Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. I am going to insist on a sitter and schedule a weekend away.

Wait. You are in an abusive relationship. This is way worse than you initially made it seem. You need a professional therapist to help you get out.

My husband used to say this. I used to tell him janitors, teachers, restaurant servers and other people that work Lowe paying jobs work hard as well and they might deserve a BMW or weekend travel (or whatever it was that he wanted at the time) but didn’t get to have it. Lots of people work hard and we all deserve a place to live and food on the table. That usually shut him up. He doesn’t say that anymore.

My DH was similar when our only child was younger. He would go off to play golf or whatever for a full day, but if I went to run some errand by myself he’d be constantly calling me asking when I would be home. I think it was due to two reasons: 1. He’d rather be relaxing or doing whatever he wanted to do rather than dealing with an infant, toddler or preschooler. 2. Insecurity and not thinking he could handle things on his own.

He would try to pin me down to a time when I’d return and would get annoyed when I wouldn’t tell him an exact time or didn’t arrive home by that exact time. I finally told him I wouldn’t give him a time just to appease him and he could deal. He also would call my parents and ask them to watch DS if I had plans so that I didn’t get time away and he didn’t. He got plenty of time off—he just would think if I was “off” then he should be off too.

It has gotten better as DS has gotten older and much more independent. DH is still very tit for tat and counts beans. If I have a girls night then he’s on the phone that evening planning his next outing. We have a group of friends and trade off guys trips and girls trips with a few couples trips as well. I’m more of a homebody so as long as I get to do what I want to do when it’s important to me then I don’t really care what DH does.

It is a bad dynamic and you can’t let him take advantage of you because he will. He’s probably overwhelmed and would prefer to not deal with it so he just expects you to deal with it. It’s a big part of the reason we didn’t have another kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time he goes away, hire a sitter and if he doesn't like it, too bad.

What will he do if you go away and don't come back, really? What do you honestly think he would do?

Blow up my phone...with texts, calls, use find my friends..take DCs to where I am...throw a fit and leave them. Or, call his parents or mine to tell them I have been gone for hours and doesn’t know when I am coming home.

OP if this were to happen, this should be a red flag for your parents that there's something wrong with your DH (not you).

Thanks for the feedback. I am going to insist on a sitter and schedule a weekend away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a man baby who doesn't actually care about treating you equally or being an adequate parent. That said, he may leave you if you push it too hard.

I would suggest you short-circuit this whole thing by hiring a Saturday morning babysitter. And stop coming back to rescue him.

As the kids are older I am more comfortable with not coming back. He won’t agree to a sitter....thinks a parent should be with the kids.

What exactly do you think he will do if you don't come back?

Has he always been an asshole or is this a new development?

Honestly, it manifested itself after #2 was born.

It sounds like he's just not up for the hassle of two little kids. Because let's be real, it's a lot. I'd like more personal time too. He's allowing himself to treat you unfairly because he's having a hard time coping with his responsibilities.

The next time he goes away, hire a sitter and if he doesn't like it, too bad.

What will he do if you go away and don't come back, really? What do you honestly think he would do?

Blow up my phone...with texts, calls, use find my friends..take DCs to where I am...throw a fit and leave them. Or, call his parents or mine to tell them I have been gone for hours and doesn’t know when I am coming home.

Ok honey, you are in an abusive relationship and he is controlling you. You need a therapist of your own to help you safely get a divorce. That's super duper f*cked up behavior.

+1

Does he have kids from his previous marriage?

Anonymous wrote:You married a man child. Sorry. Hard to tell sometimes ahead of time.

+1

You both need therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you his second wife?

Yes

Snerk.

Yep. He's married to someone else, or having an affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a man baby who doesn't actually care about treating you equally or being an adequate parent. That said, he may leave you if you push it too hard.

I would suggest you short-circuit this whole thing by hiring a Saturday morning babysitter. And stop coming back to rescue him.

As the kids are older I am more comfortable with not coming back. He won’t agree to a sitter....thinks a parent should be with the kids.

WOWWWWW you are a doormat. Grow a spine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you his second wife?

Yes

Snerk.

Either he has depression and it's manifesting as avoidance and anger (common in men) or he's an abuser and you'll have to get a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is he ok with picking up the slack while you have an equal amount of fun time?

In theory yes. In reality, he doesn’t last one hour with the DCs without needing me to come home or makes some excuse why he can’t be home.

You love being a doormat/martyr who needs to be "needed," don't you? Wow.

I'm headed to Florida at the end of the month with my college girlfriends. If the phone rang on the way to the airport because DH "needed" me, I'd laugh gleefully, hang up, and proceed with my plans.

Don't want to be treated like a doormat? Don't lie down and allow yourself to be walked all over.

Don't ask, tell. TELL him you booked a spa weekend the second week of February. Give him a rough overview of anything big happening that weekend (dance class at 10:30 on Saturday, dance bag is at the top of DD1's closet; Jason's birthday party is at 11 on Sunday morning at Rollie Pollies; don't forget that Caleb has to wear socks in order to play, wrapped gift is on the top shelf of my closet), then GO.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a man baby who doesn't actually care about treating you equally or being an adequate parent. That said, he may leave you if you push it too hard.

I would suggest you short-circuit this whole thing by hiring a Saturday morning babysitter. And stop coming back to rescue him.

As the kids are older I am more comfortable with not coming back. He won’t agree to a sitter....thinks a parent should be with the kids.

What exactly do you think he will do if you don't come back?

Has he always been an asshole or is this a new development?

Honestly, it manifested itself after #2 was born.

It sounds like he's just not up for the hassle of two little kids. Because let's be real, it's a lot. I'd like more personal time too. He's allowing himself to treat you unfairly because he's having a hard time coping with his responsibilities.

The next time he goes away, hire a sitter and if he doesn't like it, too bad.

What will he do if you go away and don't come back, really? What do you honestly think he would do?

Blow up my phone...with texts, calls, use find my friends..take DCs to where I am...throw a fit and leave them. Or, call his parents or mine to tell them I have been gone for hours and doesn’t know when I am coming home.

Agree. That is abuse and super unhealthy. It's not okay for him to have a fit over something normal like being on his own with the kids for a few hours straight. A healthy functioning parent is able to handle that. Start documenting his behavior and saving money. His controlling behavior is a much bigger deal than him taking time off. You're missing the point by focusing on his time off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a man baby who doesn't actually care about treating you equally or being an adequate parent. That said, he may leave you if you push it too hard.

I would suggest you short-circuit this whole thing by hiring a Saturday morning babysitter. And stop coming back to rescue him.

As the kids are older I am more comfortable with not coming back. He won’t agree to a sitter....thinks a parent should be with the kids.

What exactly do you think he will do if you don't come back?

Has he always been an asshole or is this a new development?

Honestly, it manifested itself after #2 was born.

It sounds like he's just not up for the hassle of two little kids. Because let's be real, it's a lot. I'd like more personal time too. He's allowing himself to treat you unfairly because he's having a hard time coping with his responsibilities.

The next time he goes away, hire a sitter and if he doesn't like it, too bad.

What will he do if you go away and don't come back, really? What do you honestly think he would do?

Blow up my phone...with texts, calls, use find my friends..take DCs to where I am...throw a fit and leave them. Or, call his parents or mine to tell them I have been gone for hours and doesn’t know when I am coming home.

Ok honey, you are in an abusive relationship and he is controlling you. You need a therapist of your own to help you safely get a divorce. That's super duper f*cked up behavior.