This is OP. Things unfortunately are no better. Mom now has delusions that her apartment is infected by swarms of insects. According to her there are at least five different varieties of insects loose there: ticks, beetles, lice, bedbugs and some other undetermined variety. Exterminators turn up nothing. She's furious that no one else sees/finds them because they are "burrowing into her skin." It's time for her to live in a sheltered environment but my father is unwilling to take action. I live out of state and don't really know what to do here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She just sounds like a mean old woman. Experience speaking here, if she had dementia you would know it, my 85 year old mother has denentia and there is no way she could travel alone or even put a whole conversation together to make him cry. Sure she says mean things and is paranoid, but it is surrounded by such nonesense there is no way to actually be offended.

Not true, my MIL had early onset and we didn't know it. We knew something was off but thought it was something else and not dementia.

Early stages looks like meanness and lying.

What kid of lying? My mother has turned into a pathological liar rewriting even the immediate past. One could call it gaslighting I suppose, but it is downright fabrication and she does it way more than she ever did in the past.

Saying they did not do something, that just happened, when it did (and you were there to see it). Antagonizing people.

Personality disorders are different, and may have already existed, but can be exacerbated by dementia.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She just sounds like a mean old woman. Experience speaking here, if she had dementia you would know it, my 85 year old mother has denentia and there is no way she could travel alone or even put a whole conversation together to make him cry. Sure she says mean things and is paranoid, but it is surrounded by such nonesense there is no way to actually be offended.

Not true, my MIL had early onset and we didn't know it. We knew something was off but thought it was something else and not dementia.

Early stages looks like meanness and lying.[b]

+1

Anonymous wrote:Anger and loss of emotional control is often the first step in dementia.

x100000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She just sounds like a mean old woman. Experience speaking here, if she had dementia you would know it, my 85 year old mother has denentia and there is no way she could travel alone or even put a whole conversation together to make him cry. Sure she says mean things and is paranoid, but it is surrounded by such nonesense there is no way to actually be offended.

Not true, my MIL had early onset and we didn't know it. We knew something was off but thought it was something else and not dementia.

Early stages looks like meanness and lying.

What kid of lying? My mother has turned into a pathological liar rewriting even the immediate past. One could call it gaslighting I suppose, but it is downright fabrication and she does it way more than she ever did in the past.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She just sounds like a mean old woman. Experience speaking here, if she had dementia you would know it, my 85 year old mother has denentia and there is no way she could travel alone or even put a whole conversation together to make him cry. Sure she says mean things and is paranoid, but it is surrounded by such nonesense there is no way to actually be offended.

Not true, my MIL had early onset and we didn't know it. We knew something was off but thought it was something else and not dementia.

Early stages looks like meanness and lying.

Anonymous wrote:We finally got my mom into a residential place after she fell and couldn’t get up. Even then I had to threaten to call the police to get her to agree to go to the ER with me. She never went home again, and got thrown out of two nursing homes and at the third one I told her the next one might be in a several hours away and we’d visit her now and then. She didn’t have full on dementia, though. I’d ask for advice from her county’s department of health and human services. It sounds terrible and there’s not a lot you can do until there is a real crisis. I’m sorry.

Why was she thrown out of two nursing homes? I work in one and that would be very rare - there would have to be aggression, violence, etc. that was unmanageable. Was she being abusive to staff and residents?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly hope in the future we see more and more continued care facilities popping up and even better regulations to make sure they are good (and better pay for caregivers). It has been nothing short of hell dealing with my parents "aging in place" which really means a huge burden on me. They are nasty, difficult, belligerent and cheap and my siblings just care about preserving an inheritance. They fire people hired to work with them. I wish they had started in continued care when they were independent and we could just move them along as needed and hire mediators to help them get along. I think for the truly difficult elderly we are slowly killing off the younger generation that has to deal with their awful behavior.

Mine are still independent but this exact scenario is most definitely in my future.... Any advice?

I find being direct with parents-at least mine doesn't work. Instead I have to say "so and so's parents moved to this amazing continued care facility. They both were involved in caring for their own elderly parents and didn't want to put their adult children through the misery the went through. It has been a dream. The adult children visit a lot because they can enjoy their parents and not have to worry about taking them to appointments, pushing them to get help, etc. It is all taken care of within the facility."

Have strong boundaries. I got sucked into a lot of stuff and at first they were appreciative, but the more I did the more they expected. I ended up feeling burned out and resentful and then I got labelled selfish for setting limits. I should have been less available from the start.

Ask around about local resources now so you are not starting from scratch when you need to hire nurses, transport, etc.

Read about early signs of dementia, etc. Find out who their doctors are so you can call them when concerned. Confronting my parents ended up with rage fits. You have to circumvent them if they are difficult and nasty. The evaluation is essential because then it becomes doctors orders to stop driving, stop cooking on the stove, etc. They get these evals kicking and screaming if they are anything like my parents.

Anonymous wrote:I truly hope in the future we see more and more continued care facilities popping up and even better regulations to make sure they are good (and better pay for caregivers). It has been nothing short of hell dealing with my parents "aging in place" which really means a huge burden on me. They are nasty, difficult, belligerent and cheap and my siblings just care about preserving an inheritance. They fire people hired to work with them. I wish they had started in continued care when they were independent and we could just move them along as needed and hire mediators to help them get along. I think for the truly difficult elderly we are slowly killing off the younger generation that has to deal with their awful behavior.

Mine are still independent but this exact scenario is most definitely in my future.... Any advice?

I truly hope in the future we see more and more continued care facilities popping up and even better regulations to make sure they are good (and better pay for caregivers). It has been nothing short of hell dealing with my parents "aging in place" which really means a huge burden on me. They are nasty, difficult, belligerent and cheap and my siblings just care about preserving an inheritance. They fire people hired to work with them. I wish they had started in continued care when they were independent and we could just move them along as needed and hire mediators to help them get along. I think for the truly difficult elderly we are slowly killing off the younger generation that has to deal with their awful behavior.

We finally got my mom into a residential place after she fell and couldn’t get up. Even then I had to threaten to call the police to get her to agree to go to the ER with me. She never went home again, and got thrown out of two nursing homes and at the third one I told her the next one might be in a several hours away and we’d visit her now and then. She didn’t have full on dementia, though. I’d ask for advice from her county’s department of health and human services. It sounds terrible and there’s not a lot you can do until there is a real crisis. I’m sorry.

How’d she make the Redcap cry?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for asking. She has had two significant falls, one in which she broke her hip, that led to hospitalizations. These hospitalizations forced her into taking BP medication. She was just recently released from the hospital and they wanted her in some kind of assisted living but of course she refused to go. She's back in her apartment and I hope she's maintaining her medication. She continues to be a real holy terror.

So sorry to hear. I take it she hasn't had an evaluation for dementia?

My hear goes out to you. I have been through with one parent and now the other. You can have adult protective services or a nursing agency do an emergency evaluation to see if she OK for independent living.Usually these people are well trained to deal with difficult elderly. Who has financial and medical power of attorney?

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Maybe our moms can be roomies at assisted living. That would be a hoot...more like a horror show.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish it were a situation where I could just "talk to the doctor." Oh how I wish. My mother goes to doctors constantly, in fact she doctor shops for every complaint under the sun. She has a new doctor every few weeks. Every phone call she tells me about a new bizarre symptom. She regularly fires her doctor(s) and then has a new parade of symptoms/syndromes that she feels have been ignored.

Also, she won't take any medication at all. She has vast paranoias about medications. She's like an anti-vaxxer.
She has very high blood pressure and has stopped taking medication for that. I think the dementia is caused by the BP. The whole situation is beyond belief.

I spend a couple hundred in tips for each visit.

OP my heart goes out to you. i am the one who wrote I so relate. I would rant here about my own parents, but I posted this morning on health and medicine wondering if I was having a heart attack, reflux, gas or panic,. Dealing with them when all the other stresses in my life is the last straw. I can cope with a lot, but the amount of anger, paranoia, anxiety, etc I deal with from them just does me in. Someone on here many months ago said she had to stop trying to protect her parents from themselves and just focus on protecting the world from them (e.g. making sure they are safe to drive). I have needed to do that to some degree.

I refuse to do this to my kids. I will have clear DNR directives. If I get cancer past a certain age I will opt for palliative. I will monitor my brain yearly after a certain age with cognitive testing, etc and if I go from say mild to moderate Alz. I will fly somewhere it is legal to end it. First I will take the fam on a big trip and I shall eat all.the.desserts since I never eat sugar. Then I shall go on my terms. I do not want to do in the health of everyone around me and I refuse to turn into an anger, bitter and paranoid person.

You think you are in control of your future? Get real. It's very easy to say "I will do this or that" when you reach a certain stage. Unless you've gone through it - you have no idea.

My mother was in perfect health, very active, no mental/acuity issues. One day she's getting ready to go out for lunch, walks across the kitchen and BOOM - a massive stroke. She wound up paralyzed and in a full-care nursing home for the last years of her life. So what would you do in this scenario, since you think you would be in control?

My father had cancer and like most people, he began treatment because he had HOPE to live a bit longer. Slowly but surely his condition got worse. At no point in his journey would he have been able to get on a plane, go somewhere where it was "legal" to end it, nor could he eat lots of desserts due to relentless nausea. When the cancer reached his brain, he became paranoid and angry without any reason whatsoever. (Speaking of euthanization, read up on what is required for this. Getting moderate-level cognitive decline won't cut it, even in countries overseas so be prepared to do the deed yourself.)

You have a LOT to learn about end of life situations and death itself. Get a book by Kubler-Ross and start your education.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for asking. She has had two significant falls, one in which she broke her hip, that led to hospitalizations. These hospitalizations forced her into taking BP medication. She was just recently released from the hospital and they wanted her in some kind of assisted living but of course she refused to go. She's back in her apartment and I hope she's maintaining her medication. She continues to be a real holy terror.

So sorry to hear. I take it she hasn't had an evaluation for dementia?