Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason you can't go alone?

Op here. Yes there are reasons why I can’t go alone. But I’m not sure I get it-if I’ve got childcare arranged and it’s at most 36 hours we’d be away, why wouldn’t DH come with me?

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason you can't go alone?

DP. Everyone is different. I would have been very sad and hurt to have attended my grandparent's funerals alone.

Is there a reason you can't go alone?

Anonymous wrote:A. Of course. I don't think anyone saying B has actually read your full post.

I've read every post. I think they are both perfectly valid choices.

OP I would choose B. I have brought young children to three of my grandparents funerals. They have brought happiness to other family members and they serve as rare opportunities for large group family gatherings which are culturally very important in my family. It is also the beginning of a lifelong lesson to my kids that family shows up for funerals and weddings. We always pack up when people need us. Once I was the family people packed up to come and help.

I was going to say A until I saw your update that the estrangement is the choice of your mom and step parent. If you had chosen estrangement to ensure there was no relationship between your mom and children then I think putting you in a situation where there was an ensured interaction would be stressful and detract from the event, but it sounds like the issue is theirs not yours. So I think you should go and let your kids have this bonding experience with your family. Don't let them dictate how you can experience your family. Especially if you want them to have relationships with this side of the family long term. Yes of course the kids won't remember this one event, but if you are the kind of person that shows up to family events, you become the kind of person that has robust relationships with their family. I like to think of this kind of thing as a cumulative memory. They won't remember this funeral at 20, but they will remember it next year when you're at something else with Uncle Max and Aunt Abby and so they'll be warmer and have a better visit. And that will result in a relationship when they are young that will translate into a relationship when they are older.

I really think there is nothing wrong with A though in these circumstances, and I am the person that ALWAYS goes to the funeral and for family ALWAYS brings the kids.

Option C, DH stays home with kids.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I would go by myself and leave kids with DH.
Then you can play it by ear and decide how long you stay.
Who knows, if it goes well with your family, you may want to stay to catch up.
If it's a disaster, then pay your respects for a couple hours and go right back home.

You go by yourself and leave your kids at home with your DH. This is how I attended both my grandparents funerals.

B. But I am Irish. Funerals are family events— just as important as weddings.

I would go alone because I wouldn’t let my parents ever lay eyes on my children. But I would brag about them and show off their pictures liberally to everyone else! Stick it to your parents at every turn how wonderful your life is.

You should do whatever would bring you the most comfort and ease.

For me that would be A. I'd reconnect w/ the people I want to see, make plans to get our families together in the future, be glad to only have to worry about myself in navigating the challenging family dynamics, and feel perfectly comfortable that my kids would have no real awareness of what's going on (beyond perhaps being unsettled by my stress and emotions.)

Do what's right and easiest for you OP.

I'm sorry for your loss.

A. You can make plans with other family members you get along with to reconnect later. It will be easier to avoid your parents by yourself.

Anonymous wrote:A. Of course. I don't think anyone saying B has actually read your full post.

This. I wouldn't take the kids who are so young into such an uncertain/ volatile family situation. I go for a shorter trip and leave kids behind. I wouldn't even make my husband go with me.

A. Of course. I don't think anyone saying B has actually read your full post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B

You can reconnect with family and introduce your children to those who haven't met them yet. It is no surprise that your sibs are hard to pin down to specifics since probably everyone is scrambling to make arrangements. You'll have time to make some specific plans when you get there. Don't take the kids to the funeral but do take them to other events. Your family will be happy to see them / meet them.

You can't control your mother and step-father or what they do so don't even try … this also means that you shouldn't let them control what you do. When you keep your family away then you cede all of your power to them. Why would you do that? Go with your head held high, mourn your grandmother and reconnect with everyone else.

+1 we took our young kids to my DH’s grandmother’s funeral and it was fine. They don’t really know what’s going on at that age and some of your other relatives will probably appreciate meeting them.

I can understand wanting to go solo. However, I have taken my young kids to 3 family funerals. Having them there was a nice distraction for me and several relatives. My kids were too young to know what was going on, but people loved seeing them. It sounds selfish, but I felt so much better with my kids there. I only had to deal with a 2.5 hour drive though. Sorry for your loss.

Go SOLO.