the "GO VSA" dad who yells the entire game

The head injury denier. The keeper just took a knee to the noggin and can't stand up straight, but that dizziness will just go away. She's just a little foggy, but stay in there because the game is close.

The everything is a concussion mom. My U12 daughter headed a volleyball at practice last night to learn proper form, but woke up tired today. Wonder if she might have a concussion. May as well see the Dr again today.

The tent guy. DC is hot in the summer, but not in this tent its not. There are glampers in the Sahara with less protection from the sun. Wait till you see the size of my umbrella, dude. Want something from my Yeti cooler? It still has ice from last summer.

Big hat lady. That square meter of brim on ladies' golf hats has nothing on my sombrero, yo.

The overzealous chaperone. If there's chaperonin' that needs a doin', I'm there. Free trip!

Chaperone with free-range kids. Yes, I'm watching the girls, but I thought it would be okay for them to walk to the gas station to get some snacks. There isn't much around, so it must be safe. Check in with me in the morning.

The over-hydrator. Johnny looked tired today. Wonder if it's because he didn't drink enough today. I'm half way thru my third gallon of the day. Where's the porta-potty?

The snack mom. Orange slices anyone? Ma, we're U19 and we stopped that when we left rec soccer. But we did like your big-ass donuts you brought after practice to celebrate a birthday.

The car pooler. Ya, I'll drive again. You ever gonna take a turn?

New gear dad. Isn't this like the fourth pair of $250 Nike's Tommy has worn this season? It is only March, how is that possible?

The fashionista. Yes, I'm wearing high heels on the sideline, carrying a purse that costs as much as this season's club dues.

The anti-fashionista. Yes, I'm in sweats and sneakers, and you're lucky I threw on a bra today. The ponytail's for you.

The team treasurer. Yes, I may or may not work for some undisclosed three-letter government agency, but club finances require me to have your PayPal credentials and ability to withdraw directly from your checking account. You owed this month, too, but I fixed your shortfall.

The nutritionist. Can the kids really eat this close to a game/this soon after a game/between games/this early in the morning/this late at night?

The speeder. You've been to Poolesville a hundred times to play on a horse pasture, but you still get a speeding ticket mailed to you. Every. Year.

And we're all going to miss all of it when the kids are grown and gone . . .

Anonymous wrote:

The Latin parent who gets overly emotional at any mistake their child has. Encourages their child to dribble the length of the field and never look to pass to a teammate no matter even if its the correct play.

Anonymous wrote:
Th spanish family who's son is obviously 14 with a mustache playing for the same u11 team that his 12 yr old brother plays for.

So I guess for some of you "let's have some fun today" means it's time to trot out your favorite ignorant ethnic stereotypes and try to get a good laugh. 'Cause hey, it's OK to be a racist when you can be anonymous about it, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are great.

What about the parent that yells foul for every contact and claims that the other team is playing dirty.

And the parent that loudly argues about fouls against their kid saying it's just because she's bigger

And their counterpart whose smaller kid flops or goes down at the hint of contact and then can't understand why a foul isn't called every time...

This is hilarious --- lost count of how many I could be.

I would add:

Only me or only my kid Mom --- will only acknowledge their child on the field, will not cheer for the team or any other person on the team.

Not giving up my kids spot parent --- insists that no matter how many kids progress and get better than their child, their kid should remain on their current team.

Do everything parent - in an attempt to curry favor with the coach, this parent does everything the coach needs --- make my hotel reservations, make my flight reservations, collect the funds, buy the tent, my car is in the shop, can you give me a ride to practice. On call 24 x 7.

Old guard parent - quick to indoctrinate new parents to the team on how things work for this team. Doesn't matter if the ideas are good or bad, that's how we do things and don't even think about changing them.

Anonymous wrote:Closely related to 3v3 dad. Who's in for another trip to Disney?!

I know this guy!! And he'll happily coach the Disney team for a small fee and all-expenses-paid trip to Orlando!

It's even better if he wears shorts that are a couple sizes too small for him.

Anonymous wrote:These are great.

What about the parent that yells foul for every contact and claims that the other team is playing dirty.

And the parent that loudly argues about fouls against their kid saying it's just because she's bigger

The mom who never brings her kid to practice and is late to games but still expects them to start and play every minute

The parent that has their kid show up with the wrong jersey/socks on even though 45689 teamsnap alerts were sent with game info well in advance

This is hilarious. This got to be the best thread on this board. Please keep going.....

I want a few hot moms on our team....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wiggling in her chair mom, who writhes and kicks as though she is in her daughter's body and playing the game right along with her. Closely related to the pacer, who walks the sideline, leaning and kicking as though she's on the pitch and/or controlling her child like a voodoo doll.

The photographer. Able to fill a 1 Tb data card per game. Closely related to the iPhone videographer, with shaky video footage from every game since U6.

The statistician. Soccer's Moneyball dude, in real life. Want to know where this goalie dove on the last 17 PKs and the odds she'll go left? He knows.

The "when I played" mom. Everything circles back to how things were "back in the day."

The dad-ref. He referees too, so he must call the game for all those on the sideline, correcting the real ref and explaining why he's wrong.

The linesman chatter-upper. Got a joke or observation, might as well tell the linesman, since I'm sure he wants to have a conversation with random parents while he's working.

The wears shorts no matter the weather dude. 25 degrees, I'm in shorts and sandals. Ignore my blue toes and the fact that I'm freezing my nutz off, cuz I'm in shorts, bro.

The club defender. Defend your child's club at all costs. It is perfect and cannot be criticized. Suggest an improvement or acknowledge something wrong, hellz no, bizatch. We're the best.

The grass is greener guy. Always talking about what another club is doing. Maybe it is better over there. Dude, take your kid there if you don't like it here.

The flirt. Soccer mama's got it goin' on and ain't afraid to show it.

The extra trainer. Lil Johnny practices 4 days a week and has 3 games on the weekend. Wonder if we can squeeze in 2 more days of private training and one day of conditioning.

The guy who turns his hotel room into party central on road trips. Weekend away, I'm turnin' my room into the bar, bro.

Gotsoccer rankings dude. Chasin' points at U9 and lovin' it, baby. We're ranked!

Panera mom. If there is ever a question relating to food during a tournament, is there ever an answer that isn't Panera?

Futsal mom. We're not taking a break from soccer. Ever. If there's a tourney on the East coast, we're going. $1500 for 3 games, we're in. Closely related to 3v3 dad. Who's in for another trip to Disney?!

DA dad. DA rules the roost. Everything not sanctioned by USSoccer is second tier. My kid is going to the national team and was seen by 73 colleges at her showcase. Siamese twin to ECNL dad. And almost all of us crazies here on DCUM.

Amazing!

You forgot - my kid got an “ exclusive invite” to play in Europe this summer which just means free trip for the coaches who convinced me this and all the extra training will get her on a d1 team in 8 years.

Heard that one from a FB escola family last year "they invited both my son and daughter". Wow !! I knew your old club just couldn't see how talented your kids really were !!! hahahaha $$$$$

Closely related to 3v3 dad. Who's in for another trip to Disney?!

I know this guy!! And he'll happily coach the Disney team for a small fee and all-expenses-paid trip to Orlando!

the all-hispanic, dad-coached team

Anonymous wrote:The wiggling in her chair mom, who writhes and kicks as though she is in her daughter's body and playing the game right along with her. Closely related to the pacer, who walks the sideline, leaning and kicking as though she's on the pitch and/or controlling her child like a voodoo doll.

The photographer. Able to fill a 1 Tb data card per game. Closely related to the iPhone videographer, with shaky video footage from every game since U6.

The statistician. Soccer's Moneyball dude, in real life. Want to know where this goalie dove on the last 17 PKs and the odds she'll go left? He knows.

The "when I played" mom. Everything circles back to how things were "back in the day."

The dad-ref. He referees too, so he must call the game for all those on the sideline, correcting the real ref and explaining why he's wrong.

The linesman chatter-upper. Got a joke or observation, might as well tell the linesman, since I'm sure he wants to have a conversation with random parents while he's working.

The wears shorts no matter the weather dude. 25 degrees, I'm in shorts and sandals. Ignore my blue toes and the fact that I'm freezing my nutz off, cuz I'm in shorts, bro.

The club defender. Defend your child's club at all costs. It is perfect and cannot be criticized. Suggest an improvement or acknowledge something wrong, hellz no, bizatch. We're the best.

The grass is greener guy. Always talking about what another club is doing. Maybe it is better over there. Dude, take your kid there if you don't like it here.

The flirt. Soccer mama's got it goin' on and ain't afraid to show it.

The extra trainer. Lil Johnny practices 4 days a week and has 3 games on the weekend. Wonder if we can squeeze in 2 more days of private training and one day of conditioning.

The guy who turns his hotel room into party central on road trips. Weekend away, I'm turnin' my room into the bar, bro.

Gotsoccer rankings dude. Chasin' points at U9 and lovin' it, baby. We're ranked!

Panera mom. If there is ever a question relating to food during a tournament, is there ever an answer that isn't Panera?

Futsal mom. We're not taking a break from soccer. Ever. If there's a tourney on the East coast, we're going. $1500 for 3 games, we're in. Closely related to 3v3 dad. Who's in for another trip to Disney?!

DA dad. DA rules the roost. Everything not sanctioned by USSoccer is second tier. My kid is going to the national team and was seen by 73 colleges at her showcase. Siamese twin to ECNL dad. And almost all of us crazies here on DCUM.

Amazing!

You forgot - my kid got an “ exclusive invite” to play in Europe this summer which just means free trip for the coaches who convinced me this and all the extra training will get her on a d1 team in 8 years.

Anonymous wrote:The wiggling in her chair mom, who writhes and kicks as though she is in her daughter's body and playing the game right along with her. Closely related to the pacer, who walks the sideline, leaning and kicking as though she's on the pitch and/or controlling her child like a voodoo doll.

The photographer. Able to fill a 1 Tb data card per game. Closely related to the iPhone videographer, with shaky video footage from every game since U6.

The statistician. Soccer's Moneyball dude, in real life. Want to know where this goalie dove on the last 17 PKs and the odds she'll go left? He knows.

The "when I played" mom. Everything circles back to how things were "back in the day."

The dad-ref. He referees too, so he must call the game for all those on the sideline, correcting the real ref and explaining why he's wrong.

The linesman chatter-upper. Got a joke or observation, might as well tell the linesman, since I'm sure he wants to have a conversation with random parents while he's working.

The wears shorts no matter the weather dude. 25 degrees, I'm in shorts and sandals. Ignore my blue toes and the fact that I'm freezing my nutz off, cuz I'm in shorts, bro.

The club defender. Defend your child's club at all costs. It is perfect and cannot be criticized. Suggest an improvement or acknowledge something wrong, hellz no, bizatch. We're the best.

The grass is greener guy. Always talking about what another club is doing. Maybe it is better over there. Dude, take your kid there if you don't like it here.

The flirt. Soccer mama's got it goin' on and ain't afraid to show it.

The extra trainer. Lil Johnny practices 4 days a week and has 3 games on the weekend. Wonder if we can squeeze in 2 more days of private training and one day of conditioning.

The guy who turns his hotel room into party central on road trips. Weekend away, I'm turnin' my room into the bar, bro.

Gotsoccer rankings dude. Chasin' points at U9 and lovin' it, baby. We're ranked!

Panera mom. If there is ever a question relating to food during a tournament, is there ever an answer that isn't Panera?

Futsal mom. We're not taking a break from soccer. Ever. If there's a tourney on the East coast, we're going. $1500 for 3 games, we're in. Closely related to 3v3 dad. Who's in for another trip to Disney?!

DA dad. DA rules the roost. Everything not sanctioned by USSoccer is second tier. My kid is going to the national team and was seen by 73 colleges at her showcase. Siamese twin to ECNL dad. And almost all of us crazies here on DCUM.

These are great, but remember, you are also one of the above and likely don't know it. Because EVERYONE on your sideline likely has a similar list in their head and you fit one of the above categories.