Here's a rundown of the divorced couples I know:

- Late 30s, wife told husband she was a lesbian, 0 kids
- Early 20s, husband really was the scumbag her friends and family warned her about, 3 kids
- Early 30s, wedding guests took bets on how long marriage would last (winner: 6 months), 0 kids

I kind of agree with the theory of several different waves of divorce, because I can see those transitions as emphasizing underlying fault lines. In a lot of couples I know who have gotten divorced, there were signs from the beginning that there was potential for the match to be problematic. But the actual reasons for divorce have been so varied as hard to categorize. I don't think I've ever been surprised by a divorce, though. Either I was close enough to one half of the couple to see the potential fault lines or I knew enough about life in general to know that there are often problems lurking behind the facade most people present to the world.

I'm mid--40s, married almost 16 years, and I'd describe my own marriage as complicated. I don't think we'll divorce. We're both a bit too stubborn for that. But likely depression or anxiety combined with likely ADHD make for challenging times.

46 and only two divorces out of about 25 couples we are close with. And sex is still regular and passionate, fwiw.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early-to-mid 40s is when the middle age rash of divorces begins in earnest. However, if you can make it into your early 60s still together, you are in a sweet spot.

Those almost twenty years between 41 and 59 are treacherous territory, particularly since the men still retain a bit of their youthful charm and good looks combined with the aphrodisiacs of money and power. Notably, many women at this age similarly possess the money and power, and still retain a bit of their youthful good looks. However, society has conditioned us to find the wrinkles, gray hairs, and less firm skin and body tone of women in their 40s and 50s somehow less 'charming' then that of men of similar age and aging appearance.

Forget about the wrinkles. Men in their 50s still want sex. Many women in their 50s don’t. There is your problem.

Many 50’s women still do. I do, but my DH is dying of cancer so no more for me. I can’t imagine dating again after living one person for 35 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no divorced friends. Honestly I don't.

That isn't something to be proud of.

It was a statement. Chill.

It was a statement. Chill.

It is something to be proud of. It means that she has mature friends who have the social skills to make a long term relationship work. That is something to celebrate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s here and this makes sense. We are coming out of the baby years when it was all hands on deck and when there was no sex in the regular sense

Now there is lingering resentment from my wife about all the things I did wrong, we haven't rekindled the romantic side and frankly we are spiralling away from each other. And yes, as a successful man, it is easy to see alternatives out there and the potential of never having an intimate life again is stifling.

There is no excuse ever to have an affair. Get a divorce, give her the house, a good settlement and child support/alimony and move on.

Most nonsense post ever bordering on extortion. So to get this straight, a woman can refuse to have sex which is the glue to a marriage and a man's only option is to leave his house to his wife and give up his assets and lose full time access to his kids? Why isn't the equitable solution for the cut off spouse to seek it elsewhere and the withholding spouse can leave or step up if they don't like the situation?

Go take a shower, Hon. Wash off your dirt.
Yes - you should divorce, leaving your wife with adequate resources without being mean and cruel and move on. I would never date a man who was cruel to his ex wife.

Anonymous wrote:There are three major bumps:
1. Mid to late-20s. These were the people who married at age 22-24 to high school or college sweethearts, figured out it wasn't working or they wanted different things, and parted ways with no kids. Most happily remarried.
2. When kids hit 5-6 (roughly) and are out of the daycare years. This is happening a lot among my friends. I am 36.
3. When kids hit college and are out of the house.

I posted this without reading the rest of the thread and someone posted the same thing upthread! Well, glad to know my friends' experiences aren't unique!

There are three major bumps:
1. Mid to late-20s. These were the people who married at age 22-24 to high school or college sweethearts, figured out it wasn't working or they wanted different things, and parted ways with no kids. Most happily remarried.
2. When kids hit 5-6 (roughly) and are out of the daycare years. This is happening a lot among my friends. I am 36.
3. When kids hit college and are out of the house.

Our group all early 40's to upper 40's are still married. I know One DW really dislikes her DH and if she can find someone she will leave or cheat.
My spouse and I certainly go through rocky patches from time to time. I honestly don't know what our future will bring

It's either 2-3 years after getting married or 15 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are three primary bail out points:

1. After a year or two for those starter marriages where high school/college sweethearts get married solely because they happened to be dating each other when they reached graduation.

2. After the kids get to elementary school - as one of the PPs mentioned, it's all hands on deck during those baby/toddler years, and then some couples look up and realize how broken their marriage has become.

3. After the kids get to college - with the kids raised and gone, some couple see no remaining reason to be together.

Agree. We are hitting the second wave. And it's the couples you would NOT suspect at all.

Mid-40s second wave couple here, the type you wouldn't suspect and not sure if we will or won't divorce but we aren't happy. She is resentful of certain ways I co-parented during early childhood years, I am resentful over the complete lack of an intimate life. I wish we would have aired these earlier and made us more of a focus and my advice to young couples is to do that. It's a lot harder to rekindle than you think both from the standpoint of putting aside past hurts but even finding the energy to want to. It seems much easier to just start over with someone new, but of course we both know that's not what's best for the kids or that it's not unbelievably complicated to divorce.

This is all so true. We are approaching No. 3, and I don’t know what our future holds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early-to-mid 40s is when the middle age rash of divorces begins in earnest. However, if you can make it into your early 60s still together, you are in a sweet spot.

Those almost twenty years between 41 and 59 are treacherous territory, particularly since the men still retain a bit of their youthful charm and good looks combined with the aphrodisiacs of money and power. Notably, many women at this age similarly possess the money and power, and still retain a bit of their youthful good looks. However, society has conditioned us to find the wrinkles, gray hairs, and less firm skin and body tone of women in their 40s and 50s somehow less 'charming' then that of men of similar age and aging appearance.

Forget about the wrinkles. Men in their 50s still want sex. Many women in their 50s don’t. There is your problem.

No. That is your problem... enjoy the baby at 55 stage, it's fun.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no divorced friends. Honestly I don't.

That isn't something to be proud of.

It was a statement. Chill.

It was a statement. Chill.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early-to-mid 40s is when the middle age rash of divorces begins in earnest. However, if you can make it into your early 60s still together, you are in a sweet spot.

Those almost twenty years between 41 and 59 are treacherous territory, particularly since the men still retain a bit of their youthful charm and good looks combined with the aphrodisiacs of money and power. Notably, many women at this age similarly possess the money and power, and still retain a bit of their youthful good looks. However, society has conditioned us to find the wrinkles, gray hairs, and less firm skin and body tone of women in their 40s and 50s somehow less 'charming' then that of men of similar age and aging appearance.

Forget about the wrinkles. Men in their 50s still want sex. Many women in their 50s don’t. There is your problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are three primary bail out points:

1. After a year or two for those starter marriages where high school/college sweethearts get married solely because they happened to be dating each other when they reached graduation.

2. After the kids get to elementary school - as one of the PPs mentioned, it's all hands on deck during those baby/toddler years, and then some couples look up and realize how broken their marriage has become.

3. After the kids get to college - with the kids raised and gone, some couple see no remaining reason to be together.

Agree. We are hitting the second wave. And it's the couples you would NOT suspect at all.

Mid-40s second wave couple here, the type you wouldn't suspect and not sure if we will or won't divorce but we aren't happy. She is resentful of certain ways I co-parented during early childhood years, I am resentful over the complete lack of an intimate life. I wish we would have aired these earlier and made us more of a focus and my advice to young couples is to do that. It's a lot harder to rekindle than you think both from the standpoint of putting aside past hurts but even finding the energy to want to. It seems much easier to just start over with someone new, but of course we both know that's not what's best for the kids or that it's not unbelievably complicated to divorce.