Anonymous wrote:One of my good friends is married to what I consider to be a super upstanding, quality man. I want someone like that. He has values. He values his marriage, his wife, his family. He's generous. He's kind. He's thoughtful. I'm crushing on how "solid" he is, it's embarrassing. Most men I meet lack this set of values. They're more obsessed with the looks of a woman, bangability, money, career etc. This guy genuinely values authenticity, decency, he cares for his family, he cares for hers. It's not an act. How do I go about finding a good quality man, short of living through each one and seeing their character unfold? I'm assuming if I write "looking for a decent human" on my online profile, it won't cut it.

*I know he's not perfect, but these are the things I want in a partner. How do I go about finding them? And I asked her, and she said she got lucky. I also don't want to be weird or give her any reason to not trust me with him. So I cannot really keep asking her questions.

Conservative think tank.

World Bank (except at the very top)

I'm your guy, OP.

There’s no formula, but embodying the traits you’re looking for in a spouse is what you do have control over. Water finds its own level.

OP here. Thanks for all the input and advice.

Yes, I know divorced men as a category are not bad. I just also know that I don't want to invest in someone I met online if I don't know who they are as a person first. My ex presented as a solid man, with a value set, family, etc. Turns out all was a lie. He's easily bored. He needed the world to worship him. Every act I committed was a sin against him. My hair wasn't shiny today? I insulted him. I didn't sweep before he came home? I'm a bad wife. What I now realize is that there was quite a bit of mental abuse in his background. His whole family lives a lie, not uncommon for people like them without saying more. But, he presents so well. No one would know.

I understand the value of working on myself, I've never stopped.

As for my friend, she's a great person. I'm glad she's happy. I don't think it's a facade. I think for those posters trying to compare us, or telling me to be like her, or the one who told me her husband is my "sole" mate, I don't think like you do. I have no desire to steal someone else's husband, even if he was my soul-mate. I have no desire to compete with people like my friend or be more like someone else. There's always room for improvement, I'm a good person. I volunteer, I donate my time and money, I'm kind, I'm a good friend, I'm intelligent, I could have a better career, be richer, etc. But so can anyone. I was a good wife. I was available to him emotionally, physically and sexually. But none of it mattered when the next shiny thing came along.

I get many men aren't like that, but I also have friends, and know many men are. Anyway, I think I got what I could from this. Thanks for all the input.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if you share the values you're looking for in your next partner. If not, work on yourself. That said, there are lots of great men out there. But a lot of women don't see past $$$ to consider pursuing a guy who is a social worker and not a super high earner

And not wanting a divorced guy as a divorced woman is pretty absurd.

I do share those values, it's why I want them in a partner. And I'm aware that's possibly hypocritical, and I'm not against divorced guy purely because they're divorced, I'm just not interested in figuring out the truth behind the divorce. I'm not looking into getting involved with a guy who'll tell me his wife was awful, or they "just grew apart," then find out he cheated, hit her, and he doesn't pay child support to care for his kids. I've already been screwed over once, I don't want to go through it again.

You do know that there are plenty of decent divorced men that never abused their exes, right? Some of us just woke up one day and realized we were in a stale, passionless, sexless, business-like relationship with the mother of our kids and still had another 40 years to live. There was no hate. There was just sad boredom.

Church, military bases, etc.

My husband is like this. We met in college. He was an altar boy (but isn’t religious anymore) and an eagle scout. He voted for Obama the first time but Mitt Romney the next time (I was kind of horrified...). Anyway, maybe kind of conservative, religious, and young is the way to go haha. If your friend’s husband is in law enforcement, I’m guessing he’s also on the conservative side?

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all. For those PPs who asked, they met during work, he is in law enforcement. She is pretty but not gorgeous. Average looks wise. Very kind person. We have the same intellectual curiosities and mindset. I think the thing that is most special about her is how serene she is.

So, is she pretty or is she average?

I would rule out divorced guys. They can learn a lot from the process. I’m dating a divorced guy now who spent a solid year working on himself with therapy and reading. It’s almosy like I’m getting the upgraded version. If you are going to date a divorced guy just make sure to look at how their relationship with their ex is.

FWIW, I was married to what looked like one of those awesome guys. What no one saw was the constant behind closed doors verbal abuse that I endured. Kids not behaving tonight? I’m a bad mom. Dinner not hot enough? I am not putting his needs first. I don’t get out the door fast enough/do the laundry the way he wants? I’m a bad person. So, be careful. Sometimes it’s a shiny veneer.

My husband is like this. He is quiet, even-tempered. When he was younger, he was shy too. Close to his family, and solid and steady. We married in our mid twenties. Mostly, I think I got lucky too. There was some intuition there that told me he’s trustworthy. I felt comfortable with him, always, and with his family mostly too. Of note, he was never a great student and when we got together didn’t have a great job or anything, but he works hard and takes his responsibilities toward our family seriously and has a solid career now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you describe your ex as abusive, read the book Why’ve does He Do That: Inside The Minds of Abusive and Angry Men by Lundy Bancroft.

I read this book and it taught me what to look for as signs of abusive behavior. It took years, but I’m now in a relationship with the kind of man you describe. He’s thoughtful, generous, kind, loving, and he loves my son and there are zero signs of abuse.

Also, I bet I could spot your ex’s abuse a mile away after what I went through. If you read the book above you’ll see it too, and you’ll know how to avoid it in the future - by taking things slow and watching carefully for red flags. They exist, you just have to be willing to act when you see them.

I agree with this. I married an abusive man the first time around. After we split up I went to lots of therapy and did lots of reading. I didn't deserve the emotional and physical abuse but I was a doormat and should not have accepted his treatment of me.

Now I am married to a guy like you describe. He was married previously though. Don't rule them out! I love him so much and he just turned to me last night and said he was so excited that it is our 15th Valentine's Day together- a little sweet fact that I hadn't even thought about.

And honestly it just takes time to really figure out who people are b/c so many people put on facades. But doing some work on yourself and reading about how jerks like your ex think is really helpful. I still use this way of assessing people at work!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? I feel like there are a lot of men like this out there. However, most are probably married if you are above the age of first marriage. If so, I'd look for widowers. Divorced guys often have a lot of baggage.

I'm in my early thirties. Divorced, and agree that divorced guys have baggage. Besides, due to my own divorce, I'd never be able to fully trust a divorced guy. My ex was abusive and awful and still is but would come across as an angel. Ruined my ability to trust in my own judgement.

+1

+1. Guy. Reframe the issue. Someone who has been divorced might be able to be more realistic about being a good partner.

I am a divorced guy and learned so much from the end of my marriage and a way better partner / person now. There are any number of reasons people get divorced just like there are any number of reasons people have benver been married. Seems making seeeping generalizations that eliminate entire categories of people is shortsighted but to each their own.

If you are divorced, you are being hypocritical. Maybe the guy’s wife cheated on him.

Anonymous wrote:maybe your friends husband is your sole mate. You've already found the ideal guy just close the deal.

What—?!?!?!

My husband is a truly good man. Met online.