I don’t deal with my ILs directly. I just tell DH “no, I’m not going, you can if you want”. He won’t, because he doesn’t want to deal with kids and parents alone, but if he did I’d take my own vacation during that time.

For Disney, can both sets of parents go?

Make a budget (money and time) with your husband on what you can spend on trips with the inlaws. If they ever suggest anything reasonable, try to go. If not, "it's not in our budget," or "we don't have the vacation days."

As for Disney, if they actually suggested they'd pay, I think it's right for your DH to tell his parents, "Disney was a big part of DW's childhood, since her dad worked there, so we're saving that trip to do with her parents."

I see 3 big issues:


1) The biggest and most problematic is that you and your DH are not in agreement about budget/trips/family relationships. Many others have given good advice about this so I won’t elaborate.


2) You have a weird hang up about discussing money.... Personally, I would take a break from these trips with the ILs, but eventually, next time you go, you need to discuss the finances. Ask ahead of time about the hotel, itinerary, etc. If your husband won’t ask, it’s fine to send them an email yourself asking for the details. This is a condition of going. You need to put your foot down about going on trips with infinite budgets. And if their hotel is ridiculous, you can also say “That’s out of our budget, but I found a great hotel nearby for half the price! Here’s the link. Let us know if you want to stay there with us.”

Also, if other family members are making comments about how you don’t let the ILs take you on trips - implying the ILs are paying..... You can say, “Unfortunately, we cant afford to go on that trip.” If they push, be even more blunt: “We would need to take money out of our 401K or go into debt to pay for that trip and we are not willing to do that. The kids have been asking about a grandparent visit, I hope they come see us soon!”


3) Stop treating grandparent desires as orders!
Next time you go on a trip, figure out some activities you want to do with the kids to make the day run smoothly. Speak up about naps/schedules and preferences. Say something like “I need to plan something active for the kids that day - would you guys like to join us at the playground next to the Botanical gardens or meet up later?” Basically, start acting like you’re all adults planning a trip together. The current setup sounds more like you’re a little kid and the grandparents are the adults deciding what happens.

Anonymous wrote:Just offering some solidarity since you have some great advice here. My mom “buys us presents”, which actually means that she raises a huge fuss about online shopping being hard and sends me links and asks me to buy things for my daughter for her. And wrap them. And send thank you notes for them. She purchases tons of stuff online for herself, so this isn’t a capability issue. It’s very strange but the cost is so low I just let it go because it’s been going on for years. She still tells me that she’s going to give me something special for my 16th birthday. I’m 42 and she’s been promising since I was 14.

I’m sure there’s a long German word for people who imagine themselves to be giving gifts but make others pay for them.

We must have the same mother.

Just offering some solidarity since you have some great advice here. My mom “buys us presents”, which actually means that she raises a huge fuss about online shopping being hard and sends me links and asks me to buy things for my daughter for her. And wrap them. And send thank you notes for them. She purchases tons of stuff online for herself, so this isn’t a capability issue. It’s very strange but the cost is so low I just let it go because it’s been going on for years. She still tells me that she’s going to give me something special for my 16th birthday. I’m 42 and she’s been promising since I was 14.

I’m sure there’s a long German word for people who imagine themselves to be giving gifts but make others pay for them.

Anonymous wrote:If DH wants to go on trips with his family, you should compromise on that somewhat. Not Disney, but let go of one or two of your smaller weekend trips and do something smaller, shorter with his parents. Don't expect them to pay for you.

And no, don't say anything to his parents when your DH doesn't even agree with you.

This is WRONG. No credit card debt or less retirement to go on badctrip. Visit them or have them visit you. No Debt. This bodes poorly For your family’s future.

This is a DH problem. HEs oriorotozofn his parents feelings over his nuclear family.if they are not lying when they "take you on a trip" then that's ridiculous. No one needs to pay for someone else's vacation but when it's clear you have your budget and stick to it, it's very rude to make you pay for something you did not budget or plan.
Have a long conversation with DH about all of this.

Atlantic City is disgusting, especially with kids. I was just there for my kid’s soccer tournament and I couldn’t wait to leave. Drunk people everywhere. Trash everywhere. No where decent to eat. No one is dressed appropriately. If OP’s in-laws want to go there on vacation that’s all I need to know to side with OP. Just say no.

Anonymous wrote:Tell them that you cannot afford a trip to Disney. If they say that they will pay for it make sure your DH works out the details of exactly what that means - airfare, hotel, tickets, meals - some of that or all of it. Without transparency chaos will reign.

That won’t solve the full problem. DH has to tell his parents that you’ll be going to Disney with your parents. They will likely give you a hard time about it, but just stick to that plan. They are being obnoxious about it, but that’s their problem.

Tell them that you cannot afford a trip to Disney. If they say that they will pay for it make sure your DH works out the details of exactly what that means - airfare, hotel, tickets, meals - some of that or all of it. Without transparency chaos will reign.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any solutions for family going with us to Disney world? DH's family is very, very vocal about wanting to take us to Disney (say it monthly at least). Except I really want to go with my parents since my dad worked there and we went constantly as a kid. My parents are so helpful with the kids too. Right now I just feel like we can't go to Disney because everyone wants to go and we'd be disappointing someone. My older DD would LOVE to go. It's extremely stressful to travel with my ILs and I think it's rude of them to keep demanding Disney when it's obviously something my parents are obsessed with.

"The kids are too little right now, we'll revisit it in a few years!"

Did you miss the updates? OP wants to go to Disney but feels paralyzed because she could hurt someone’s feelings.

The only solution is to get over it and go!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any solutions for family going with us to Disney world? DH's family is very, very vocal about wanting to take us to Disney (say it monthly at least). Except I really want to go with my parents since my dad worked there and we went constantly as a kid. My parents are so helpful with the kids too. Right now I just feel like we can't go to Disney because everyone wants to go and we'd be disappointing someone. My older DD would LOVE to go. It's extremely stressful to travel with my ILs and I think it's rude of them to keep demanding Disney when it's obviously something my parents are obsessed with.

"The kids are too little right now, we'll revisit it in a few years!"

Anonymous wrote:Disney with people who don’t plan ahead sounds like hell on Earth. Do not let your DH cave on this one. Plan a Disney trip when and how YOU want to do Disney. Feel free to invite them, making it clear they’re paying their own way (including meals!) and you have a plan you’ll be sticking to.

Just tell the ILs you’ll be doing Disney with your parents. It’s nice the IL’s want to go, but they have no standing to claim this one. They can go on their own if they are so excited about it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So far our compromise is that we invite inlaws on all of our trips, but they decline every single time. I just can't spend 2k to go to Atlantic City again to eat at Olive Gardens. My time and money are so limited right now.

Bwah ha ha! The Olive Garden sucks so hard, doesn't it? And I'm not even a fancy eater. The last time I ate there, when we walked out I told DD, who was about 8 years old at the time, that I was giving her the most important job of her entire life, and it was to NEVER LET US EAT THERE AGAIN. Not even if we were REALLY hungry. Not even if ANYTHING. And we haven't. That was seven years ago.

(I can deal with Red Lobster once a year, but Olive Garden is especially awful.)

Disney with people who don’t plan ahead sounds like hell on Earth. Do not let your DH cave on this one. Plan a Disney trip when and how YOU want to do Disney. Feel free to invite them, making it clear they’re paying their own way (including meals!) and you have a plan you’ll be sticking to.