Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't be serious? If so, this is one of the most self absorbed, cold posts I have read on here.

It’s not self-absorbed. I don’t think it’s healthy to spend the afternoon with a depressed grandparent as an emotional crutch. The kids do not need to be exposed to this level of depression and morbidity.

This is not for you to say. You can decide that for your own children but not for other people’ children. You are entitled to your opinions. Your opinions are not necessarily right. Mind your own business.

Anonymous wrote:My son’s birthday party is this afternoon. I just got a text from one of the families invited ( Family friends, our kids are the same age) that they aren’t coming... because they decided to visit grandma (local) because she’s depressed - her son, the kids’ uncle - died suddenly last month in her home. Seeing her grandkids makes her happy, so they’re skipping the party today.
I don’t think it’s healthy for the grandchildren to be used as emotional crutches, especially skipping a party where they would see friends they don’t get to see very often. I’m tempted to text back something to that effect but I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship.
Would you say anything?
We’ve got a lot of children coming to the party, so it’s not about the party itself. I just feel bad for the kids that they’re going to miss out on fun and instead have to cheer up grandma, in the house when their uncle died.

OP, here's the thing. It's fine to have an opinion. It's fine to come here and say, "my friend is doing this and IMO it's not a good thing." And we can have a discussion about that. I personally don't agree with your conclusion, but sure, it's possible that you are actually right, and the children are "being used" here.

But what you came here to do is different--you came here to ask, "should I share my opinion with my friend?" And here the answer is, unequivocally and unanimously (rare for DCUM!), "NO." You don't have all the information, your opinion wasn't sought, and no one is in imminent danger of abuse or neglect. Presumably, since this is a friend, you are comfortable enough with her parenting on a regular basis that you aren't generally concerned about her children. So the answer to your question is NO. There is no good reason for you to weigh in here, and doing so could compromise your friendship. Keep your opinion to yourself. At the same time, please remember **you don't have all the information** and therefore by definition your opinion on this is ill-informed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't be serious? If so, this is one of the most self absorbed, cold posts I have read on here.

It’s not self-absorbed. I don’t think it’s healthy to spend the afternoon with a depressed grandparent as an emotional crutch. The kids do not need to be exposed to this level of depression and morbidity.

Your opinion doesn't matter.

What is wrong with you OP?

Anonymous wrote:
It’s not about this party - it’s about kids being used as tools to make someone happy. It’s not healthy.
My mom was depressed when I was a teenager. I missed a lot of parties to make her happy. In hindsight it was emotional abuse. I feel bad for the kids to be used like this.

You are misinterpreting their situation based on your own past. There is a world of difference between your mother's long term depression and a family loss that is only a month ago. If the children's uncle had died 2 years ago and this was a regular occurrence, then it would be closer to your situation.

Leave them alone, do not say anything and enjoy your son's party.

OP, you are projecting an unhealthy interpretation into their situation and message based on your own past. Your interpretation is more a reflection of your own emotional health than theirs. You may be right, but you are more probably wrong. You should not say anything (MYOB) and you should probably seek counseling yourself because it seems like you still have residual issues of your own to resolve.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend / spouse lost a brother and the kids lost an uncle and the grandma lost a son and you are begrudging them spending time together because the kids are missing your party?

Please leave them alone.

It’s not about this party - it’s about kids being used as tools to make someone happy. It’s not healthy.
My mom was depressed when I was a teenager. I missed a lot of parties to make her happy. In hindsight it was emotional abuse. I feel bad for the kids to be used like this.

I'm very sorry for what happened to you, but I don't hear anything to suggest that this is the case with the family you've described.

You're construing that family's situation through the lens of your own experience. It sounds like you're carrying a lot from your past.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely do not do this. Not your business. Say you will miss them at the party, but you understand.

X 1,000,000!
How do you think such an unsolicited opinion from you would be received??

This is me. I just read your update. Sometimes the kids’ entertainment will come second to the needs of adults. That’s life. The kids will learn that family supports each other, even if it involves sacrifice.
Jeez!

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely do not do this. Not your business. Say you will miss them at the party, but you understand.

X 1,000,000!
How do you think such an unsolicited opinion from you would be received??

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thank you for this perspective. Part of the reason for my post is because the text I received was “ grandma is having a hard time dealing with this and seeing the kids makes her happy so we’re not coming to the party.“ It wasn’t about spending time as a family to grieve; the way it came up to me was the kids are being used and probably don’t even want to go see her.

Not only do you want to tell this mom who to parent her child but you want to tell her how to phrase things as well? You read a lot into what others say and do and it seems that most of what you read into things is slanted by your way of thinking. I'm thankful that I don't know you IRL.

Anonymous wrote:
I don’t think it’s healthy for the grandchildren to be used as emotional crutches, especially skipping a party where they would see friends they don’t get to see very often. I’m tempted to text back something to that effect but I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship.
Would you say anything?

No. I would not say anything. You are well within your right not to do things you don't think are healthy but you don't get to decide for others. They may see it as learning to provide support for family instead of being an "emotional crutch." Would you want them to tell you how to parent if the situation was reversed?

WTH, OP!? You are awful Geez!

Anonymous wrote:You are either a troll or you lack the most basic of social skills.

+100

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going to see your grieving grandma after losing your uncle is not about using people as an emotional crutch. People support each other, that is a good thing. Families bond together during times of grief.

Exactly!

OP sounds like a selfish person.

It’s actually the opposite of being selfish. I’m worried about the welfare of children.
1. There’s no goody bags – it doesn’t impact goody bag count.
2. We are over the package amount of attendees, so them not coming saves me money. If I was selfish I would be happy they’re not coming.
3. I am close to my family. And I’ve lost many people in my family. Three of my cousins died in their early 20s – 2 in car accidents and 1 to cancer. I have seen the grieving of a parent when they loose a child. And I’ve seen healthy examples of grieving as well as unhealthy coping.
4. There should be a balance between grieving and allowing your children to have fun. Their grandmother lives 10 minutes away from them, they could go over there before or after the party. This would allow the children to still have some normalcy in their lives.
5. Happiness needs to come from within. Using other people for happiness is only a short term solution, and should not be a coping mechanism.

You are way too involved.

Op, you are so barking up the wrong tree with your “emotional crutch” nonsense that I think you are probably a troll. If not, you have terrible instincts and bad ideas.