Find friends who live close by. I can't tell you how helpful it's been to have my kids in the walkable preschool / elementary school (and we are in the suburbs) - especially as the kids get older and can carpool etc, having that backup in the neighborhood is KEY. I don't know why it becomes an issue when other friends may live as little as 10-15 minutes away, but that's been my experience, FWIW.

OP, I have to (delicately) agree with some of the posters that are saying maybe your expectations are a little high, especially with the birthday lunches (outside of milestone days) and Mother's Day greetings. And I agree, again with all sympathy to you and not being harsh, that Facebook isn't the best way to ask for help. Calling close friends directly or directly texting a smaller group would work better.

I think I have what you would call a village, but when I had surgery, my husband had to work from home and we had to hire a basic army to make things run smoothly (childcare, house care, pet sitter). My friends have their own young children and couldn't take over.

When something like jury duty comes up, I can't rely on other moms to swoop in for school pickups or backup care, it's just too logistically complicated. Doesn't mean they don't care or aren't my friends. I have to hire someone.

I mean, kids are a choice. And you made this choice knowing your circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry no one even texted you to check. Maybe they didn’t want to bother you while you were recuperating? Sometimes I don’t like to message people right after a birth/surgery/etc bc I feel like I’m making one more demand on an already stressed person.

I have to say, I don’t understand why your DH went on his trip after your surgery....? It sounds like you need to go out of your way to ask for more help, in general.

It sounds like you have a lot of energy if you are working, taking care of kids, AND hosting showers, making meals and care packages, taking friends to lunch, etc. Not everyone has that energy. Some people (specifically all those other people you know with no village) just don’t have the bandwidth for anything beyond work and their own family. Maybe people assume you are really independent and capable and don’t need much help.

I also want to say - and this is more toward some other posters and not so much OP - it does bother me a little when people invoke “the village.” It always seems to be brought up by working moms who have hit a crisis and then wonder where their “village” (aka group of women who provide free childcare and household help at a moment’s notice) is.

This. From what OP described, she wanted free childcare when her husband had an illness.

I agree with this. My spouse and I both had intense jobs, once upon a time, and there was always something coming up - especially once the kids got out of the predictable daycare years. We decided that one of us would stay at home, as we had no family support and are not from this area originally. It was a really great decision for our family's quality of life, and I know many other couples like us in our close-in neighborhood. The people who whine about not having a village almost always are FT dual WOHPs making good money.

I agree with the other sentiment that people in our generation probably underestimated the importance of living near family, but there are a lot of economic factors that are different than when our parents were raising us.

OP, Facebooks posts aren't for friends, they're for acquaintances. Why didn't you text people asking for help? Also, where are your old friends? They may not be physically close, but why couldn't they call to see how you're doing or send a care package?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

Same situation here re: no village.

Here is what I did:
* actively seek out other mothers without a village. You are prib attracted to nice smiley women with families in the area who help. They are lovely, but they are not your village. Look for women who don't have a village. Candidly discuss trading childcare. It works.

OP here. I totally agree with this. And actually I do seek out women to be friends with who don't have any local family here/are new to the area, because they have more time to get together. than those who do have family in the area.

I'm not looking for childcare help. I'm looking for warm, caring friends who care about me. Here's the kind of things I do for others: send care packages if they've had a major illness/been in the hospital, take my friends out for lunch on their birthday, bring by a Mother's Day gift on Mother's Day, bring home-baked cookies on Christmas, check in with them daily by email/text if they or their kids are sick, host baby showers, host holiday meals.

I feel like they don't do anything in return, and it bothers me. I don't need babysitting help, I need a friend who cares enough to check in and see how I'm doing the day after surgery when they know my DH is on a business trip.

Here's another example: a few years ago I was in a car accident. DH was on a business trip, so I had no one. I posted a FB message from the ER asking if anyone could pick me up so I wouldn't have to take a cab home. No one responded. Do you know how terrible that made me feel?

OP: In the nicest possible way, I think you may have overblown expectations for friendship in the context of parenting a young family. We are in DC with 3 children under 5, two FT+ jobs and no family anywhere nearby; my family is 4ish hours away, but little help practically-speaking, and DH's family is on the other side of the world. For practical help, we have a nanny; we couldn't do it otherwise. She watched our older children for a few nights when our youngest was born, for example. She can also come early or stay late if we have work conflicts or an evening event. If we were trying to manage around daycares + babysitters, I don't think we could do it. We are lucky that we have a few of my college friends in the neighborhood who we can definitely reach out to as needed; similarly, we have become close to the family of our oldest DD's BFF and wouldn't hesitate to reach out to them for kid-related stuff. None of those people bring me random gifts or take me out to lunch for my birthday. However, one did respond to an SOS text by driving an hour, in the evening, to a nearby city to pick us up when we got locked out of our car in the winter. She is awesome. But she would never check in with me daily if my kids were sick. She has her own 3 kids! Who has time for daily check ins with anyone? Ask for the help you need, but don't hold it against people that they don't spontaneously show up bearing gifts. Don't assume you have no village because no one saw your FB message in time to pick you up from an ER; ask specific people via text to do that next time. Lots of people won't volunteer for the annoying favor if it looks like lots of folks could do it (even assuming they happened to see your FB message, which isn't a great assumption); many people will step up to the plate if you ask them to specifically.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry no one even texted you to check. Maybe they didn’t want to bother you while you were recuperating? Sometimes I don’t like to message people right after a birth/surgery/etc bc I feel like I’m making one more demand on an already stressed person.

I have to say, I don’t understand why your DH went on his trip after your surgery....? It sounds like you need to go out of your way to ask for more help, in general.

It sounds like you have a lot of energy if you are working, taking care of kids, AND hosting showers, making meals and care packages, taking friends to lunch, etc. Not everyone has that energy. Some people (specifically all those other people you know with no village) just don’t have the bandwidth for anything beyond work and their own family. Maybe people assume you are really independent and capable and don’t need much help.

I also want to say - and this is more toward some other posters and not so much OP - it does bother me a little when people invoke “the village.” It always seems to be brought up by working moms who have hit a crisis and then wonder where their “village” (aka group of women who provide free childcare and household help at a moment’s notice) is.

This. From what OP described, she wanted free childcare when her husband had an illness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

Same situation here re: no village.

Here is what I did:
* actively seek out other mothers without a village. You are prib attracted to nice smiley women with families in the area who help. They are lovely, but they are not your village. Look for women who don't have a village. Candidly discuss trading childcare. It works.

OP here. I totally agree with this. And actually I do seek out women to be friends with who don't have any local family here/are new to the area, because they have more time to get together. than those who do have family in the area.

I'm not looking for childcare help. I'm looking for warm, caring friends who care about me. Here's the kind of things I do for others: send care packages if they've had a major illness/been in the hospital, take my friends out for lunch on their birthday, bring by a Mother's Day gift on Mother's Day, bring home-baked cookies on Christmas, check in with them daily by email/text if they or their kids are sick, host baby showers, host holiday meals.

I feel like they don't do anything in return, and it bothers me. I don't need babysitting help, I need a friend who cares enough to check in and see how I'm doing the day after surgery when they know my DH is on a business trip.

Here's another example: a few years ago I was in a car accident. DH was on a business trip, so I had no one. I posted a FB message from the ER asking if anyone could pick me up so I wouldn't have to take a cab home. No one responded. Do you know how terrible that made me feel?

First off, I think this no village thing just totally sucks and I really am sorry.

But....and I don’t know how to say this.... the things you describe above are a little odd. None of my friends celebrate mother’s day with me. That wouldn’t make sense. Mother’s Day is for spending with their kids and their moms, not bringing presents to other mom friends.

Similarly, my friends and I don’t do much for each other on actual holidays. We might share cards or do an activity together in December, but also maybe not. Everyone is swamped that time of year.

My friends did bring food and check in on me via text when I had a car accident recently though. It was very kind of them. But it was a pretty bad accident and in the course of a couple months recovering I got a handful of texts and Two meals. Which was WONDERFUL! But it also wasn’t like an army showed up to help or anything. We had to hire and pay for a lot of help to get us through my recovery.

Anonymous wrote:We are in the same position but sometimes you have to make your village. next time fly a grandparent in to help, hire someone to manage the kids, or have DH cancel his trip. Make friends, treat them well and ask for help when you need it.

+1. Yes, your DH should have canceled his work trip. A friend can only do so much.

I’m in the same boat. I have no village either and my family is in Asia. DH has no family members. I find that working full time plus taking care of two kids leave me with little time to develop that kind of close friendships. We are constantly stressed and busy.

OP, I’m sorry no one even texted you to check. Maybe they didn’t want to bother you while you were recuperating? Sometimes I don’t like to message people right after a birth/surgery/etc bc I feel like I’m making one more demand on an already stressed person.

I have to say, I don’t understand why your DH went on his trip after your surgery....? It sounds like you need to go out of your way to ask for more help, in general.

It sounds like you have a lot of energy if you are working, taking care of kids, AND hosting showers, making meals and care packages, taking friends to lunch, etc. Not everyone has that energy. Some people (specifically all those other people you know with no village) just don’t have the bandwidth for anything beyond work and their own family. Maybe people assume you are really independent and capable and don’t need much help.

I also want to say - and this is more toward some other posters and not so much OP - it does bother me a little when people invoke “the village.” It always seems to be brought up by working moms who have hit a crisis and then wonder where their “village” (aka group of women who provide free childcare and household help at a moment’s notice) is.

We are in the same position but sometimes you have to make your village. next time fly a grandparent in to help, hire someone to manage the kids, or have DH cancel his trip. Make friends, treat them well and ask for help when you need it.

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

Same situation here re: no village.

Here is what I did:
* actively seek out other mothers without a village. You are prib attracted to nice smiley women with families in the area who help. They are lovely, but they are not your village. Look for women who don't have a village. Candidly discuss trading childcare. It works.

OP here. I totally agree with this. And actually I do seek out women to be friends with who don't have any local family here/are new to the area, because they have more time to get together. than those who do have family in the area.

I'm not looking for childcare help. I'm looking for warm, caring friends who care about me. Here's the kind of things I do for others: send care packages if they've had a major illness/been in the hospital, take my friends out for lunch on their birthday, bring by a Mother's Day gift on Mother's Day, bring home-baked cookies on Christmas, check in with them daily by email/text if they or their kids are sick, host baby showers, host holiday meals.

I feel like they don't do anything in return, and it bothers me. I don't need babysitting help, I need a friend who cares enough to check in and see how I'm doing the day after surgery when they know my DH is on a business trip.

Here's another example: a few years ago I was in a car accident. DH was on a business trip, so I had no one. I posted a FB message from the ER asking if anyone could pick me up so I wouldn't have to take a cab home. No one responded. Do you know how terrible that made me feel?

I think its hard to have a village mentality when you work FT. Im not being snarky, i work FT but do shift work so have 2/3 days off mid week each week. I moved to MD in 2010 and literally had no friends. Adopted DD in 2012 and joined a moms group in 2013. They became my village. But it started out doing stuff as Moms during the week. We also have really nice neighbors.

Anonymous wrote:Are you the sort of person who would join a church? That tends to provide an instant village.

I was in your position, OP, years ago. I had friends, but nobody I felt like I could call in an emergency. We just muddled through. It gets easier as the kids get older.

It doesn't always work. We joined a congregation. Were extremely active for nearly 15 years. I taught RE for 12 of them, we both sat on committees, I chaired a few along the way. We signed up to be clean up at the annual gatherings. We brought food to people when they needed it and were on call for rides...time, talent, treasure….. Then when we hit a cluster of events, nothing. It was heartbreaking. There were quite a few practical reasons- church had a new minister, volunteerism was at a low point, spread out across the county. But is still stung quite a bit and still does 3/4 years later. Basically, things fell through the cracks and we were one of the casualties. I miss it terribly.

Anonymous wrote:Are you the sort of person who would join a church? That tends to provide an instant village.

I was in your position, OP, years ago. I had friends, but nobody I felt like I could call in an emergency. We just muddled through. It gets easier as the kids get older.

+1. I made a couple friends in baby playgroups but few really clicked as lifelong friends. When I started attending my church - that's when I made the kind of girlfriends who helped me out when a child was hospitalized and hosted my baby shower. It was a real connection. If you are open to a church, I would consider visiting a few and seeing if you can find one with the right vibe for you.