Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, what a privileged position it would be to be able to do that. But I have managed to co-exist as a career woman and a mother, and both career and offspring are doing fine.

You have never been in a situation where you needed to so you can call it a privilege. I had no choice. I had a SN child and a relative I had to be a full time caregiver to and the cost of paying two people to do that (plus all the therapies for both of them) would be unaffordable. Then, we had some other major issues for several years. There was no way I could work and do it all. For me, working was a privilege. I hope you never have the things we have/had where it is a necessity. Its easy to be a mother when your kids can go to regular day care or get a nanny and its no issue. Its a different story when your child has 1-2 therapies a day that are up to 40 minutes each way plus a specialize preschool 35 minutes away. Not to mention the senior care (tried an adult day care and that didn't work as it was terrible).

I was in the same situation but as a single parent and the sole source of health insurance, I had to keep working. Thankfully my neighbor took care of my DD and I traded childcare for cleaning her house, pet sitting and house sitting.

No neighbor would ever have taken care of my severely autistic DS. In fact even family wouldn’t babysit him until he was 11 years old.
It was a very intense, sleepless 11 years. And then after much work he started to calm some .

DP: so what would you have done if you were a single parent? I get what you're saying, but not everyone does have the choice to stop working. They just don't.

Well, either my son would have suffered greatly as I overly medicated him and sent him to a public school, or we would have lived in poverty in some tiny apartment somewhere with him on Medicaid.
I probably would have picked option 2. His life is 1000 times better because I spent so much time raising him (with help from DH of course). My son is severe so it was either nonstop behavior mods and social skills training or a future life in an institution. Or meds - but often those don’t last forever and antipsychotics can have horrible side effects and you end up with an angry adult with few social skills and little to do on a huge cocktail of mind numbing drugs.

Your child doesn’t sound that severe. Mine was. I have advanced degrees in science and engineering and gave up a great and interesting job . No regrets, though honestly I thought that he would improve faster than he did and I could go back to work but that didn’t work out. Not at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did and I don't regret it. Nothing that I got from my job except money mattered. Once I realized that climbing corporate ladder led to nowhere, it was easy for me to step back and focus on my family.

There are several jobs that "matter." I advocate on behalf of cancer patients to ensure they and their families receive the care they need. I am also a pretty good mom. I'm not climbing a corporate ladder, but I'm paid well enough and want to make the world a better place while I raise children who also contribute to society.

In PP's defense, she said nothing SHE got from HER job mattered. No one is saying no jobs matter.

Anonymous wrote:Reducing your schedule for less pay is not giving up your career. You still have a career. Very different than what many of us end up doing.

Ok bitter PP, we hear you. Do you want a cookie for giving up your career? OP's post asked a broader question. I hope you find some happiness in your choice some day. We all get that you aren't privileged, etc.

I did. I was an architect, it’s a job that pays relatively poorly and requires crazy hours, so it’s not compatible with family in terms of either being around for your kids or even paying enough to have a nanny. I found a fed job with incredible flexibility and comparable pay, but in a mostly unrelated field. I work from home and can work part time. I worked in my original field for 10 years though, so I got a lot out of it. And my degree definitely helped me get the fed job.

It was an agonizing decision bc I fought hard to get there, but I am so very happy. I miss it much less than I thought. My mom friends in my old field really struggle, many have left if they can, even some dads (often gay dads) have left for either more lucrative jobs or more family time. It’s a sad loss for the profession, in my opinion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, what a privileged position it would be to be able to do that. But I have managed to co-exist as a career woman and a mother, and both career and offspring are doing fine.

You have never been in a situation where you needed to so you can call it a privilege. I had no choice. I had a SN child and a relative I had to be a full time caregiver to and the cost of paying two people to do that (plus all the therapies for both of them) would be unaffordable. Then, we had some other major issues for several years. There was no way I could work and do it all. For me, working was a privilege. I hope you never have the things we have/had where it is a necessity. Its easy to be a mother when your kids can go to regular day care or get a nanny and its no issue. Its a different story when your child has 1-2 therapies a day that are up to 40 minutes each way plus a specialize preschool 35 minutes away. Not to mention the senior care (tried an adult day care and that didn't work as it was terrible).

I was in the same situation but as a single parent and the sole source of health insurance, I had to keep working. Thankfully my neighbor took care of my DD and I traded childcare for cleaning her house, pet sitting and house sitting.

No neighbor would ever have taken care of my severely autistic DS. In fact even family wouldn’t babysit him until he was 11 years old.
It was a very intense, sleepless 11 years. And then after much work he started to calm some .

DP: so what would you have done if you were a single parent? I get what you're saying, but not everyone does have the choice to stop working. They just don't.

Taking less money for less hours is not giving up your career. That is making career choices. If they were a single parent, parent probably would have to go on welfare/benefits. That's great you have a neighbor to babysit. We didn't have that option. I couldn't afford to pay for care for a SN child and senior on my salary and one person couldn't do it all. It was a nightmare you've never experienced.

1. I'm not the PP you think I am. Welfare and benefits? Do you know what pittance that is?
2. How do you know what I've experienced? I'm really sorry it was such a nightmare for you, but that doesn't give you license to judge people you know nothing about.

+1, I had the same reaction when I read their post.

Anonymous wrote:Reducing your schedule for less pay is not giving up your career. You still have a career. Very different than what many of us end up doing.

OP's post leaves room for a variety of responses around career change decisions and the impacts.

Anonymous wrote:I did and I don't regret it. Nothing that I got from my job except money mattered. Once I realized that climbing corporate ladder led to nowhere, it was easy for me to step back and focus on my family.

There are several jobs that "matter." I advocate on behalf of cancer patients to ensure they and their families receive the care they need. I am also a pretty good mom. I'm not climbing a corporate ladder, but I'm paid well enough and want to make the world a better place while I raise children who also contribute to society.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, what a privileged position it would be to be able to do that. But I have managed to co-exist as a career woman and a mother, and both career and offspring are doing fine.

You have never been in a situation where you needed to so you can call it a privilege. I had no choice. I had a SN child and a relative I had to be a full time caregiver to and the cost of paying two people to do that (plus all the therapies for both of them) would be unaffordable. Then, we had some other major issues for several years. There was no way I could work and do it all. For me, working was a privilege. I hope you never have the things we have/had where it is a necessity. Its easy to be a mother when your kids can go to regular day care or get a nanny and its no issue. Its a different story when your child has 1-2 therapies a day that are up to 40 minutes each way plus a specialize preschool 35 minutes away. Not to mention the senior care (tried an adult day care and that didn't work as it was terrible).

I was in the same situation but as a single parent and the sole source of health insurance, I had to keep working. Thankfully my neighbor took care of my DD and I traded childcare for cleaning her house, pet sitting and house sitting.

No neighbor would ever have taken care of my severely autistic DS. In fact even family wouldn’t babysit him until he was 11 years old.
It was a very intense, sleepless 11 years. And then after much work he started to calm some .

DP: so what would you have done if you were a single parent? I get what you're saying, but not everyone does have the choice to stop working. They just don't.

Taking less money for less hours is not giving up your career. That is making career choices. If they were a single parent, parent probably would have to go on welfare/benefits. That's great you have a neighbor to babysit. We didn't have that option. I couldn't afford to pay for care for a SN child and senior on my salary and one person couldn't do it all. It was a nightmare you've never experienced.

1. I'm not the PP you think I am. Welfare and benefits? Do you know what pittance that is?
2. How do you know what I've experienced? I'm really sorry it was such a nightmare for you, but that doesn't give you license to judge people you know nothing about.

Reducing your schedule for less pay is not giving up your career. You still have a career. Very different than what many of us end up doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, what a privileged position it would be to be able to do that. But I have managed to co-exist as a career woman and a mother, and both career and offspring are doing fine.

You have never been in a situation where you needed to so you can call it a privilege. I had no choice. I had a SN child and a relative I had to be a full time caregiver to and the cost of paying two people to do that (plus all the therapies for both of them) would be unaffordable. Then, we had some other major issues for several years. There was no way I could work and do it all. For me, working was a privilege. I hope you never have the things we have/had where it is a necessity. Its easy to be a mother when your kids can go to regular day care or get a nanny and its no issue. Its a different story when your child has 1-2 therapies a day that are up to 40 minutes each way plus a specialize preschool 35 minutes away. Not to mention the senior care (tried an adult day care and that didn't work as it was terrible).

I was in the same situation but as a single parent and the sole source of health insurance, I had to keep working. Thankfully my neighbor took care of my DD and I traded childcare for cleaning her house, pet sitting and house sitting.

No neighbor would ever have taken care of my severely autistic DS. In fact even family wouldn’t babysit him until he was 11 years old.
It was a very intense, sleepless 11 years. And then after much work he started to calm some .

DP: so what would you have done if you were a single parent? I get what you're saying, but not everyone does have the choice to stop working. They just don't.

Taking less money for less hours is not giving up your career. That is making career choices. If they were a single parent, parent probably would have to go on welfare/benefits. That's great you have a neighbor to babysit. We didn't have that option. I couldn't afford to pay for care for a SN child and senior on my salary and one person couldn't do it all. It was a nightmare you've never experienced.

I gave up my job to be a sahm. Our son needed me, as daycare couldn’t care for a child with his needs. He’s fine now and I work a small handful of hours per week from home, but I don’t see myself going back into the tech world...money was amazing but the culture sucked. My home, clothing, etc. aren’t what they once were now that we are basically a single income family but I wouldn’t change a thing at this point. Except maybe my shoes...I miss my fancy, overpriced shoes

Anonymous wrote:Did you give up or majorly adjust your career for family reasons? What helped you to come to terms with your decision?

I adjusted my expectations and my schedule but neither was a big deal for me and it works great for my family.

Before having my child I was thinking about trying to work my way into a management position and volunteered to help with proposals and the like. Since having my son I have decided that I don't need the additional hours or stress of a management type of position. This allows me to work a regular 40 hour work week and not bring much from work home. My job also requires that I be available to brief at 8 AM every day. I used to make it in at 7:30 and figure out if I need to brief or not. It was never a problem, if it was something that was that quick the briefing was more "We see that this issue is developing and we will have something more detailed tomorrow." Now I make it into work at 6:30 so I can give a bit more detailed briefing, but really not that much more detailed, so I can be home when my son gets out of school.

I fully understand that I am blessed. I have a good paying job, as does my husband, and we can afford to choose to not be worried about job changes that would earn some extra money. Yes, it means that we have a bit less in savings and retirement, but we don't think that amount is substantial enough to give up extra time with our child. And we would lose some of that extra money to pay for after care. And honestly, this fits me perfectly. I am not a massively driven person so fighting my way up the corporate ladder did not suit my personality.

I did. Too much stress in our lives. Both DH and I were unhappy and fighting a lot. I was probably unhappier than DH. Our marriage (and sex life) has never been better after 15 years of marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, what a privileged position it would be to be able to do that. But I have managed to co-exist as a career woman and a mother, and both career and offspring are doing fine.

You have never been in a situation where you needed to so you can call it a privilege. I had no choice. I had a SN child and a relative I had to be a full time caregiver to and the cost of paying two people to do that (plus all the therapies for both of them) would be unaffordable. Then, we had some other major issues for several years. There was no way I could work and do it all. For me, working was a privilege. I hope you never have the things we have/had where it is a necessity. Its easy to be a mother when your kids can go to regular day care or get a nanny and its no issue. Its a different story when your child has 1-2 therapies a day that are up to 40 minutes each way plus a specialize preschool 35 minutes away. Not to mention the senior care (tried an adult day care and that didn't work as it was terrible).

I was in the same situation but as a single parent and the sole source of health insurance, I had to keep working. Thankfully my neighbor took care of my DD and I traded childcare for cleaning her house, pet sitting and house sitting.

No neighbor would ever have taken care of my severely autistic DS. In fact even family wouldn’t babysit him until he was 11 years old.
It was a very intense, sleepless 11 years. And then after much work he started to calm some .

DP: so what would you have done if you were a single parent? I get what you're saying, but not everyone does have the choice to stop working. They just don't.

Dh did. When DS was a year old we moved back to the U.S. After living abroad for a year so dh could establish an office for his company. He was home at 5 every day and it wasn't particularly stressful. His job before we left was stressful with long hours. Moving back to the US,dh was offered a job with a 7 figure salary but it would be very stressful, long hours, and a good amount of travel. It wasn't worth it to DH. It also wasn't worth it to go back to his old job because he didn't want to sacrifice family time.

He has a great job now which he's been at for 5 years. Salary took a hit but well worth it. He's home by 530-6. He can work from home when DS has a 2 hour delay, is sick, or doesn't have school. He is able to attend ds' activities. I know some of our friends thought he was nuts, but it's worked out great.