Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether you will be able to date again should not factor into your decision to divorce.

The fact that you seem to be unable to be alone suggests you have some issues that need to be addressed.

Fix yourself, then determine if the marriage is saveable.

OP here: I am fine being single forever—as I mentioned. I am not looking to “date”—that is a straight-up boyfriend. That is not what I am looking for. I want a monogamous casual thing a few times a month...pretty much sex only or hanging out at home. I am not interested in going on dates. My concern is that men will want more. I don’t. I have hated being married and it should not have happened. Not salvageable. You did not understand my post.

Ok. Now that you know you can get a regular dicking, feel free to blow up your kids’ lives.

OP here. That is a messed up thing to say. Kids will be fine. Divorce does not have to be traumatic. I
It is when parents are vicious. We will not be. They will not suffer financially and they will see us both a lot. Being in a miserable marriage (from the start) is no way to live the rest of our lives when divorce will happen anyway. Also, this is a bad example of a normal marriage for kids. There will be a transition, but it will not damage them permanently.

Unfortunately, your children are very likely to be damaged because you sound very damaged. You "hated being married" yet you got married and had children anyway. That makes no sense.

Now, you want to continue your dysfunctional relationship style after the divorce, by having a "pretend exclusive" "pseudo 1/2 relationship" with a guy (most likely it will be a series of random guys) but with no interest in any kind of commitment, ever.

You're messed up, very much so--but your kids will be fine.

According to who, other than yourself?

Do you really have that much confidence in your own judgment?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether you will be able to date again should not factor into your decision to divorce.

The fact that you seem to be unable to be alone suggests you have some issues that need to be addressed.

Fix yourself, then determine if the marriage is saveable.

OP here: I am fine being single forever—as I mentioned. I am not looking to “date”—that is a straight-up boyfriend. That is not what I am looking for. I want a monogamous casual thing a few times a month...pretty much sex only or hanging out at home. I am not interested in going on dates. My concern is that men will want more. I don’t. I have hated being married and it should not have happened. Not salvageable. You did not understand my post.

Ok. Now that you know you can get a regular dicking, feel free to blow up your kids’ lives.

OP here. That is a messed up thing to say. Kids will be fine. Divorce does not have to be traumatic. I
It is when parents are vicious. We will not be. They will not suffer financially and they will see us both a lot. Being in a miserable marriage (from the start) is no way to live the rest of our lives when divorce will happen anyway. Also, this is a bad example of a normal marriage for kids. There will be a transition, but it will not damage them permanently.

Anonymous wrote:As someone that committed to a marriage with a partner that wasn’t loyal, I can tell you that marriage is not a solid promise of lifetime partnership. For some people it’s a lifetime death sentence. There are plenty of very helpful relationships where there is no compromise, with monogamy, commitment, and companionship without deceit, manipulation, nor a legal contract that obligated you financially to another person. Marriage isn’t for everyone.

No one is saying OP has to be interested in marrying the guy. That's not the point.

The point is that OP is probably delusional if she goes into a relationship KNOWING that she wants it to be casual and non-serious from the get-go, yet having this expectation that she is going to find a DESIRABLE man who will agree to "exclusivity."

What does that even mean? He has to be "exclusive" until she decides she wants to dump him or date someone else? She alone gets that option?
ridiculous.

OP is a divorced woman in her 40's who apparently just wants casual sex. Fine. Casual sex is inherently "non-exclusive" sex. That doesn't mean the other person or OP is having sex with someone else simultaneously, or all the time. It does mean she is making it very obvious she will dump the guy as soon as a "better option" comes along.

Why should any guy agree to foreclose any of his other options just for OP's convenience? (Even if a guy seems to agree to this, he's probably just a liar, or has no other options.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether you will be able to date again should not factor into your decision to divorce.

The fact that you seem to be unable to be alone suggests you have some issues that need to be addressed.

Fix yourself, then determine if the marriage is saveable.

OP here: I am fine being single forever—as I mentioned. I am not looking to “date”—that is a straight-up boyfriend. That is not what I am looking for. I want a monogamous casual thing a few times a month...pretty much sex only or hanging out at home. I am not interested in going on dates. My concern is that men will want more. I don’t. I have hated being married and it should not have happened. Not salvageable. You did not understand my post.

You shouldn't have any trouble finding that. Plenty of men would be happy with this arrangement. You basically want a FB. No dates, don't wine and dine me, don't say you love me, don't be a daddy to my children. Just come over, chill, have sex, maybe sleep over and leave. It's perfect for so many men. But you will have to guard against the guy who starts wanting more as in a real relationship You need to weed those out at the start with plenty of good, honest, conversation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe what you are really saying is that you want a chance to "play the field" with multiple guys at your option, but maybe have one guy as your "old reliable" "go to guy" when not much else is happening. So 1/2 off the time is your "regular" and the other half you are out slutting around, or trying to.

That's O.K. you do you.

However, no quality, desirable man with any options is going to put up with that sort of treatment.

If you make it clear that you're not interested in getting serious or monogamous, sure, you'll get plenty of guys who just want to you, but you're crazy if you have any expectations that it's you who will get to pick and choose whether, if, when, and on what terms it's anything but that.

+1. The larger point is 100% accurate. Although I don’t think half time when you’re a mother/father really means half time for strange. I think that’s something men tend to do more than women actually. In OP’s case, it really can mean that is all the time you can invest for the new structure of your life, and want to share that with one person, without complication. Every other week. And introducing children creates a completely different dynamic so someone acceptable of that boundary is something to consider. Concluding slutty tendencies for that choice is pretty chauvinistic and harsh.

OK let's say what Op actually meant was 1/2 time with the guy, the other 1/2 is being a mom with her kids due to custody obligations.

Doesn't really make any difference.

Why would OP expect a minimally desirable man with options to commit exculsively or monogamously to a relationship that admittedly is never going anywhere?

Sure, he will date OP, maybe even exclusively, until he finds a better option.

If he doesn't have any other options then they will just muddle along I guess.

But---what's the point?

OP just wants to bang to fulfill casual physical needs, O.K., but what gives her the arrogance to insist that in the other 1/2 of her time when she's doing something else, he can't be with other women?

I mean the sense of entitlement some of these divorcees have knows no bounds.

So much for service members who are committed to their spouse for long stretches and absence; and the marriages where they lay down next to their spouse every night but haven’t been touched in years. Your points tie to very heavy assumptions, and don’t support an objective view.

As someone that committed to a marriage with a partner that wasn’t loyal, I can tell you that marriage is not a solid promise of lifetime partnership. For some people it’s a lifetime death sentence. There are plenty of very helpful relationships where there is no compromise, with monogamy, commitment, and companionship without deceit, manipulation, nor a legal contract that obligated you financially to another person. Marriage isn’t for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:OP obviously wants a one-sided relationship with some chump of a guy who is always available at her whim, but won't seek out other women, while OP gets to do whatever she wants on her terms.

OP, that's probably why you're divorced. You sound rather clueless about relationships and human behavior despite being through marriage and divorce.

You're a divorced woman approaching middle age, you never get to call the shots at all, not with any really desirable male, and certainly, not unless you're willing to be monogamous sexually and emotionally faithful to the guy.

If you're not, then no guy in his right mind is going to look at you as anything other than a casual f*ck.

Not a "1/2 time boyfriend" LOL WTF does that even mean? Again LOL

I think you suffer from A.D.D.

(Another Delusional Divorcee)

OP isn’t divorced yet. She is considering divorce. But she wants to be sure that she won’t be alone when her kids are with their dad, because if she has to be alone, she’ll just suck it up until they go to college, when she can commit to a “full time” boyfriend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe what you are really saying is that you want a chance to "play the field" with multiple guys at your option, but maybe have one guy as your "old reliable" "go to guy" when not much else is happening. So 1/2 off the time is your "regular" and the other half you are out slutting around, or trying to.

That's O.K. you do you.

However, no quality, desirable man with any options is going to put up with that sort of treatment.

If you make it clear that you're not interested in getting serious or monogamous, sure, you'll get plenty of guys who just want to you, but you're crazy if you have any expectations that it's you who will get to pick and choose whether, if, when, and on what terms it's anything but that.

+1. The larger point is 100% accurate. Although I don’t think half time when you’re a mother/father really means half time for strange. I think that’s something men tend to do more than women actually. In OP’s case, it really can mean that is all the time you can invest for the new structure of your life, and want to share that with one person, without complication. Every other week. And introducing children creates a completely different dynamic so someone acceptable of that boundary is something to consider. Concluding slutty tendencies for that choice is pretty chauvinistic and harsh.

OK let's say what Op actually meant was 1/2 time with the guy, the other 1/2 is being a mom with her kids due to custody obligations.

Doesn't really make any difference.

Why would OP expect a minimally desirable man with options to commit exculsively or monogamously to a relationship that admittedly is never going anywhere?

Sure, he will date OP, maybe even exclusively, until he finds a better option.

If he doesn't have any other options then they will just muddle along I guess.

But---what's the point?

OP just wants to bang to fulfill casual physical needs, O.K., but what gives her the arrogance to insist that in the other 1/2 of her time when she's doing something else, he can't be with other women?

I mean the sense of entitlement some of these divorcees have knows no bounds.

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is harder than You’d think. I’m you. Divorced, have 2 older elementary kids. I want a regular exclusive relationship with a guy with no expectation of marriage. Just fabulous sex and fun when we are together... no meeting my kids, no meeting his kids.

This is easy to find for a few months. Then around the 3-4 month mark, they all start falling in love. Want to meet kids. Talk marriage. Uggggghhhh. Sorry, I don’t want that.

Mark my word. The men fall hard and fast, and they are needy and want someone to take care of them.

Not another one! LOL

PP--why do you think you are entitled to an "exclusive relationship with a guy with no expectation of marriage"? Why do you think any remotely desirable male would ever agree to such a thing?

If it's clear you have no expectation of marriage, then by definition, you are saying the relationship is temporary, and intended to be temporary. Why on Earth do you think you are entitled to "exclusivity" from the guy?

You will either end up with guys who are lying to you, and not really "exclusive" (just like you're lying to them, since you seem to have run through a lot of these relationships); or guys who are only investing the time with you in the hopes that they can change your mind (only to be disappointed).

This keeps happening to you, yet, you find fault with the guys, and don't understand what's happening.

What's happening is that even though you SAY you don't want a committed relationship, merely by insisting on exclusivity, (and probably in other ways), you are signalling to these guys that you are at least open to the possibility, when you're really not.

That's called "bait and switch."

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe what you are really saying is that you want a chance to "play the field" with multiple guys at your option, but maybe have one guy as your "old reliable" "go to guy" when not much else is happening. So 1/2 off the time is your "regular" and the other half you are out slutting around, or trying to.

That's O.K. you do you.

However, no quality, desirable man with any options is going to put up with that sort of treatment.

If you make it clear that you're not interested in getting serious or monogamous, sure, you'll get plenty of guys who just want to you, but you're crazy if you have any expectations that it's you who will get to pick and choose whether, if, when, and on what terms it's anything but that.

+1. The larger point is 100% accurate. Although I don’t think half time when you’re a mother/father really means half time for strange. I think that’s something men tend to do more than women actually. In OP’s case, it really can mean that is all the time you can invest for the new structure of your life, and want to share that with one person, without complication. Every other week. And introducing children creates a completely different dynamic so someone acceptable of that boundary is something to consider. Concluding slutty tendencies for that choice is pretty chauvinistic and harsh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of men out there who just want to have a good time with no commitment.

OP here: good. This is what I wanted to hear. Thanks.

+1. And for the record, there are also plenty of men that will be open to a commitment with you too, once that time comes. Good luck! 37yo divorced mom

Actually, there are zero desirable males who will be open to a commitment to a middle aged divorcee who is making it very clear that she is a commitment-phobe.

OP obviously wants a one-sided relationship with some chump of a guy who is always available at her whim, but won't seek out other women, while OP gets to do whatever she wants on her terms.

OP, that's probably why you're divorced. You sound rather clueless about relationships and human behavior despite being through marriage and divorce.

You're a divorced woman approaching middle age, you never get to call the shots at all, not with any really desirable male, and certainly, not unless you're willing to be monogamous sexually and emotionally faithful to the guy.

If you're not, then no guy in his right mind is going to look at you as anything other than a casual f*ck.

Not a "1/2 time boyfriend" LOL WTF does that even mean? Again LOL

I think you suffer from A.D.D.

(Another Delusional Divorcee)

OP, maybe what you are really saying is that you want a chance to "play the field" with multiple guys at your option, but maybe have one guy as your "old reliable" "go to guy" when not much else is happening. So 1/2 off the time is your "regular" and the other half you are out slutting around, or trying to.

That's O.K. you do you.

However, no quality, desirable man with any options is going to put up with that sort of treatment.

If you make it clear that you're not interested in getting serious or monogamous, sure, you'll get plenty of guys who just want to you, but you're crazy if you have any expectations that it's you who will get to pick and choose whether, if, when, and on what terms it's anything but that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether you will be able to date again should not factor into your decision to divorce.

The fact that you seem to be unable to be alone suggests you have some issues that need to be addressed.

Fix yourself, then determine if the marriage is saveable.

OP here: I am fine being single forever—as I mentioned. I am not looking to “date”—that is a straight-up boyfriend. That is not what I am looking for. I want a monogamous casual thing a few times a month...pretty much sex only or hanging out at home. I am not interested in going on dates. My concern is that men will want more. I don’t. I have hated being married and it should not have happened. Not salvageable. You did not understand my post.

Monogamous is unrealistic

Agree. I think the difficulty is finding one willing to be monogamous when he’s only seeing you part time. Unless you find someone with basically the same kid schedule as yours he’s going to want to (and will be able to) go out with other women on your “off” weeks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of men out there who just want to have a good time with no commitment.

OP here: good. This is what I wanted to hear. Thanks.

+1. And for the record, there are also plenty of men that will be open to a commitment with you too, once that time comes. Good luck! 37yo divorced mom