OP, "We" don't tell them anything. Your husband tells them. He does all the talking. And he does not say YOU don't want them. He tells them, or he doesn't. If your husband wants these books it's his problem to make it work - add a room on to the house, move, put them in storage, whatever. Or HE gets rid of them.

The problem for me will be getting spouse on board with getting rid of IL's possessions. Thing is, if we wanted or needed whatever item it is that ILs have we would have bought it for ourselves already so we don't need or have space for more stuff. And to be completely honest, we have enough junk of our own that we should go through and toss.

On my end, I am getting a giant dumpster and the vast majority of my parents things will be going into it unless they can somehow be easily sold. Pictures will be digitized and I will give my sister as much of their jewelry as she wants.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sell them. No one has a right to tell you to take their crap

+1

This. MIL wants us to take all her unwanted, useless crap so she wouldn't have to pay to have it trashed. We've been married decades, and have everything we wan/need, so no thank you. Yet, we asked for one thing, and she hit the roof - wouldn't STFU about it. Funny, she had no problem 1.) trying to give us all the crap she didn't want to pay to remove (because that is exactly how she is day to day) and 2.) making a big deal about not giving us the one thing we asked for (which she knew we would take care of, as a family, and would continue to enjoy often for generations, as a family). We have been more than generous with the family through the years, and now we know how she feels, so yeah. She is just a man, bitter person and that is how she will be remembered.

And whatever you do, do not treat your offspring differently, unfairly and/or unequally - THAT is your legacy. Period.

I’m curious to know the one thing you and dh asked for.

I'm sure they did it with a lot of sensitivity to the person whose death was being discussed.

Please don’t distract. Pp of long post, what was the one thing that you asked for that made MIL mad?

A very specific small piece of furniture. MIL would be very happy to read it here and give it to SIL, which I am sure you would love. SILs got the pricey jewelry, large piano and so forth, which is fine, DC doesn't want that. It was DC that asked for it, I think because they know that MIL gushes over their cousins, and DC did not want to be left out. Again. MIL and I don't have much in common, as you can guess, she is not very pleasant in person. You can judge me all you want (isn't that why you asked probing questions), but MIL is not a kind or fair person. Which is the point.

At least OPs ILs want her to have something important to them, not the crap they don't want to pay to have removed. OP can easily choose her IL favorites. Her iLs are making the kind gesture from their hearts, not from some bad place in their heart that was there before OP was in the picture. In my case, MIL has problems that are almost a century old - LONG before me!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sell them. No one has a right to tell you to take their crap

+1

This. MIL wants us to take all her unwanted, useless crap so she wouldn't have to pay to have it trashed. We've been married decades, and have everything we wan/need, so no thank you. Yet, we asked for one thing, and she hit the roof - wouldn't STFU about it. Funny, she had no problem 1.) trying to give us all the crap she didn't want to pay to remove (because that is exactly how she is day to day) and 2.) making a big deal about not giving us the one thing we asked for (which she knew we would take care of, as a family, and would continue to enjoy often for generations, as a family). We have been more than generous with the family through the years, and now we know how she feels, so yeah. She is just a man, bitter person and that is how she will be remembered.

And whatever you do, do not treat your offspring differently, unfairly and/or unequally - THAT is your legacy. Period.

I’m curious to know the one thing you and dh asked for.

I'm sure they did it with a lot of sensitivity to the person whose death was being discussed.

Please don’t distract. Pp of long post, what was the one thing that you asked for that made MIL mad?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sell them. No one has a right to tell you to take their crap

+1

This. MIL wants us to take all her unwanted, useless crap so she wouldn't have to pay to have it trashed. We've been married decades, and have everything we wan/need, so no thank you. Yet, we asked for one thing, and she hit the roof - wouldn't STFU about it. Funny, she had no problem 1.) trying to give us all the crap she didn't want to pay to remove (because that is exactly how she is day to day) and 2.) making a big deal about not giving us the one thing we asked for (which she knew we would take care of, as a family, and would continue to enjoy often for generations, as a family). We have been more than generous with the family through the years, and now we know how she feels, so yeah. She is just a man, bitter person and that is how she will be remembered.

And whatever you do, do not treat your offspring differently, unfairly and/or unequally - THAT is your legacy. Period.

I’m curious to know the one thing you and dh asked for.

I'm sure they did it with a lot of sensitivity to the person whose death was being discussed.

Anonymous wrote:Op how are you going to be able to go through 30k books to determine which are valuable? Going through that many books to try to determine what is worth keeping is a monumental task. Unless you are very knowlegeable about rare books, you will never be able to separate the wheat from the chaff. It is very rare to find a valuable book. Old books rarely have value.

Your ils don't realize that this is no favor.

OP here. Hopefully my father-in-law will leave a note listing all the valuable titles. In the past, he has pointed out a few books to us to let us know those are valuable.

Maybe I should gift my in-laws that "Swedish death cleaning" book (forgot the exact title), but the title is so offensive.

Anonymous wrote:I guess my kids will inherit my internet history then.

i loled

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sell them. No one has a right to tell you to take their crap

+1

This. MIL wants us to take all her unwanted, useless crap so she wouldn't have to pay to have it trashed. We've been married decades, and have everything we wan/need, so no thank you. Yet, we asked for one thing, and she hit the roof - wouldn't STFU about it. Funny, she had no problem 1.) trying to give us all the crap she didn't want to pay to remove (because that is exactly how she is day to day) and 2.) making a big deal about not giving us the one thing we asked for (which she knew we would take care of, as a family, and would continue to enjoy often for generations, as a family). We have been more than generous with the family through the years, and now we know how she feels, so yeah. She is just a man, bitter person and that is how she will be remembered.

And whatever you do, do not treat your offspring differently, unfairly and/or unequally - THAT is your legacy. Period.

I’m curious to know the one thing you and dh asked for.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look OP, you either hurt your inlaws feelings a bit by being upfront before they die. OR you lie to them and get rid of the collection after they die. That's pretty much your choices.

The 3rd choice, accepting, maintaining, and GROWING, an insane collection of books that no one even uses or looks at is completely out of the question.

I'd start letting your DH know your feelings now. I can't believe you'd even consider buying a huge house just to have a home for books you don't even want.

Thank you for your reply, i am OP, I agree with you, it's silly to think that I could build a big house to display the books. I am just a bit scared to bring up this topic to DH or my in-laws. I think they take great pride in their family tradition, and their library is a symbol of knowledge.

I guess I can start talking to my husband about it, then seek an opportunity to discuss it with his parents. I just hate to be the "bad guy" who is bringing this up, as if I am ruining their family tradition. UGH, maybe I'm overthinking this.

And also, they have a lot of "stuff" beside books. How to keep those "stuff" is another topic.

Honestly I would avoid talking about it as much as possible. The time to deal with it is a) if they want to have an explicit conversation as they organize their estate or b) when they're gone.

I guess my kids will inherit my internet history then.

Op how are you going to be able to go through 30k books to determine which are valuable? Going through that many books to try to determine what is worth keeping is a monumental task. Unless you are very knowlegeable about rare books, you will never be able to separate the wheat from the chaff. It is very rare to find a valuable book. Old books rarely have value.

Your ils don't realize that this is no favor.

Tell them you have had all the books scanned onto a flash drive. Then you can burn the actual books.

Anonymous wrote:Look OP, you either hurt your inlaws feelings a bit by being upfront before they die. OR you lie to them and get rid of the collection after they die. That's pretty much your choices.

The 3rd choice, accepting, maintaining, and GROWING, an insane collection of books that no one even uses or looks at is completely out of the question.

I'd start letting your DH know your feelings now. I can't believe you'd even consider buying a huge house just to have a home for books you don't even want.

Thank you for your reply, i am OP, I agree with you, it's silly to think that I could build a big house to display the books. I am just a bit scared to bring up this topic to DH or my in-laws. I think they take great pride in their family tradition, and their library is a symbol of knowledge.

I guess I can start talking to my husband about it, then seek an opportunity to discuss it with his parents. I just hate to be the "bad guy" who is bringing this up, as if I am ruining their family tradition. UGH, maybe I'm overthinking this.

And also, they have a lot of "stuff" beside books. How to keep those "stuff" is another topic.

If they don't ask you point blank about whether you will take the books and maintain the tradition, I would not talk about it much at all. Don't promise something you cannot commit to, be somewhat vague about the lovely tradition, thank you for thinking about us...

If you have kids, keep a decent number of classics, coffee table books, general info books. My kids love to peruse our shelves (with a number of inherited titles) and pull out the random book about lions or butterflies or old children's classics. It's become a Sat morning tradition. They would never do that on a kindle.

Also, look at houzz.com for photos in the "book lovers" category for ideas about shelving that is attractive.

But in no way should you commit yourself to 30k books!

Our "stuff" skips generations. When my grandparents were downsizing, I was just graduating college and needed furniture and loved their MCM furniture. I also got pots and pans and outfitted pretty much my whole house with great basics. My parents were nearing 70 when their parents died and didn't want any material possessions.

For books I would just marie kondo those. They'd make you feel guilty and bring stress into your house.