Anonymous wrote:Military school great idea. Do it now while you still have power (he’s a minor) o

Agree.
And make sure you tell your other son you appreciate him, I bet he is a sweet kid.

Thank you everyone. Your empathy and suggestions have meant a lot.

Anonymous wrote:Can people stop focusing on what a “good man” looks like to them? Another thread. This woman is in pain. Her husband is in pain. Please help her without making it some argument over how people should act when difficult things happen.

Her husband is avoiding the pain. OP is taking on the pain by herself.

OP, if it’s any consolation, we were in your shoes a few years ago. DS’ therapist suggested therapeutic boarding school. We eventually went for an Outward Bound camp, one of their specialized camps for troubled kids, to see whether that would be enough. It did work a good change for a few years.

I also believe that simply growing up helps a lot. At Outward Bound, parents had to spend a day listening to presentations, and one of them was about how frontal cortex immaturity combines with high testosterone to cause excessive risk-taking. I believe they even said that the high testosterone lowers serotonin and exacerbates any tendency to depression, though I could be wrong about that (or the 20-something counselors doing the presentation could have been wrong; in any case, this isn’t gospel). But eventually the brain matures and testosterone levels fall. Of course, I get that it seems like forever right now, and you don’t want him to wreck his life before he’s 25.

DC is now in college and, more importantly, has a really good relationship with us. College has been a bit rocky—DS is still working on psychological issues and adjusting meds. But he is in a challenging college and a very challenging program, and he talks to us about what he needs. So, a light at the end of the tunnel for you?

Anonymous wrote:He’s self-medicating if he’s smoking weed. Get him on the right prescription meds and you’ll likely see a different child. I know that’s harder done than said, but I’ve watched three adults do a 360 after quiting pot for anti anxiety meds.

Np: do you mean a 180? 360 brings them back around to where they were...

Anonymous wrote:Stories like this is why I am NOT having any children.

so why are you on the Tweens and Teens board?

Anonymous wrote:Can people stop focusing on what a “good man” looks like to them? Another thread. This woman is in pain. Her husband is in pain. Please help her without making it some argument over how people should act when difficult things happen.

Take your defense of loser ‘child’ men to another thread please.

Hi, Have you tried PMT (parent management training)? I only recently heard about this, but it is supposedely very helpful where many other programs fail.
I am also reading about 'parenting defiant children/ODD' right now. Even if it is not ODD, perhaps some would be helpful to you.
I'm so sorry, OP

Can people stop focusing on what a “good man” looks like to them? Another thread. This woman is in pain. Her husband is in pain. Please help her without making it some argument over how people should act when difficult things happen.

I’m so sorry your husband isn’t helping you address this. Your child should have both parents actively involved in his upbringing.

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried an intensive outpatient program? It may be more likely to be covered by insurance / cheaper than a therapeutic school. Hang in there.

He really needs inpatient. The whole family needs him to be inpatient. It won’t be cheap and insurance won’t pay for a lot of it if any, but he should go.
Cash out some retirement or savings, hit up family and send him.

Anonymous wrote:He’s self-medicating if he’s smoking weed. Get him on the right prescription meds and you’ll likely see a different child. I know that’s harder done than said, but I’ve watched three adults do a 360 after quiting pot for anti anxiety meds.

Not necessarily. It can a lot more difficult than that and it’s wrong to tell her that if she had the right combination of pills he’d be all fixed up and perfect.
Of course he should be in counseling - preferably a residential school based program somewhere honestly - but a pill combo isn’t going to fix this. He’s going to have to do some serious work to turn things around.
If he is self medicating you should look into residential programs with psychiatric support , counseling and yes meds, not military school.

I had a friend whose dad was a psychiatrist - a good one - who was an angry angry mess as a teen and before that too. Kicked out of schools nonstop , very angry, some drugs, etc. Her dad could not just ‘fix her up’ with meds - she eventually did the work as a young adult (much therapy, group therapy, other things) and she’s now a really great person who has a successful relationship, many many friends and a great job. And she loves her parents.

Have you tried an intensive outpatient program? It may be more likely to be covered by insurance / cheaper than a therapeutic school. Hang in there.

A troubled boy needs a strong role model and bond with his father. A mom can't fill those shoes.

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with an asshole sibling and she became an asshole adult. Sometimes your kid is just a jerk. I am not writing this to hurt you, or to judge you. I’m writing this because I have watched my Parents agonize over my sister my entire life.

Do what you think is best, cross your fingers, hope he outgrows this, but do not make yourself feel like you’re life is ruined. Honestly, you may want to consider getting a job. Just to get out of the house and put your mind on something totally unrelated to this dynamic.

Agreed - give them 18, maybe 21 years and then realize that you’ve done all you can.
Start focusing on your kids who are living a positive life and stop trying to fix the other kid.