like these texts are not ones that your kid specifically wrote, but that you've seen in group chats? I wrestle with this stuff, too, but I keep coming back to wanting to allow my teen privacy, as I had privacy, because privacy and autonomy is critical to a sense of self, and is developing it is part of the work of being a teenager. So I have uncomfortable conversations with my son about porn, consent, drugs, etc. all the time - I find some excuse like an article or a piece on NPR or a book I'm reading, and I'll start a conversation. We are all different, but that seems more palatable to me than reading his texts. He has an expectation of privacy. He also has an expectation that his mom is going to make him talk about girls and sex and drugs, and that I know what kids are doing in general, and that I assume this is the world he lives in.

As an aside, I saw a review of the animated show Big Mouth, which is about puberty. I saw on Common Cause Media that is is RAUNCHY, but also very educational. So we watched some together, and my son loves it and watches it by himself, too. It is indeed super raunchy, and I found it kind of shocking. I assumed that some of the content (sex dolls, circle jerks, every bad word you have ever imagined) was new to my young teen. I told him I was uncomfortable with some of it, and he looked at me pityingly and patted my arm and said "Oh, Mom. There was nothing in that show I hadn't heard before." Private school, straight A, clean cut boy from a well-educated family. If you have a 13-15 year old, I would (hesitatingly) recommend the show - the messaging is great, even if the story lines and their language is, well, super raunchy.

Anonymous wrote:In reply to "Maybe, a parent is not enabling a person to be a successful adult if that person does not experience privacy until legal adulthood."


I used to think that way. My son is almost 14. He started texting at 12. Here are some of the delights I've seen (not all from him):

"The vape shop near the school will sell to us"
"Can I touch your boobs?" (The girl that received this gave hell back - good for her!)
"Wat up, [n-word]?"
"She's a slut"
"I hope [Kid Y]'s neighbor doesn't tell his mom we were out on the fire escape"

Plus rampant homework sharing that is straight up cheating not collaboration. And curiosity about drugs.

One kid now understands to take it all to Snap.

Almost all of these kids are in fact nice, have involved parents, and are going to do fine in life, but I thank the gods every day that I have a way to know this is going on. Each thing has sparked a conversation. So why should I stop? I tell myself that once we go 6 months of consistent good judgment, I can stop, but we most certainly aren't there yet! Here's hoping that high school brings sense, but that is utterly counterintuitive.

Am I seriously the only one?