I responded on the first page but for some reason this topic interests me so I am going to keep responding. And while I am married, I don't even necessarily like the institution of marriage, though I liked something I read in an American Marriage when the character said something to the effect of: Marriage is the closest thing to what I want. (too lazy to find the exact quote - I should have highlighted it). Anyway - just laying out all my baggage right there up front.

I don't necessarily believe that there is only ONE soulmate for everyone. A lot of people are saying luck and I don't disagree but part of what I consider to be luck is - in right place at the right time. When you're ready to settle down, etc. I think I probably could have married an earlier BF or two if the timing was different. We were too young / I was too immature doing stupid stuff like talking to other guys / etc. But if the timing was different, who knows.

Anonymous wrote:Some women literally marry their first BF and others are looking well into their thirties.

Is it about how good looking you are? Being smarter? Luck? What?

In my case, I think it was goid decision making at a young age (20). Nearly 30 years later, it is the best decision I have made.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women who are better looking, more confident/outgoing/secure in their attractiveness, around more eligible men, and more interested in dating will have an easier time. All things held equal, however, a lot is good fortune.

I think a lot also has to do with knowing the demographic you appeal to. I have had an easier time in love than my sister. I am taller, thinner, and more conventionally attractive. But she has a prettier face and is more outgoing and social. Crucially, however, we have similar tastes in men, but those men tend to go for women more like me. I think she adopted my tastes without considering if they would work for her. She would have done better, for instance, pursuing men who are more likely to value curves.

But a lot of it is still luck IMO.

There is a certain kind of girl/woman who has a lot of luck in terms of dating and marrying early.

From what I observe:

-conventionally attractive. Talk to medium height, thin, natural curves to be feminine but not too curvy
- styles like a “basic b*tch. Conservative and feminine clothing that accentuates body and conveys sexuality without being too in your face. Subtle makeup that highlights features,long straight hair, toned body
- conventional interests. Don’t be quirky. Goths, comic book nerds and geeky girls do not apply.
- be submissive and feminine, no loud mouth feminists or super smart nerdy girls who can out do the guys socially or professionally.
- know how to be subtly sexy, be coy and girly. Project the female energy so guys pick up on it.

I just fell asleep reading your description. I can't imagine meeting anyone that boring IRL

Anonymous wrote:The people I know who married in their early 20s by and large met their spouses through college (or while they were in college) and occasionally even before that.

You need to make it a priority in college to meet someone if that's what you care about. Get in a relationship before the end of senior year.

I've kept in touch with a couple classmates who did that 30 years ago. One is a storybook couple of two brainiacs who are silly in love, kind and deeply embedded in their community. The other married at 22, had three kids and is now (nastily) divorced as well as estranged from two of her kids whose lives have descended into substance abuse and poverty.

Others married people they met later and also had a range of experiences.

Anecdotes can teach us so much!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I don't think marrying your first boyfriend is winning.

Why?

I know a girl who married her first boyfriend that she met at 23. He is smart rich good looking and has a great job. He is also madly in love with her. She couldn’t be happier.

That's a sample of one.

And why do you think it's universally a problem to marry your first BF?

No experience. You're putting all your eggs in one basket with no comparison to what else could be out there for you. See the DCUM thread on marrying young and then wanting out of the marriage in your 40's. But hey, some people would just rather be married than actually have a successful, fulfilling marriage.

I met my future husband at 19. He was my third boyfriend. We have a successful, fulfilling, happy marriage. Married 15 years, together 20, 3 kids.

So now you have a larger sample size.

A lot of it is luck. That can't be overstated enough.

But I think some of it is also whether you like comfort or excitement.

I met my future husband at 19. We clicked right away. We just kept dating and it went well so I never saw a reason to rock the boat. We ended up getting married 5 years into dating and are still happily married now 15 years later.

I think some people would have been bored by that type of monogamy and looked around for someone "better" but I was happy and saw no reason to do that.

1. The grass is not always greener.

2. Luck and coincidence.

3. Having said that, I don't believe people who marry early lower their standards or act out of ignorance/impulsivity.

The people I know who married in their early 20s by and large met their spouses through college (or while they were in college) and occasionally even before that.

You need to make it a priority in college to meet someone if that's what you care about. Get in a relationship before the end of senior year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My single friends who are finding it extremely hard are either a) incredibly selective (he has to be a certain height and income), or b) not really doing anything to meet someone (work long hours, don't do the bar scene or any other singles-friendly activities, don't want to date online).

THIS. I have several single friends that are in their late 30s and early 40s and they are still searching for a man that does not exist. Their lists are crazy!

+1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women who are better looking, more confident/outgoing/secure in their attractiveness, around more eligible men, and more interested in dating will have an easier time. All things held equal, however, a lot is good fortune.

I think a lot also has to do with knowing the demographic you appeal to. I have had an easier time in love than my sister. I am taller, thinner, and more conventionally attractive. But she has a prettier face and is more outgoing and social. Crucially, however, we have similar tastes in men, but those men tend to go for women more like me. I think she adopted my tastes without considering if they would work for her. She would have done better, for instance, pursuing men who are more likely to value curves.

But a lot of it is still luck IMO.

There is a certain kind of girl/woman who has a lot of luck in terms of dating and marrying early.

From what I observe:

-conventionally attractive. Talk to medium height, thin, natural curves to be feminine but not too curvy
- styles like a “basic b*tch. Conservative and feminine clothing that accentuates body and conveys sexuality without being too in your face. Subtle makeup that highlights features,long straight hair, toned body
- conventional interests. Don’t be quirky. Goths, comic book nerds and geeky girls do not apply.
- be submissive and feminine, no loud mouth feminists or super smart nerdy girls who can out do the guys socially or professionally.
- know how to be subtly sexy, be coy and girly. Project the female energy so guys pick up on it.

I do not think height matters one iota if the woman is proportional.

Anonymous wrote:Women who are better looking, more confident/outgoing/secure in their attractiveness, around more eligible men, and more interested in dating will have an easier time. All things held equal, however, a lot is good fortune.

I think a lot also has to do with knowing the demographic you appeal to. I have had an easier time in love than my sister. I am taller, thinner, and more conventionally attractive. But she has a prettier face and is more outgoing and social. Crucially, however, we have similar tastes in men, but those men tend to go for women more like me. I think she adopted my tastes without considering if they would work for her. She would have done better, for instance, pursuing men who are more likely to value curves.

But a lot of it is still luck IMO.

Wow, you are a mean sister.

I'm 40 and have several friends who didn't marry until their late 30s and a few who are in their 40s and have never been married. Those friends are incredibly picky about men and have some issues - low self-esteem, drama -filled, unrealistic expectations about themselves and life, lack of self-awareness, etc. They are all great friends and wonderful women, but they are a MESS when it comes to romantic relationships.

Funny, but most of my friends who ended up marrying in their late 30s married men that they never would've given the time of day to 5+ years earlier.

I'll add a bit.... The women I know who havr the above three traits and also tons of emotional intelligence have had men clamoring for them their entire lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women who are better looking, more confident/outgoing/secure in their attractiveness, around more eligible men, and more interested in dating will have an easier time. All things held equal, however, a lot is good fortune.

I think a lot also has to do with knowing the demographic you appeal to. I have had an easier time in love than my sister. I am taller, thinner, and more conventionally attractive. But she has a prettier face and is more outgoing and social. Crucially, however, we have similar tastes in men, but those men tend to go for women more like me. I think she adopted my tastes without considering if they would work for her. She would have done better, for instance, pursuing men who are more likely to value curves.

But a lot of it is still luck IMO.

There is a certain kind of girl/woman who has a lot of luck in terms of dating and marrying early.

From what I observe:

-conventionally attractive. Talk to medium height, thin, natural curves to be feminine but not too curvy
- styles like a “basic b*tch. Conservative and feminine clothing that accentuates body and conveys sexuality without being too in your face. Subtle makeup that highlights features,long straight hair, toned body
- conventional interests. Don’t be quirky. Goths, comic book nerds and geeky girls do not apply.
- be submissive and feminine, no loud mouth feminists or super smart nerdy girls who can out do the guys socially or professionally.
- know how to be subtly sexy, be coy and girly. Project the female energy so guys pick up on it.

Thus is some misogynistic bullshit.

The women I know who are lucky in love are beautiful, warm, and intelligent. And often cheerful/optimistic people that radiate positive energy. That is it.

Anonymous wrote:My single friends who are finding it extremely hard are either a) incredibly selective (he has to be a certain height and income), or b) not really doing anything to meet someone (work long hours, don't do the bar scene or any other singles-friendly activities, don't want to date online).

THIS. I have several single friends that are in their late 30s and early 40s and they are still searching for a man that does not exist. Their lists are crazy!