Anonymous wrote:One of my kids just had a project due that is directly in my area of expertise. I could have helped her knock it out of the park.

But I didn't help my kid other than to ask a few questions like "what's your main point?" and "how are you going to explain it?" Then I let her do it all herself. I suggested she re-read the whole thing for spelling and punctuation errors, but I didn't tell her what to change.

She turned it in as is. More than half of the projects in the class were obviously done by parents. How can kids learn if their parents do the work for them? My child got a decent grade. She would have gotten top grades with my help. But it's all HER work, not mine. As it should be.

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to hear some examples of where parents let their child fail (or potentially fail). We had one example where a parent didn't help a child with a school project. Are there other examples? Other than with schoolwork, I'm having a hard time finding examples in my parenting and I don't really consider myself a "snowplow" parent.

Anonymous wrote:All the analogies have to be with some kind of vehicle? Helicopter...snowplow....?

Ok, I'll play. I am an "automatic-mine-sweeper-with-state-of-art-high-tech-sensors" parent. In other words, I look at my kid with a very clear eye - weaknesses, strengths, passions, future growth - and then look at what he need to do in the next 6 months, year, 4 year etc., to reach goals. Then I ask him what he wants to do, his goals, his dreams etc, and chart out what steps are needed to reach those goals.

To put in the work for short term and long term is my kid's responsibility, not mine. What needs to be done, who are the best resources, what are the best pathways - these do get researched by me and presented to my DC. The grunt work based on the framework is my kid's responsibility. I am not monitoring grades, assignments, exams, tests. I expect a steller report card and highest academic performance through school. I expect a great resume for college with EC, community work etc. I expect that my kid will do that on his own and will ask for help if he needs it. I expect time management and project management skills in juggling every thing. I am available for all logistical support - food, clothes, material, tutors, transportation, fees, research, travelling, medical, college funding - and I am available 24/7. But at the end of it all, if he needs to put in work 5 hours after school every day - I am cool with it.

And if he cannot hack writing his own essays after all the enrichment he has been given over years - he does not deserve to be in college!

Anonymous wrote:You’re hurting your kid if you’re still checking homework or helping with projects by the end of elementary school.

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with learning disabilities who is also moderately gifted. Seeking an adequate education for him has been challenging, because his handicaps are severe enough that he needs a lot of extra time and other accommodations, but at the same time he is academically-inclined and wants to take the most challenging classes. It's hard for some people to understand that a child still has the right to be accommodated for their disabilities even if they are intellectually ready for AP classes.

So I HAVE to be more involved than a normal parent! My husband and I don't have the luxury of choosing, if we want this child to have a half-decent shot at his learning all the things he wants to learn.

I have another child who will be fine, whatever we do or don't do! It's incredible how different they are and it all has to do with executive functioning, not intelligence.

So sometimes more involved parenting is in the best interest of the child, and I don't like seeing these generalizations in the news about how one should step back. That doesn't work for everyone.
+1. It totally depends on the needs of the kid. This is my life as well. People do not understand my involvement though. Think about what a snow plow actually is. It clears a path for people to drive smoothly. I'm not sure that's a bad thing. We are parents after all. Isn't that kind of the point?

Anonymous wrote:I am a snowplow parent and don’t apologize for it or feel bad. Social media allowing me to connect back with people I knew growing up has taught me that who you are as a teen is who you are as an adult and the ones who change are exceptions not the rule.

The kids who were smart, involved, organized, out going and put together as teens are the adults who are still that way and have great careers and have done very well. You can tell by their career choice, place they live, activities they do now, etc. this is the kind of thing you glean not from their over happy posts but the background in the posts and their LinkedIn profiles and in some cases published work, and so on

The kids like me who were in the middle - did ok, got by went to college, got a normal job and so on - stayed the same in adulthood. We may have talked a good game back in the day about having ambition but we weren’t going to do anything to hard to achieve them.

I can also see now but couldn’t see when I was a teen that social skills build on themselves and kids who miss out on developing them at each stage life do end up a bit farther behind the curve each year and catching up becomes very difficult.

I know there are going to be plenty of posts telling me how wrong I am but remember exceptions are what people advertise and talk about. No one brags about the literal millions who do not become exceptions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read an article about “snowplow parenting” , connecting it to the Ivy League admissions cheating scandal. I don’t have the resources to bribe anyone to get anything. However, I recognized myself in these parents. Over involved, controlling, somewhat obsessed. I’m constantly asking about friends, making “suggestions”, ie you should say this, text that. I already have a list of the best colleges and graduate schools for my middle schooler. I know I need to turn it way down, but it’s almost compulsive. I’m admitting this in this cruel space, expecting verbal abuse but hoping for suggestions. Is there a 12 step program from kid addiction?!

I hear you and recognize a little of myself in your post (though, with my great restraint, I waited until dd was a freshman to start searching best college programs-ha)! I guess we just need to focus on the day to day more and recognize they don't need us as much, so we should invest some of that energy elsewhere. Hang in there, and ignore the nasties. You love your kid, and that's cool.