OP-Don't beat yourself up about this. There is an excellent chance your marriage is awful, and has been for years, because your husband is an ass. I have a very dear friend in a very similar situation. I hate it for her because she's beautiful, accomplished, and fun, and her husband is awful and doesn't appreciate her at all. They have young children and she'd be way worse off if they divorced because he'd be a nightmare to co-parent with and that would be awful for her kids. You needed a break from reality and you got it with the AP. It's totally normal to miss the "what if" more than the actual person. Give yourself a break and if needed find another AP to fill in the loneliness until you can get out of your marriage one day. Good luck OP!

Cogiteur wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a married woman in my mid 30s and had an 8 week affair that I ended a year ago today. I ended it because I felt guilty about what I was doing to my husband, my kids and my responsibilities and basically recognized I couldn’t keep up the double life. We only saw each other five times during that period as we live in different places.

When is it normal to be past this? I am not past it. I think of him every day, multiple times a day. So many things make me think of him. I replay everything in my head, I wonder what he’s doing, and waste a lot of energy feeling relatively despondent about it all. It was the happiest I have been in years and years and now it’s all gone and I’m never going to get it back. Sometimes that just feels too heavy to handle. I wish i never knew what it felt like.

I’m not sure that I actually miss him, more that I miss the excitement and the connection with someone. It’s definitely much more about the emotional than the physical. My marriage sucks, counseling hasn’t worked, and it’s been in a bad place for a very, very long time. I don’t feel that I can leave because of the negative impact it would have to my small children.

I didn’t mean to use this to vent. Really I just want to know when I will forget this ever happened and move on with my life. It’s torture.

It does get easier, OP, but it's been five years for me, and I still think about her every day. It's like mourning, really, but you never quite fully come to terms with the loss, because that person is still out there, somewhere. The hardest thing was finding what's missing in my life, feeling it so intensely, and then having it suddenly be gone. I wish I had advice for you, but really all you can do is ride out the pain. It will fade. But the memory won't.

I agree with 12:34 - you'll find very little sympathy here, and Reddit is a better bet. Not having anyone to talk to about it (other than someone who charges $225/hr) makes it all the more difficult to move on. Good luck.

+1 it can be a painful thing to admit.

If anything I now have more comoasssion for my DH’s imperfections. I wouldn’t be so fast to rip his head off if he admitted to me that he loved or cared for someone else.

Op - I’m sorry there is so much anger on this site. Obviously you stopped the affair because you knew it was wrong so it sucks that you are getting attacked here.

My situation was mostly emotional and lasted around 2 years. I ended it because it was wrong, but also the relationship had played itself out and nothing was changing.

Sadly it’s been almost 2 years and I still think about him everyday. It’s absolutely gotten less intense, and I’m clear that he was not good for my emotional well-being...but

Maybe she just likes new dick?

Several people here have suggested OP got into this emotional mess because she was trying to escape her life, is bogged down in the drudgery of being a parent, etc. But what if you were truly happy in your life prior to meeting someone you started an affair with? That was my situation. I was happy at home. No big complaints about my marriage. I went back to work full time when the kids started school and bam! Met him. Both of us married. He is 10 years older and married 20 years. It too a few months to finally admit our feelings. We stopped getting physical early on. It would just get uglier and more painful. We agree we would have married if we had met years ago. We soon became close friends. We have seen the best and worst of each other. This is just the way it has to be. We can make very strong connections with people. It happens. And it can be wonderful yet painful. We are human. But if you are happily married with kids you have to come to terms with the fact that you owe your family more than you owe this other person.

Anonymous wrote:Boohoo! You deserve every ounce of your self-inflicted misery. You are destined for a lifetime of unfulfilling relationships because you have zero perspective and self-control. All relationships lose that new factor.

It amazes me these people that are mourning someone that knowingly cheated with a married person. They are deluding themselves into thinking they lost something wonderful, lol. I only feel sorry for the wronged spouse because he will be stuck for years in a phony marriage. Especially when he could be with a better quality person.

Anonymous wrote:I am a married woman in my mid 30s and had an 8 week affair that I ended a year ago today. I ended it because I felt guilty about what I was doing to my husband, my kids and my responsibilities and basically recognized I couldn’t keep up the double life. We only saw each other five times during that period as we live in different places.

When is it normal to be past this? I am not past it. I think of him every day, multiple times a day. So many things make me think of him. I replay everything in my head, I wonder what he’s doing, and waste a lot of energy feeling relatively despondent about it all. It was the happiest I have been in years and years and now it’s all gone and I’m never going to get it back. Sometimes that just feels too heavy to handle. I wish i never knew what it felt like.

I’m not sure that I actually miss him, more that I miss the excitement and the connection with someone. It’s definitely much more about the emotional than the physical. My marriage sucks, counseling hasn’t worked, and it’s been in a bad place for a very, very long time. I don’t feel that I can leave because of the negative impact it would have to my small children.

I didn’t mean to use this to vent. Really I just want to know when I will forget this ever happened and move on with my life. It’s torture.

It does get easier, OP, but it's been five years for me, and I still think about her every day. It's like mourning, really, but you never quite fully come to terms with the loss, because that person is still out there, somewhere. The hardest thing was finding what's missing in my life, feeling it so intensely, and then having it suddenly be gone. I wish I had advice for you, but really all you can do is ride out the pain. It will fade. But the memory won't.

I agree with 12:34 - you'll find very little sympathy here, and Reddit is a better bet. Not having anyone to talk to about it (other than someone who charges $225/hr) makes it all the more difficult to move on. Good luck.

OP, I suggest you post this question on reddit/adultery forum. You will find much more sympathetic ears than this place.

I was in a brief "affair" (quotes because it was in setting of an experiment with open marriage which failed miserably) -- as in one month -- that ended a couple months ago and I am in the same boat. The guy I had the affair with, though amazing in bed, is an absolute scumbag. Like the worst of the worst and would make an awful partner and treated me like shit. It doesn't matter. I am pining for him as if I were a school girl longing for her first love. The thing is before this I WAS happily married. That's the irony. My husband and I had and continue to have good sex. But it's not the same because it isn't new! The reasons for the experimentation are too long to get into here but weren't thoughtfully considered. Some impulsive actions led to this awful awful foray and I deeply regret it.

As others have said, these feelings have pretty much NOTHING to do with our AP's and everything to do with ones feeling about oneself and one's life circumstances. Your AP is your fantasy projected onto him. I too am bored with the rut of child-rearing and nothing compares to the dopamine rush that comes with new relationship energy. It must be similar to coming off cocaine. It truly hurts me to my core.

So for you, I would recommend individual therapy. Raising children together is SO hard and not romantic or exciting. Work with a therapist to fix you and your outlook.
You married your husband for a reason -- try to revisit what drew you to him in the first place.

Good luck. I hope for both of us we can find peace!

Op, I commend you for breaking it up and trying to find joy in your DH and family. I think give yourself a project that makes you feel fulfilled. How about konmaring your house, car or office?

Boohoo! You deserve every ounce of your self-inflicted misery. You are destined for a lifetime of unfulfilling relationships because you have zero perspective and self-control. All relationships lose that new factor.

DCUM isn’t a great place to ask this question, as it’s full of bitter, cheated-upon people.

OP, I ended an emotional affair in August and I’m still not over it. I think about him every day and it takes all of my self-control not to reach out to him again. But then I start playing it forward in my head. I know that I would temporarily enjoy the high again and the escape from the boredom and minutiae of my life. However, I know myself and I know that the guilt would eat me alive. I would end it again and be right back where I am or in a worse place. Or somehow my spouse would find out and it would ruin my life. And I know in my heart that I’ve elevated my AP into someone he could never be in reality. He represents everything I want and need, but it’s not realistic that he actually has all of these qualities that I seek. I’m trying to find some more joy and fulfillment in my daily life and get the therapy I need to fix whatever is broken inside of me. Best of luck. I know this sucks. Hoping it will pass for both of us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a really crappy person for cheating.

I can't figure this out. Are there a lot of scumbags on this forum or DC area in general? I don't see this amount of cheaters and liars on other forums. Puzzled me from day one.

1) I think that this area is especially prone to infidelity, particularly affairs that start at work, because of the working culture of the city.
2) You are also reading a thread that is specifically from a woman who had an affair asking for advice from other people who have had affairs. People tend to respond to threads that deal with subject matter that they have direct experience with, one way or another. So there's some selection bias there. You could just as easily surmise from this forum that more people have children in DC than other areas, given how many people talk about their children on the parenting forum.

Anonymous wrote:You are a really crappy person for cheating.

I can't figure this out. Are there a lot of scumbags on this forum or DC area in general? I don't see this amount of cheaters and liars on other forums. Puzzled me from day one.

As others have pointed out, it has nothing to do with the AP. You're trying to escape from your real life. AP is irrelevant.

All I can say is working full-time and raising small kids is HARD. In my experience and from talking to other women, it is the darkest time in any marriage. During this time, if you allow yourself outlets that have the potential to permanently mess up your life and your children's life, it's just weak-willed. Look, who doesn't want that rush of a first date or new sex with someone who isn't the guy we wake up to every morning and argue with about who is emptying the dishwasher or look at across the room with two diaper-wearing totally dependent humans standing between us. You're not special or unique. But reality check -- you acted on these feelings and put your whole family and life at jeopardy. Bad move. Now you feel even worse than when you started. And the reality is, life as a divorced mom will suck even worse than your current setup. And probably for longer.

Buckle down. Let time pass. Be kind to each other in these years so you don't do permanent damage. Plan date nights. Try to get away for a night or two with your DH without kids if you can. Remind yourself why you chose your DH. Go to therapy.

Good luck.